Friday, April 10, 2009

Hold onto your hats kids...we're going for a ride.

I am so amazed by the journeys life takes one on. I look at my friends and am riddled with jealousy! I know I shouldn't be, they couldn't be where they are now if they hadn't started in a similar place as me. Like Krista Dornier. She has a beautiful little girl, a loving husband, a beautiful house. She loves the Lord and you can tell in every conversation with her that her desire is for the Lord. Kris Delk, she is living my dream. Homeschooling her wonderful children, has a loving husband and a heart that is so so for the Lord it makes me want to cry. And she has a beautiful house and farm. Jessie Blanchette, she has two beautiful girls that are just the most darling things ever. They are growing up to love Jesus and it is amazing to watch, they are taking so much after their sweet little mother! 

I look at these women (and others) and realize how much I want what they have! I want that family, those kids, that love, a house, freedom to be the woman that I have dreamed of being. Right now I am staring down the prospect of leaving my security, my family, my friends. Going somewhere I don't know anything about. Its scary. I'm scared. I am also sad...I have come to love and cherish so many people here and I don't know how I am going to get through my first years of marriage with Michael being completely preoccupied with school without them here (or rather...there...since I will be there not here...its late give me a break ok)! 

I pray that the Lord would give me a heart that is content and prepared for His best for me and not my best for me. And still I feel like weeping...maybe its because its almost 3 in the morning. I just so long for things that I see as being so distant. My desire for a degree is dwindling as my desire for a family grows. My desire to be the best nurse is not as dire as my desire to be the best wife. 

I want to be content where I am, looking forward to what the Lord has for me yes, but content. Here, now. Not waiting for my life to start when I get what I feel is sufficient. The Lord is SUFFICIENT! He is so much more so! 

Oh Lord, ahhh. (that was a sigh in case you were wondering) I just feel as though I am teetering on the edge. I praise You because You are wonderful and caring and in the light of eternity I realize this is so trivial! Yet You care! You are willing to comfort me if only I come to You! I do come to You now, because You first loved me Lord I can come to You and love You. I pray that You would help build in me a spirit of contentment. That You would impress on me the importance of the journey to contentment, the journey to the different stages in life. 
I love You Lord and know You are faithful and so willing to show Yourself stong on behalf of those whose hearts are perfect towards you. Help my heart to be perfect towards You! 
Goodnight Lord, I really need to go to sleep. Please help anyone who could be reading this prayer to pray the same along with me. To see the importance of contentment where they are and not where they think they should be!
Love You!

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