Saturday, March 29, 2008

De Jure Amour

Yes, true love. After reading over my last post I felt compelled to end on a note that gives glory to my true lover for what I do have. I suppose some circles of christianity would take offense to calling the Lord a lover, but is that not what He is? Is He not one who lavishes and woos? One who has been preparing a place for His pride for thousands of years? I have never known a man capable of preparing any place for more than a year. More than a month! Yet my Love has been preparing our place for thousands of years.

This love is only a recent development, mind you. 

I have always been embarrassed by love. As you can read below, the perception of myself does not leave room that anyone could truly love me for me. They must be tainted in some way. I know myself to well to be able to say that anyone could love the real me. 

And so whenever someone has professed this romantic feeling, (and alas, more than one has and I have not believed any of them) I shy away. How could someone love this face? With the body? Have they seen my stomach? And hips? And how my hair is always a shoddy mess? Have they seen how I am? Sure I can play music, make art and do many mundane tasks that people mistake for talent, yet in my character in my physique they surely must be missing something.


It was brought to me after wednesdays sermon that my Love loves me. Not just
He has seen every disgusting thought, every wrinkle, fat, messy, stupid and cretinous thing I have done and yet He chooses me, and He loves me. He takes me in His arms and says that I am pure. Pure! Do you understand that? He has seen everything...everything! There is so much bad there! My thoughts if laid out for the world to see would be the death of me the shame would be so great and yet He has seen them and says 'I don't care, I love you and you are pure'.

Oh thank you Jesus for shedding your blood for me that I could be pure for my Love!
I see now that I needn't be embarrassed when I go to Him. Because He has seen my bulging little stomach, my love handles, my messy hair, my horrid makeup, and He doesn't care. He looks at me and still loves ME!

How? I don't know, but because of this simple thing I know that I truly serve a Great God!

I know that a man would need to be blind to see past myself and love me the way that God does. And so maybe I will never marry. Maybe. God knows. He knows if He will share this Love with an earthly man for me. 

No matter. I still want to be beautiful, but my Love will love me even if I never am.

The Incredulous Truth

My personal quandaries are many, do not trouble yourself to take them on. Yet, I believe no one reads these flummeries of a disquieted mind. And so I am free to speak at liberty without regard to offense and without feeling as if I have given away too much.
Now we come to the pinnacle of the human plight, or rather, my plight. You see, I had this startling realization today that I am not at all who I am perceived to be. How can I know how others perceive me? Oh, it is only something acquired through observation. Through reaction. Newton first discovered it in 1687, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. However, I daresay that even this brilliant man did not realize the social ramifications of his discovery.

You see, either the world is tainted by association or extremely dishonest. I would grant them either, as both or not loftily attained.

For instance: I am not trying to be vain or self deprecating when I say this, but my family and friends tell me I am beautiful. Yet the world, does not. So whom am I to believe? The majority of civilization or those who are as I said tainted by association? Same with body type. My family and friends say that I am fine, and yet the world and images of 'perfection' drive me towards a goal I know is unattainable in my God given form. I will never be a waif (nor do I desire to be), I will never be a super-model (thankfully so). Yet, I would like to think that I am beautiful because I am and not just because those who know me think so.

For instance (although I have particularly and uncommonly beautiful friends...)there are some whom I think are beautiful, not necessarily because they stop traffic but because I think they are beautiful. Similar to how they probably view me. When I take a step back and piece together their frame, it is not what I see when I originally assess them. Why? I do have friends, such as Rebekah, who are beautiful no matter whose eyes they shine in. Is it to much to want to be beautiful to everyone?

I have learned that men and women alike are intimidated by me. I simply do not understand why. I cannot escape it! I am I that menacing? What is it about my person that does carry on so? At bible college I learned from one brave male friend that many of the guys avoided speaking with me or even eye contact because they were afraid of me. How is that so? My friends at home have told me the same.

I just wish that I could be beautiful in form and person. I sincerely wish it. To be of a demeanor the is innocent and inviting, to be of a form that is both striking and beguiling. Not that I want to be a woman who is seductive, I don't think I could ever pull that off. I have never tried, and I thank the Lord that I would fail miserably. He has protected me there.

But to see a man who is worth stopping stopped in their tracks by my face. Oh that day would feel so wonderful. I don't know what is the insatiable notion that I have of this beauty, but I want it. I hate waking up feeling as if I am that woman, and than noticing by the cruelty of the mirror that I am not.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


Is awesome.
Why do I trouble when my Lord has given me salvation? He has given me grace, He has given me love. I clothes on my back, a roof over my head, food in my kitchen. My blessings are so abundant, so amazingly abundant. I have people who love me, whom I love in turn. I am overwhelmed when I look at my blessings. And it is all from Him.
This is what He gave me last night, as I was going to sleep. It is not amazing, nothing ground breaking to you maybe...but to me it was as a wind whispering to my soul to let go...and let God be God and in the stillness, He showed me some of His goodness:

Even in these times, when I feel I cannot see;
You take me by the hand, You lead and comfort me.
Jesus I am but dust, yet teach me to be strong;
That with my every breath, I might honor You my whole life long.

Simple...childlike even.
Thanks you God for speaking in words I can understand!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The present stage of my life.

I have come to realise that life moves in stages, or perhaps in different acts as if it were a play and God the director. In this play, I am the central character, however the story doesn't revolve around me. This story is only a way of showing how amazing the director is. Each step I take on the stage, each word that comes delicately from my mouth is only because the director told me to go there, and to say that.  Each trip or slip of the tongue is only because I think (with no history to back me up) that at times my improvisation would improve the script. Alas (and thank God!) it never does improve, only hinder.

The present act I am in is a hard one to get through, I wish it would close soon. It is titled 'Broken'.

In this act, there are many characters with whom I have an established relationship. Some are family, some are long time friends, some are new friends, some are supposed friends. Each of them somehow is a part of my life, helping to shape each day and form new ideas. Sometimes they give me laughs, but most recently, it has been more tears.

For some reason, this script is one I would rather leave on the shelf. It has to do with people dear to my heart being ripped away and turning their colors. Where we once matched and blended perfectly, we now clash as a painting done by a blind man. In this act, there are some of I have held dearer than all others who with a single phrase, break my heart.

In this act, I am ready to give up.

The audience is quickly losing enthusiasm, none wanting to wait and see if the shrinking character on stage will ever show merit again, show hope again. 

As the seats empty I look out into the dark auditorium that is my past and notice there are only a few left in the stands, only a few I can turn to, only a few who care to see the end. They cling to the hope that the ending will be a happy one, and even if it is not they are there for the show.

I look at the characters on stage with me; they are the present. I don't know what they will do, but this act has been wholly unexpected. 

I have actually never felt so betrayed and...broken. Just plain broken.

I look at the director, He holds the future. He nods at me and smiles, His way of saying get up and continue. I look down at the black floorboards of the stage, as tears stream down my face I remember that every act has an end, and that the play I am in is not a tragedy. No matter what happens in the story, in the end I will be in Paradise, Utopia. 

I don't know how this act will end, but I hope it is over soon. I was in my car crying today and as I was, I started to think: through this pain, can I praise God?
So I started to sing instead. It sounded awful, my voice wavered from the crying and screeched off key but I sang louder. I know the man in the van next to me thought I was crazy but still I sang.
It was not a single song, but here is what it was:

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see.

When I have been there for ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the Sun,

I will have no less days to sing of Your praise,

Then when I first begun.

I will praise God whom all blessing flow, 

Praise Him all you creatures here below,

Praise Him above ye heavenly host,

Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost.

And be thou my vision O Lord of my life

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine

Oh what a foretaste of glory divine

Heir of salvation purchase of God

Born of His spirit, washed in his blood

This is my story this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

This is my story this is my song,

Praising my savior all the day long.

Lord! This is my story, oh that I would praise You all the day long.

How I really feel about Calvinism...

It sucks.
1. I do not believe in Total Depravity in which a person does not have the ability to reach out to God. Total Depravity teaches that man is dead in his sins just like a person who is a tomb; they are dead and can do nothing. Therefore a person who is dead in their sins cannot choose God because they do not have the ability. That is incorrect, the Bible continually speaks of people reaching out to God in which they have not been "regenerated by the Holy Spirit" and there are plenty of Scriptures that indicate that man was "unwilling to receive the message of the Lord." 

2. I do not believe in Unconditional Election to where God has only given the ability for "some" to be saved and the rest were called to eternal damnation. The Bible teaches clearly that God loves the whole world and gave His Son that "whosoever believes" will have eternal life. 

3. I do not believe in Limited Atonement to where Christ Jesus only died for some, that being those whom God determined on His own will to be saved before they were even born. The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is for all mankind, Jesus shed blood is for all who will reach out to receive the gift of eternal life. 

4. I do not believe in Irresistible Grace where those who hold to this doctrine believe those whom God has chosen to be saved before the foundation of the world would receive the message of Christ Jesus based upon the will of God, not their own. Those whom God has called will not turn away from God calling them is the view of Irresistible Grace, but the Bible teaches that there are those with whom God has been made known and "they were unwilling" to receive the truth. God did not create robots in this world in which we are puppets, God has given us all a will of our own to either receive Him or to reject Him. 

5. The doctrine of the Perseverance of the Saints is a Biblical doctrine in which those who are truly born again and receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, they are saved not based upon their works or efforts, but based upon the promise of God keeping them safely in His care.

If any of you need scripture to back all of this up, I can get it for you. Its super easy to find, just open any where and start reading without the mindset that Calvinism is right and it will be obvious.

First look at John 3:16 'For God so loved the WORLD that He gave His one and only Son that WHOEVER (not just the 'elect') believes in Him would not perish but have eternal life'
Then...2 Peter 3:9 'God is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.'

I am trying to be optimistic about this, but right now its got me just wrapped up in knot that so many people are dividing the body of Christ by believing in this lie and calling it harmless. It brings about arrogance and a certain amount of care-freeness as we are responsible for nothing, no free will, drones just out to do everything that was predestined for us. God knows what we will do, but that doesn't mean that was His perfect plan.

Look at this: in Jeremiah 19:5, God said, "They have also built the high places of Baal, to burn their sons with fire for burnt offerings to Baal, which I did not command or speak, nor did it come into my mind," He made it plain that it was not His will they were doing, whether decretive or preceptive. In other words, it was not the mind (will) of God that they should do such a thing. Nevertheless, the Lord permitted His people to exercise their free wills and do those things clearly contrary to His counsel (will). Things such as this are within the "will of God" only in the sense that He permits them to happen.

I would love to see this go out of style but hey, it says in the word that in the last days lies will divide the body, and that false teachers with false doctrines will rise up. And check it out, the body seems to be welcoming them with open arms.

Pray for me, I don't want to become bitter. If you could hear my tone you would see that this is more grievous to me than anything else.
So yeah, thats 'How I really feel about Calvinism'.

The court room chapter 2

Well part of it anyways...I started chapter 2 but didn't get very far yet. Hopefully I will have time someday to be creative.

Chapter 2


Law: Mr. Mostly you say that you did not realize you would be condemned for not…how should be put it…upholding the standards of the Bible. Do you feel as though you are being condemned?


Mostly: Yes I do.


Law: Why is that?


Mostly: Because I tried to be a good person. I tried to do the right stuff and now I’m here and I don’t understand why there is all this confusion, I remember..


Law: Can you please tell the court for the record the story of your conversion to Christianity, with a slight background of what you were before?


Mostly: (Timidly at first) Well I was never really a bad guy. I tried a few of the scene things, but I didn’t really think it was fun. I had a better time just hanging out and watching movies and stuff. I mean, drugs are stupid and so is drinking its like a waste of time and money.

            I used to really like going to church on Saturday nights too. The church I went to had a coffee shop and it was open on Saturday’s and we would all go play like ping pong and hacky sack and stuff. It was a lot of fun, and its always better to be at a church instead of out like drinking or something.

            I even got to go on missions trips and stuff. I helped build houses, and did skits for the kids. It seemed like all the people in the church really liked me too. They were always asking me to pray for them and stuff. The only thing I can think of that I didn’t really do well was like worship and the actual teaching. I never really got into worship, I thought it was kind of boring, just like singing. It didn’t seem to have a point. And I always thought the teaching was so boring, I would like check the clock every like 30 seconds to see when we would finally be done. 

            Other than that I tried not to swear, I tried to have good thoughts, and I basically did well I think. Or at least I thought before I came here… (Grace cuts him off)


Law: Did you ever read the bible?


Mostly: Well not every day but like every once in awhile if things started to go down hill I would pick it up and read something. Usually I would turn to Proverbs and see all the things I should do or to the stories in the beginning of the bible cause they were really interesting.


Law: Why is it do you think that you found worship boring? And the teaching boring?


Mostly: What?


Law: Well there must be a reason. Do you really think that everyone would keep going to church if they found it as dull as you did?


Mr. Grace: Objection Your Honor this whole sequence is argumentative.


Pentateuch: Mr. Grace not everything pointed at the witness is argumentative. I am finding this information useful as I think the jury is as well, however Ms. Law please keep the personal remarks and observations to yourself.


Law: Yes Your Honor. Mr. Mostly what I am getting at is that there is an obvious lack of interest in anything actually encouraging a Christian lifestyle. I myself know plenty of people who hang out every week and don’t drink or sleep around. That basically sounds like you, church was a social function for you.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The court room.

The Court Room:

Setting: Court room, there are two defendants, Mr. Christian Mostly and Mr. Jacob (deceiver) Living, a prosecutor (Law), a defense attorney (Grace), a bailiff (Prophet), jury and the Judge.

In the opening scene everyone is in place except for the judge, who walks in first thing.


Bailiff: Will the court please rise, the Honorable Pentateuch presiding.-(wait until Judge Pentateuch is seated)

You may be seated.

[Everyone is seated and the Judge looks over at the prosecuting attorney]


Pentateuch: Will the prosecution please give an opening statement.


Law: Certainly You Honor. (Prosecutor walks out and faces the jury, very animated throughout the speech) Good day to all you the ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have been called here today to partake in the noble business of upholding justice. I am here today also to uphold justice, I am here to try to show you that the Law will not be bent, broken, or forgotten.  The defense will stand here in a few minutes and try to tell you that the defendant’s do not deserve just punishment. They will try to convince you that the law can be broken as it is able to be forgiven. They will try to escape the law that they love when it works for them, but when it condemns they hide; but I say no! (Pounds fist down on table when they say this)

(Points at defendant) These men are guilty! They have transgressed even the fine points of the law! They are murderers, liars, adulturers, thieves and so much more! They have no way to justify these actions and scant evidence to support them in their so called ‘innocence’.

I am asking you to try to uphold the law, and nothing more. You will presented with many facts, but you must see through stories and lies an find the truth. Thank you. (Law is seated)


Pentateuch: Will the defense please give their opening statement.


Grace: Thank you Your Honor. (scratches head and looks down for a second before beginning)  Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you, as Ms.Law stated already for partaking in the event of upholding the law. I would like to say first of all that everything stated Ms.Law’s opening was completely true. My clients are murderers, adulterers, liars, thieves, and so much more by our own admission. But I am here simply to show that there is a way that these can be expunged from their record through one thing, one simple act they committed years ago can void these treacherous, barbaric acts.

I ask you only to listen and deal accordingly. Thank you.


Pentateuch: Thank you. Would the prosecution please call their first witness?


Law: Thank you Your Honor. The prosecution calls Mr. Christian Mostly to the stand.


Bailiff: Mr. Mostly right this way (shows him how to get into the witnesses seat) thank you. Will you raise your right hand and put your left hand on the Bible please. Now repeat after me. (Defendant nods and repeats what he says) Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? (Nods again) Alright you may have a seat.

[Bailiff walks down to the side of the room, defendant sits rather nervously in the seat]


Law:  Mr. Mostly, are you aware of why you are in court today?


Christian: Yes ma’am. I am on trial for being a Christian.


Law: Is that how this was explained to you? Well that not quite it sir, would you like to guess again? (shakes head no). You are on trial because you are a murder, a liar, a thief; would you like me to continue? (shakes head no again and looks ashamedly down) Do you understand the consequences if you are charged with these accusations?  (Shakes head yes)

(Law takes a deep breath and walks back to her table and picks up a folder full of papers) I would like to admit to the court article A, a list of trespasses committed by the defendant and confessed on their own admissions.

Pentateuch: Please approach. (Judge reaches out for the paper and nods his head yeas while handing them back to Ms. Law.)


Law: Thank you Your Honor. (approaches witness stand) Mr. Mostly I hold in my hand some incriminating evidence against you. This is here in black and white stating all your sin. Is any of this true? (Flips open top page) You have quite a record here. Stealing, here it says you stole from your own mother?


Christian: I don’t recall…


Law: Are you saying these records are false? (Christian opens mouth to say something but is cut off) Let me rephrase. Mr. Mostly have you ever told a lie?


Christian: Well…Yes Ma’am I suppose I have.


Law: So by your own admission you are a…what do you call someone who lies?


Christian: A liar Ma’am.


Law: So you are a liar?


Christian: I suppose so Ma’am.


Law: You don’t know so?


Christian: Yes Ma’am I am a liar.


Law: So when you say you don’t recall having stolen from your own mother I should…believe you?


Grace: Objection Your Honor, argumentative.


Pentateuch: Sustained, Ms. Law what is your purpose in these questions?


Law: Your Honor I am simply trying to see if we can take what this man says in his own defense to be the truth. He has admitted he is a liar…


Pentateuch: The court now understands that the defendant is a liar; please move on.


Law: Thank you Your Honor. (Flips open papers again and pulls out one sheet) It says here that you  are a Christian. Is that true?


Christian: Yes Ma’am.


Law: And how did you become a Christian?


Christian: Well, I prayed for Jesus to forgive my sins and let me into heaven.


Law: Is that all? It doesn’t show any change in your records from the day you prayed, which I understand to be on the 7th of August, 2001 is that correct (nods) good. It shows no change in lifestyle…wait it looks like you stopped golfing on Sunday mornings for a few month after conversion. Other than that the evidence supporting your ‘claim’ of being a Christian is all on this sheet of paper. (waves paper in the air)

The rest of the paper in this folder is a list of transgressions. What do you have to say about that?


Christian: Well Ma’am when I became a Christian I stopped swearing all the time.


Law: Unless you were really angry correct?


Christian: Well Ma’am I’m not a saint.


Law: Obviously…


Grace: Objection Your Honor, the prosecutor is argumentative.


Pentateuch: Sustained.


Law: What do you have to say about your apparent lack of change after your ‘conversion’?


Christian: Well, I changed, I didn’t drink anymore, I didn’t smoke anymore.


Law: Do you think you are on trial for drinking and smoking? (Christian has a blank look) Mr. Mostly you are not on trial for drinking and smoking. That is not something we care about in the Law.

We would like to see the record of improvement in your moral behavior.


Christian: Moral behavior? Like was I nice?


Pentateuch: Mr. Mostly you are on trial with your soul in the balance. I would suggest you take this more seriously.


Law: Thank you Your Honor. Mr. Mostly how many murders did you commit after your ‘conversion’?


Christian: I never murdered anybody!


Law: (Walks to her table and picks up a bible) One more time for the record, you said you are a Christian, correct?


Christian: Yes…I…


Law: As a Christian do you believe that the words in this book are true?


Christian: Yes I do…but…


Law: Your Honor I would like it noted that the defendant recognizes this book as an authority.


Pentateuch: It is noted for the record.


Law: Thank you. It says in this book, in Matthew, that if you are angry with a person, you have already murdered them?


Christian: Come on, everyone get’s angry with people and they’re not here on trial for murder.


Law: Yes but not everyone claims to live by this book.


Christian: So I am guilty because I claim to live by that book? That’s not fair.


Law: Why should it be fair? You choose to become a Christian correct?


Christian: I didn’t realize that I would be condemned for it.


Law: You really don’t understand the purpose of the law do you? (Sighs deeply)


Mr. Grace: Your Honor I would like to ask for a brief recess if you will.


Pentateuch: That sounds like a good idea. Court will reconvene at 14 hundred hours (slams gavel) dismissed.