Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A silent night, hence, time for a blog.

I find myself to be an anomaly, a rarity among people. I'm not saying that in an arrogant way or anything just that I noticed I must be a rarity since I have a problem relating to others around me. Well, relating sufficiently.

I have found these few things to be the defining difference in my person:
-My love of music. It is not a like, a preference, a song stuck in your head and have to listen to it, or anything so shallow. It is a need, a true love. I feel the music. I close my eyes and feel the pounding of strings in a orchestra, the vibrations. I feel the drums and the guitars and I can't help but feel enveloped by the sounds. When a song is right and hitting the right chords and timing and it all goes together, nothing else in the world seems to matter to me. Who knows why? Yet when I explain that I need music, I get some strange looks.

-My love of literature. Even my husband makes fun of me (actually more than anyone else) for my love of literature. I tell him about books, he laughs and teases me. I just can't help it. I don't just love the stories and the knowledge that is contained within the pages of the book but I love the book itself. I love the bindings, the paper, the words. I don't know why! I must be strange. I like to know that when I read I am expanding my understand and redefining the contents of my mind, enriching. I long to have a literary friend who would read the same works I read and expand my horizons. Who I could go to tea with and discuss the depths of the classics and contemporary. I always thought I would marry a person like I described above. I have pictures (in my head) of us sitting to tea discussing these things in the room we made into a library to hold our large book collection, but I don't think Michael would go for that! Oh well, I will have to make my own library! (do not think I love him less for this, but I do desire a shared appreciation! I do think his misunderstanding of literature is similar to my misunderstanding of skiing and working on cars for fun)

-I love art. There is a painting in my Aunts house (whom I visit often) that sits right above her chair. Whenever we are in conversation I have but to look over her shoulder and see the painting, it is beautiful. It is reminiscent of Monet, very impressionist. Up close you see only splashes of color that are nonsensical yet standing back there is beauty composed and ordered. I love this painting. It is just so beautiful. Art and music are very linked in my mind, it is all beauty. I hear beauty, I see beauty. It is all made to capture a small portion of the loveliness that is Our Lord. I often tell Michael while we are hiking how amazingly clever the Lord is and how I think everything beautiful and good in the world is not something from man, but another aspect of the Lord expressed through man. Like a painting. A painting of mountains and trees, beautiful, yes. It is only a replica however of the beauty the Lord made. Every picture, every moment captures in a still frame is only a hint of the beauty the Lord has already created. That is why I love art. God is creative, He is the creator. He made me to be creative because it is a characteristic of Him. I create with what He has given me only because HE first created. Understand or am I being nonsensical?

-My need for adventure. I need an adventure of some sort! I have this feeling in me that I will never be satisfied. I feel as though my skin is holding my heart back from running to the corners of the world to fulfill the longing for meaning. I want to matter, to do something important. Beyond raising children, being a nurse, being a wife, musician, artist. I want to impact. Do something maybe a little dangerous, not to glamorous, not ordinary. I feel though as if I will never fulfill this longing, that I will be stuck in the cycle of laundry, cooking for my wonderful (yes, he is wonderful) husband, working 9-5 and hiking on the weekends. Its fun but...I want more. I want an experience worth writing about!

I digress. I am working myself up. I feel bound within my body and my current lifestyle. No adventures, just life as I know it. Hmm. What now?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Old Post.

I read this old post I made from last April and even I was inspired by it! So I hope it will reach to your heart as well.

Knowledge: Power over the mind

Oh my Lord, knowledge is to much for me!
At times I wish I could go back to the time when I did not know things. When I could simply believe that God was God because it was obvious. When I didn't know people were going to hell.
At this moment people are dying and going to spend an eternity in hell, the epitome of suffering and despair! This knowledge is to much and it overwhelms me! How can a feeble mind such as my own comprehend or even dwell on such a subject without succumbing to madness?
And then I remember, God desires all to know Him. He has made a way for all to come to Him, and these people believe that they are above that way. Oh Lord I would intercede and pray that you would soften their hearts! That they would be won over by your gentle wooing of the soul! That they could experience this wonderful fullness of Your love!

Oh my Lord, my Love. Thank you for giving me this salvation. Thank you that I can wake without dread, without terror. That as a drift to sleep I can hear you whispering Your love in my ear. That I can feel you all around showing me daily that you Love me and that You, the Awesome Creator of the universe desire me! How can this be!

Lord help me to truly desire you and seek after you even a fraction of the way that you seek after and desire me. Why you seek me, why you would desire this heart, I do not know nor pretend to be worthy of. Nonetheless, I am overcome by it.

Oh my Lord, my Love. I desire to please you! I desire to be in Your presence, Oh if You would continue to reveal yourself and Your loving nature to me new every morning! How can I despair when there is so much love? When I am loved in such a romance, such a wonderful romance as no novel can contain!

I thank You my Love that you promise me no more tears! That you have written in Your letter to me (and all the world) that there will be a day when we will be with you without the barrier of this flesh, when we will be with you forever without the thought of sin. I cannot comprehend what it will be like to not have to watch my back, to not have a need to distrust, to be wary. All I will do is love and be loved and sing praises to my Love who is most worthy!

At times I am jealous, wishing that I could have You to myself. And then I realize, you are the Climax, love can not get any greater than the love that you have, the love that you give. I know you can not love anyone more than you love me (nor can you love me more than you love every one) because your love cannot get any greater; it is already the greatest thing there is! You love every person with a love so perfect, so great that it cannot get any grander! Oh my Lord this is wonderful!

I thank You, my Lord and my Love for this romance!
And Lord, at the end of this letter, my mind is settled. I know that those who go to Hell have only chosen that way willingly. My only sadness is not that they are in suffering, but that they missed out on You and Your wonderful offer of romance.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Wow, where to begin?

Blogging has not been on the top of my list lately. I will give you the run down on current events and then I believe you will understand why this has been set aside!

So Michael and I bought a house. We closed on it on my birthday, July 8. Yep, I'm 22 now! But anyways, that seems like so long ago albeit only a month! Since the closing day we tore up floors, yards, trees, repainted, put in carpeting and hardwood floors, remodeled and overdid it for ourselves. I'm tired.

Plus, we got hitched. Last week, it was fun. More to come on that later. Right now I just need to get to the point.

First: I'm getting sick of dealing with some types of people. Second: I'm tired of this hectic lifestyle. Third: I miss Michael when I'm at work, I work evening, he works days. Lame.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009