Friday, December 18, 2009

Its been awhile.

So I decided it is time for another blog. I have been on a blogging sabbatical purposefully. Things in my head have been hard to sort out and so instead of bringing you all into my mess, I kept it in and let some things work through on their own. I have come to see that the world not only has no interest in hearing me spew my selfishness all over it, but that it doesn't help me work through anything to spew. It just makes more holes I have to go back and fill when I finally do work things out.

Basically, I am an emotional mess (and NO I'm not pregnant). I have just been feeling things a lot lately. I have looked around me and realized I am not so wise as I once thought I was. There are so many things I thought I knew that I now realize I was completely ignorant about. I went through some old ichat conversations last night (did you know ichat catalogues EVERY conversation?!) and I was talking about marriage with someone and I just laughed as I read about my ignorance. There I was saying what I thought about something and now I look back and think "Ha! If I knew then what I know now!" Well lets just say that my choice of words during that particular ichat session would have been different.

I am not saying anything bad about my husband mind you, and not saying I made a mistake either. I am just saying that I have had some doses of reality lately. Like the fact the I am no longer independent. I realized that when I wanted to cut and highlight my hair. Interesting story actually. I will tell.

So Michael's cousin is a wonderful hair cutter/stylist/highlighter putter inner or whatever you call it...and she agreed (because she rocks) to cut my hair for me. I so dreadfully wanted to cut it shorter, but then I remembered: Michael likes long hair. "Ugh" I thought. I just wanted to do something random and change things up a bit, put some highlights like in the "old days" of bible college and go for a different look. I felt drab and boring. Still, I just told her to trim the edges up a bit and went home without the drastic change I wanted. I cannot tell you what kind of reality check that was for me. Its like when I was little and I had to ask my dad permission to do everything, now I ask Michael and someday when I'm old and decrepit I will have to ask my kids for permission to do things!

I'm not saying I resent this having to ask but I was not expecting it. I don't know what I was expecting per say, but I think it was more of a parallel lifestyle. One in which I do what I want and Michael is still my love and we are married, he does what he wants and I am still his love and his wife. To put this in mathematical terms, I realized we have to live a linear life. Two variables that end up forming a straight line, not two separate lines that never intersect.

And so this has been an interesting reality check for me.

We drove by a boxing studio that opened in Hastings (a mere ten minute drive from our house!) and I was so excited! Michael squashed me by saying "I would never let you box" and I sat there fuming thinking "Well you won't let me box huh? OK then I won't let you ski. How about that? How about I don't allow you to do some things you want to do?!"

But then I realized how lame I was I never said those things out loud. Which is sometimes worse because things escalate in my head.

So where is the balance all you married people who are so much wiser than I? Can I yet be independent and still a good wife? Should I surrender my individuality to conform to what my husband prefers? Should he surrender his? Where is this boundary?

Advise me.

Now on to the next topic.

A. I miss my nose ring, Caleb is the one who made me take it out. I want it back. Michael doesn't like them either though. And I don't think work would appreciate it...
B. I miss being more of a hippy. The days where I used olive oil in my hair and didn't shower every day, had gauged ears and spent my days chilling in California with a bunch of bible college kids
C. I really want to go back to Israel.
D. I want more interestingness.
E. I want to be content.