Friday, December 18, 2009

Its been awhile.

So I decided it is time for another blog. I have been on a blogging sabbatical purposefully. Things in my head have been hard to sort out and so instead of bringing you all into my mess, I kept it in and let some things work through on their own. I have come to see that the world not only has no interest in hearing me spew my selfishness all over it, but that it doesn't help me work through anything to spew. It just makes more holes I have to go back and fill when I finally do work things out.

Basically, I am an emotional mess (and NO I'm not pregnant). I have just been feeling things a lot lately. I have looked around me and realized I am not so wise as I once thought I was. There are so many things I thought I knew that I now realize I was completely ignorant about. I went through some old ichat conversations last night (did you know ichat catalogues EVERY conversation?!) and I was talking about marriage with someone and I just laughed as I read about my ignorance. There I was saying what I thought about something and now I look back and think "Ha! If I knew then what I know now!" Well lets just say that my choice of words during that particular ichat session would have been different.

I am not saying anything bad about my husband mind you, and not saying I made a mistake either. I am just saying that I have had some doses of reality lately. Like the fact the I am no longer independent. I realized that when I wanted to cut and highlight my hair. Interesting story actually. I will tell.

So Michael's cousin is a wonderful hair cutter/stylist/highlighter putter inner or whatever you call it...and she agreed (because she rocks) to cut my hair for me. I so dreadfully wanted to cut it shorter, but then I remembered: Michael likes long hair. "Ugh" I thought. I just wanted to do something random and change things up a bit, put some highlights like in the "old days" of bible college and go for a different look. I felt drab and boring. Still, I just told her to trim the edges up a bit and went home without the drastic change I wanted. I cannot tell you what kind of reality check that was for me. Its like when I was little and I had to ask my dad permission to do everything, now I ask Michael and someday when I'm old and decrepit I will have to ask my kids for permission to do things!

I'm not saying I resent this having to ask but I was not expecting it. I don't know what I was expecting per say, but I think it was more of a parallel lifestyle. One in which I do what I want and Michael is still my love and we are married, he does what he wants and I am still his love and his wife. To put this in mathematical terms, I realized we have to live a linear life. Two variables that end up forming a straight line, not two separate lines that never intersect.

And so this has been an interesting reality check for me.

We drove by a boxing studio that opened in Hastings (a mere ten minute drive from our house!) and I was so excited! Michael squashed me by saying "I would never let you box" and I sat there fuming thinking "Well you won't let me box huh? OK then I won't let you ski. How about that? How about I don't allow you to do some things you want to do?!"

But then I realized how lame I was I never said those things out loud. Which is sometimes worse because things escalate in my head.

So where is the balance all you married people who are so much wiser than I? Can I yet be independent and still a good wife? Should I surrender my individuality to conform to what my husband prefers? Should he surrender his? Where is this boundary?

Advise me.

Now on to the next topic.

A. I miss my nose ring, Caleb is the one who made me take it out. I want it back. Michael doesn't like them either though. And I don't think work would appreciate it...
B. I miss being more of a hippy. The days where I used olive oil in my hair and didn't shower every day, had gauged ears and spent my days chilling in California with a bunch of bible college kids
C. I really want to go back to Israel.
D. I want more interestingness.
E. I want to be content.


Sue Flaska said...

Interesting post. I think a lot of people go through missing being able to do what you want when you want. I would say that is pretty normal. As far as my marriage, I don't think Dion has ever told me that I couldn't do something that I wanted to do. And if he tried to do that, and it was unrealistic, I am pretty sure I would dig my heels into the ground and forge forward. Dion also likes longer hair (must be a guy thing), but that doesn't stop me from making my own choices on what my hair will look like. Sometimes it's shorter than other times, but he doesn't love me because my hair is long. He loves me for who I am. Marriage is hard, and it's a full time job. Some days are easier than others, so goes life. And yes, you do have to be linear, but you must also not lose who you are as an individual. That can be devestating to a person, to lose themselves.

In no way do I have all the answers to marriage and life, I would never proclaim that, but we have been married for going on 12 years. There have been ups and downs, but I think we have taken from each situation and learned from it. That's all one can do. I know Dion would do anything for me, as I would him, and it has nothing to do with how long my hair is.

I will jump off of the soapbox now, and try not to break my leg.

Kristen said...

Soooo...wanna have coffee?

Kris said...

Hey, I like the new layout!

Uriel said...

Every choice is limiting.
I remember how much my dad seemed to chafe at being married and having kids, because he wanted to live the bohemian lifestyle, and instead he had to work a full time job and couldn't travel the world at his leisure or spend all his time at artsy bars and dives, and he had to wear a tie.

When I was little I really resented his resentment, now I understand and avoid it. Girls aren't the only ones who give up freedoms. I just remind myself that it's worth it and I'm here now, and remember how miserable my dad made himself and the rest of our family with his pining for days of yore. I figure if God set things up this way, there's got to be trade-offs. And Brandy's very understanding. She lets me go to coffeeshops or go camping with friends from time to time, but those understandings have deveoped over time.

Uriel said...

And glad you're blogging again!