Sunday, May 24, 2009

I don't feel too well.

I feel like curling up in a ball on the sofa in my old house (the farm) and watching my horses run around in the pasture. That will never happen again but thats where I want to be.

My house is so empty, today I tried to rearrange things to make it feel a little better. I brought out pretty much all of my stuff and put pictures up, lamps out, candles, made a makeshift coffee table with the leaf from my kitchen table, and overall tried to make it feel like a place I can live again. And Michael tried to help but his walking around and noting out loud that it was so empty and there was nothing there to work with really didn't make me feel much better. Duh, its empty. Thats what I'm trying to fix. To his credit he nervously did everything I asked him to do. I think he was waiting for an emotional explosion to happen but I just didn't want to feel anything. I think we said about 20 words in 2 hours. Poor guy.

I pulled out a lot of stuff from my bridal shower and tried to restock the kitchen again. I just want to feel like I will be able to stand living there for the next 37 days. It stinks that everything is so different. It'll be ok, eventually. Right now though I hug Mindi (the dog) every time I'm about to leave and we both (if dogs could cry that is) start crying. She sits there and is sad with me at least, I know she's sad. She misses my family already probably as much as I do. At least Daniel will be living with me when he is done helping the parents move to Canada. I will have to make him pancakes in the morning and we will listen to Petra just like the old days. Other than that it will just be me and Daniel instead of everyone. Oh will work out.

And my mom will be popping in intermittently too. She will be staying in St.Cloud mostly but she said she will be back and forth pretty much until the baby is born (my sister's baby) and then she will primarily be up there. Its good, my sister needs my mom more than I do right now. We both start crying (my sister and I) every time we think about the parents being gone. Especially my dad since he won't be back until the wedding. It was sad yesterday to watch him say goodbye, it broke my heart. He put his hand on my sister's pregnant belly and said to it "I'm sorry your Opa (thats what the grandkids will call him instead of Grandpa) can't be here when your born." And then he hugged my sister and cried for about a minute. It was rough. Then he hugged me and said "One thing never changes, your room is still a mess right now." and we both cried. Then he said "I love you little girl." Then he left.

Then my mom, sister, her husband Kevin, my brother Daniel, his girlfriend Brette, and me (alone, no Michael) sat in the living room and prayed for my dad. My brother started out praying but then he was crying to much. It was nice to see Brette (his girlfriend) put her hand on his back and just comfort him (she is the best comforter). And Beth had Kevin there to comfort her, and I didn't have Michael, he was at a graduation party. That was hard. I had to deal with it on my own. My mom gave me a hug, so that was good. I didn't feel quite so alone then, just mostly. When I said goodbye to all of them and they drove away I stood in the kitchen of the empty house with Mindi at my side just crying. I looked around and I felt as empty as all the rooms. Mindi is such a good dog, she just sat there. She would have hugged me if she could.

It will all get better soon. Its hard to think that God is with me still because I just feel so empty and alone.

But Blessed be the Name of the Lord. He gives and takes away, this I know. Still, I'm trying to say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If I were a secret agent...

Well the title may be deceiving. It should be "If I didn't watch TV..." but thats not as alluring. Basically today I realized that I would have almost no problems in career choice, satisfaction, body image, and more if I just didn't watch TV or movies. What is life without TV or movies you may ask? Well its a heck a lot of interesting thats what it is. Think of it, those movie perfect slim jim girls with perfect hair no tan lines, and ever perfect makeup don't walk around the streets of everyday "real-lifeville" they only live in moviesand inTV.

So today as I was laid up in bed for the better part of the day I watched online episodes of ER and realized wow...if I based my job off of this show I would be seriously dissapointed. First of all, our ER isn't like that. Second of all, there is no real hospital in the world with that many good looking 20 something doctors running around. And nurses? For real people. I love the nurses in our ER but seriously the nurses in the show are these sassy little things who look about 25 and like they probably wouldn't survive anything remotely academic. But besides that I enjoy it. I mean I love it when this guy comes in the door with right lower quadrant pain and the doctor says immediately "He has an appy! Get him to surgery!" wow. I wish I could meet the doctor with the prowess to diagnose a walking appendicitis with no blood work, no CT, no Xray, no UA, no stand up and do a little dance, no ANYTHING just walk in the door holding your side and "to the OR with you!"

Anyways. What I'm trying to say is I get this idea of real life from TV and movies that is so unrealistic. Like I expect things to be that way. They don't bring up how HIPPA complicates everything. They don't bring up rules about fraternization. They don't bring up the fact that not every patient who is "down" comes back when you shock them a couple times and that not every trauma is a drama (wasn't supposed to rhyme). It's just that I expect things that aren't possible now because I have been so tainted. Just because Abby Lockhart made it through medical school while working full time and overtime as an ER nurse doesn't mean I can do that too.

Then watching a show with my mom (by the way I never watch this much TV, I feel like a bum but this like a only when I am really sick thing, usually I don't watch ANY tv!!) called NCIS and there is an agent in that show who is just the coolest agent EVER to hit the earth. She is Ziva, an agent from Israel who speaks a bazillion languages and can kick anyone's butt. It makes me think...maybe I should give up this stupid medical stuff that is so stuffy and sterile and "wear gloves" and "don't reach into a sterile environment or you make me dirty..wahhhh" and go kick some butt. Thats what I should do, I could so do that! I could learn to do that flying jump kick thing and wield a gun as I'm falling while simultaneously throwing a knife at an attacker behind me. Yeah. And then after about 10 seconds of that stupidity I realize that no, real life isn't like that either. In real life people have limitations. People don't know the script. God writes the script and doesn't let us peek.

SO in the end I suppose that is what is so appealing about movies and TV shows. There is script. Its controlled. Its foreseeable and its reasonable. There isn't this indefinite something that comes after death. It can be whatever the writer wants it to be. People who have lived a life of sin die peacefully in movies when in real life if that person were dying they would probably be screaming for mercy. It seems attractive to us to have a script, to be able to know the ending and to know all the predictable moves but remember, dear reader, God is our director. And unfortunately we don't get stunt doubles. I do all my own stunts and sometimes...I get hurt. But hopefully my movie will end with the director saying "Cut! Well done. That was just what I wanted from you!"

That would be nice.

And it all hits home at once.

This week has not been easy, and keep in mind its only Tuesday.

First of all, I got sick on Saturday night. The big bang hit me Sunday and I was laid up in bed all day without relief from a horrible headache, throatache, body chills, fever, nausea, pretty much all the good stuff. I was hoping it would be over by the next morning but after a very restless night I awoke to only more pain (at 4 in the morning). I went to the express clinic in the afternoon where the only told me I don't have strep and thats its a virus I need to wait out. I am still in bed, still feeling pretty horrible, I have sores on my throat and can't breathe through my nose. Mazel tov.

Along with being sick I am dealing with the fact that my parents are leaving and that I will no longer have a "home" to bring friends to on the weekends, no place for bonfires or to eat pancakes with the family, no where to sit on the roof with my brother or to have family meeting in the living room. Its just sad. It hit me today. In between feeling like I was going to die I tried to help pack up stuff. My dad had me put books in boxes, movies, lamps, that kind of stuff. That was all fine but then my mom asked me to take down pictures from the walls. I walked around and took down pictures that haven't left our walls since we moved in here, things that made our house our house. It was...sad. I sat down on the couch and starting crying. My mom came in the room and gave me a hug and asked why I was crying and I sat there blubbering not making any sense but somehow managing out the words "its like taking away our house, I can stand movies and books but not pictures." She did the mom thing and just let me cry for a minute then told me it would be ok and that she didn't have time for a breakdown today. I laughed and said I would have one everyday for her.

Its just hard. I think back to a mistake at work or a fight with a friend. A paycheck I forgot to tithe on...its all been running through my head non stop these last few days. It stinks. Its like the world is coming to a my head...however that works.

And I don't deal with everything well. I'm too emotional for emotional stuff. And I'm sick so my brains not working to well. (Hey Beth is this what a pregnant brain feels like?) I know that the Lord is doing what is good and I am fully prepared to embrace that with joy. I do believe Romans 8:28, its just harder to live it than some people think.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


So today my mom and dad left for Canada. Not for good yet, they will be home Monday or Tuesday and then will be around until the 24th. After that its hasta la vista.

It was actually really sad, I think my dad realized as we were saying goodbye that its...goobye. Its not going to be the same anymore. This realization became acute to me as I went to church, the place I have always seen my dad (maybe even more than I saw him in our own house) for the last nine years. He wasn't there. Mom wasn't there. It stunk.

So now I am at home, my little brother is back from college so thats nice. Even though he plays loud music I prefer that to the lonely silence I will have around here tomorrow night. How disconcerting.

Basically, I know it will be hard to not see my parents. Especially my dad since he will only be back a couple of times a year (mom you know I love and will miss you a lot too) and, gotta tell you, I'm a daddy's girl. So today it just made me think (while my dad and I stood in the driveway crying) about all the great times we've had together.

Here are some things me and Dad have done together:
Went to Israel together (twice)
Have driven to chicago many times.
Made random inventions.
Sword fought in the front and back yards (moved to the back when the neighbors got weirded out)
Let me mascara his beard.
Taught me about nuclear chemistry.
Studied the word together for near hours. (how is it dad's just know the answers!?)
Made plenty of pancakes.
Hiked barn bluff the day after he lost his job, just the two of us, to watch the sun rise.
Ate at Larry's Broiler :)
Played golf.
Taught me (and probably gained gray hairs doing so) to drive both regular and stick shift.
Sat on the roof to watch thunder storms.
Sat on the silo to watch thunderstorms.
Got chastised about being on high areas watching thunderstorms.
Tried to train our little fat welsh pony together, and failed.
Taught me to shoot.
Taught me to change the oil in a car.
Let me "help" work on cars when I was little even though all I did was bang on random pieces with a wrench.
Jumped on the trampoline a lot!
Taught me how to paint, cut in on the ceiling, and how to properly hold a paintbrush.
"I sorry daddy!"
He can call me "little girl" all the time and sometimes it scares the life out of me and other times its the best name.
We have a "secret handshake" thats actually a mirror of one he has with his twin brother.

Wow this list is going to be too long if I keep going. Basically, I love you daddy :)

And momma, I love you too!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Thing that I like!

Well first of all, here is my new Kitchen Aid mixer in the kitchen where it belongs! It did just swimmingly for whipping up frosting for a cake to bring to work (pictured below). I had left over fondant from making my sister's cake and so I made this little Lemon Buttercream cake to take to work. Everyone loved it!

This is before I brushed all the powdered sugar off of it, it turned out quite cute for something I just whipped up in my free time before work.

These are some pictures that I think turned out absolutely gorgeous. My sister is a beautiful pregnant woman!

The colour turned out wonderful too.

I always tell that little girl to get out here because I want to meet her, so far she hasn't listened which is probably for the better! But its true, I want to meet her now!

And now...

I can post pictures of the cake because Beth saw it at the party :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cake decorating.

Today I spent the day *again* at Kris's house making the cake for my sisters baby shower! I wish I could post pictures of the cake itself but since I know my dear sister will read this, I can't. I want it to be a surprise :)

So you will get the general jist of it and have a couple of hints as to what the theme is and what it does look like, only you won't see the whole cake or the key components.

About 2 hours into our cooking day Kris got a call from the hospital asking her to work a 12 hour shift overnight tonight instead of a 12 hour tomorrow for the day. She said yes and after getting me squared away and showing her skills she went to bed and I finished the cake. After putting a three year old down for a nap, changing a VERY poopy diaper and holding a kid on my back in a baby carrier I felt a little like super woman. "I can do this!" I thought. And yes, apparently I could. Hey, maybe it was a one time God-gifted endurance but I was able to decorate probably the best cake I have made yet and to top it all off I was shaking and starting to get a migraine (which is getting worse as I type, so I'm going to make this short).

Hannah trying to find the right tip in the big black box of cake decorating stuff.

Me with a baby on my back working on the cake :)

The master at work.

Trying to teach me something about how to put fondant on a cake. I've done it before but I'm definitely not as good as she is.

Its called skill.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Favorite Quotes from the ER:

So today I realized: I should cronicle the quotes from the ER.
The nurses say some hilarious things. I shall give you some examples...

Patient (who happens to be a very frequent flyer, about once a week for the last 2 months): This pain is excruciating! I can't handle it!
Nurse: No, your excruciating, but we handle you, all the time.

Here's a good one that I actually saw happened in and was good.

Nurse: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your pain?
Patient: um..
Nurse: Ok say 1 is no pain and 10 is torture, like hacking at your leg with a dull blade.
Patient: Wow...well its not torture but...maybe...2.

Another good one that you may not get unless you understand what the ER is like:

Nurse: Who's your primary doctor?
Patient: This one.
Nurse: This one being...
Patient: The ER doctor.
Nurse: You can't have the ER doctor be your primary doctor.
Patient: But I see him for everything...

Here's another one, I will add more too when I hear them:

Patient:This pain is killing me, you have to do something!
Nurse: No, pain doesn't kill. You might pass out, but the pain won't be what kills you so quiet down.


Monday, May 4, 2009

So last night I went horseback riding again. It was very fun, there is nothing quite like relaxing to the rhythm of riding a horse.

Well Laura and I rode over to Kris's house leading another horse so that when we got there Kris could go riding with us. When we did get there my horse was being a butt and since Kris is pretty much the horse whisperer she took my horse (Ginger) and I took the big fat cow of a horse Shawnie. Shawnie has the worst trot EVER and is very bouncy. But big perk! I got to give Joshua a ride too!

He went with us grinning the whole way sitting in front of me in the saddle (it is a very large saddle). Halfway through the ride though, he fell asleep! It was so adorable. He was just completely out. He kept on sliding from side to side and I really didn't want to drop him so I figured out a way to wrap my arm around him so that I was holding his head from flopping while still securing his body (and leading the horse with the other hand, this is where the big fat cow part is kind of handy). I realized after a bit that it was a little like Lord of the Rings where (in the movie, I am enough of a nerd to know that this is not how it happened in the book) Arwen takes Frodo to Rivendell and he is in the saddle in front of her. I told Kris and Laura "I feel like Arwen holding Frodo! I have my own little hobbit!" They thought it was funny, but seriously, thats what it was like! I kept laughing to myself the whole way back and Joshua was just so cute sleeping there. Laura decided I look like an elf so I found a picture of me and a picture of Arwen. (this is the most elfy picture I could think of?)

Even if I don't look like an elf, I do look extremely pale.

Not that that makes it anymore Elvish, just an observation.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bridal shower :)

I got all of these from my bridal shower in Chicago with all my family! So amazing. I got a lot of other sweet stuff too, and it was so fun. I have never attended a bridal shower I have enjoyed until now. We played FUN games and the best part was just sitting around and talking. I love all those people :)

Big thanks to Beth, Holli, and Bryanna for doing all the work they did! I love you guys!

Worship is a lifestyle :)

So today I walked outside and it was gorgeous! And I though "Thank You Lord for making beauty, sun, green grass...You're awesome!!!"

I got in the car and was blessed with worship music (to which I sang loudly) for an hour on the way to my Grandma's house. I love driving in the car alone so I can sing praises to my King! And then when I arrived at Lake Barrington Shores where my Grandparents live I pulled over by the lake and read Psalm 100 and part of Psalm 119 and just praised the Lord!

Oh He is so awesome!

Friday, May 1, 2009


I am so thankful right now for the friends God has sent me recently.

It's easy to feel alone when embarking on a new path in life. Relationships change and I just can't go to people that I used to go to for everything because they just won't get it. The closer I get to being married the more complicated I see that it is! I have my sister and my mom, yes. They are blessings and I could not replace them ever. But I also wanted someone outside of my immediate family because really, I think everyone needs one of those people.

My family can attest to the fact the just a few short weeks ago, while in Florida, I was praying for the Lord to send me someone. Now only 4 weeks later I have Kris who I can go to for absolutely anything and we have talked about pretty much everything. Exactly the kind of friend I was praying for. I also have Laura (Kris's younger sister who is my age and is pretty amazing too) who I can call and be like "Yo! We need to go horse back riding!" And she would go.

And one of the things I love about it is its not fake. Its not me trying to impress them or them trying to impress me. Its not dressed up, floofed up with makeup, nice cutting edge style that makes me feel inferior and worldy, no. Its just people being themselves and trying to honor the Lord. I love it. I feel at ease.

Last night I was sitting in the kitchen at Kris' house and realizing that God had answered my prayer. How amazing is that?

So thanks guys, I needed you to come along :)