Sunday, May 24, 2009

I don't feel too well.

I feel like curling up in a ball on the sofa in my old house (the farm) and watching my horses run around in the pasture. That will never happen again but thats where I want to be.

My house is so empty, today I tried to rearrange things to make it feel a little better. I brought out pretty much all of my stuff and put pictures up, lamps out, candles, made a makeshift coffee table with the leaf from my kitchen table, and overall tried to make it feel like a place I can live again. And Michael tried to help but his walking around and noting out loud that it was so empty and there was nothing there to work with really didn't make me feel much better. Duh, its empty. Thats what I'm trying to fix. To his credit he nervously did everything I asked him to do. I think he was waiting for an emotional explosion to happen but I just didn't want to feel anything. I think we said about 20 words in 2 hours. Poor guy.

I pulled out a lot of stuff from my bridal shower and tried to restock the kitchen again. I just want to feel like I will be able to stand living there for the next 37 days. It stinks that everything is so different. It'll be ok, eventually. Right now though I hug Mindi (the dog) every time I'm about to leave and we both (if dogs could cry that is) start crying. She sits there and is sad with me at least, I know she's sad. She misses my family already probably as much as I do. At least Daniel will be living with me when he is done helping the parents move to Canada. I will have to make him pancakes in the morning and we will listen to Petra just like the old days. Other than that it will just be me and Daniel instead of everyone. Oh will work out.

And my mom will be popping in intermittently too. She will be staying in St.Cloud mostly but she said she will be back and forth pretty much until the baby is born (my sister's baby) and then she will primarily be up there. Its good, my sister needs my mom more than I do right now. We both start crying (my sister and I) every time we think about the parents being gone. Especially my dad since he won't be back until the wedding. It was sad yesterday to watch him say goodbye, it broke my heart. He put his hand on my sister's pregnant belly and said to it "I'm sorry your Opa (thats what the grandkids will call him instead of Grandpa) can't be here when your born." And then he hugged my sister and cried for about a minute. It was rough. Then he hugged me and said "One thing never changes, your room is still a mess right now." and we both cried. Then he said "I love you little girl." Then he left.

Then my mom, sister, her husband Kevin, my brother Daniel, his girlfriend Brette, and me (alone, no Michael) sat in the living room and prayed for my dad. My brother started out praying but then he was crying to much. It was nice to see Brette (his girlfriend) put her hand on his back and just comfort him (she is the best comforter). And Beth had Kevin there to comfort her, and I didn't have Michael, he was at a graduation party. That was hard. I had to deal with it on my own. My mom gave me a hug, so that was good. I didn't feel quite so alone then, just mostly. When I said goodbye to all of them and they drove away I stood in the kitchen of the empty house with Mindi at my side just crying. I looked around and I felt as empty as all the rooms. Mindi is such a good dog, she just sat there. She would have hugged me if she could.

It will all get better soon. Its hard to think that God is with me still because I just feel so empty and alone.

But Blessed be the Name of the Lord. He gives and takes away, this I know. Still, I'm trying to say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.


Uriel said...

You have a great family.

jhedeen said...

Yes, I practice saying that in hard times too. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." But you are all alive and can talk to each other, and your family is growing! You are going to have GREAT family reunions! Hang onto that. I really don't mean to be "singing songs to a heavy heart." Really.