Friday, December 18, 2009

Its been awhile.

So I decided it is time for another blog. I have been on a blogging sabbatical purposefully. Things in my head have been hard to sort out and so instead of bringing you all into my mess, I kept it in and let some things work through on their own. I have come to see that the world not only has no interest in hearing me spew my selfishness all over it, but that it doesn't help me work through anything to spew. It just makes more holes I have to go back and fill when I finally do work things out.

Basically, I am an emotional mess (and NO I'm not pregnant). I have just been feeling things a lot lately. I have looked around me and realized I am not so wise as I once thought I was. There are so many things I thought I knew that I now realize I was completely ignorant about. I went through some old ichat conversations last night (did you know ichat catalogues EVERY conversation?!) and I was talking about marriage with someone and I just laughed as I read about my ignorance. There I was saying what I thought about something and now I look back and think "Ha! If I knew then what I know now!" Well lets just say that my choice of words during that particular ichat session would have been different.

I am not saying anything bad about my husband mind you, and not saying I made a mistake either. I am just saying that I have had some doses of reality lately. Like the fact the I am no longer independent. I realized that when I wanted to cut and highlight my hair. Interesting story actually. I will tell.

So Michael's cousin is a wonderful hair cutter/stylist/highlighter putter inner or whatever you call it...and she agreed (because she rocks) to cut my hair for me. I so dreadfully wanted to cut it shorter, but then I remembered: Michael likes long hair. "Ugh" I thought. I just wanted to do something random and change things up a bit, put some highlights like in the "old days" of bible college and go for a different look. I felt drab and boring. Still, I just told her to trim the edges up a bit and went home without the drastic change I wanted. I cannot tell you what kind of reality check that was for me. Its like when I was little and I had to ask my dad permission to do everything, now I ask Michael and someday when I'm old and decrepit I will have to ask my kids for permission to do things!

I'm not saying I resent this having to ask but I was not expecting it. I don't know what I was expecting per say, but I think it was more of a parallel lifestyle. One in which I do what I want and Michael is still my love and we are married, he does what he wants and I am still his love and his wife. To put this in mathematical terms, I realized we have to live a linear life. Two variables that end up forming a straight line, not two separate lines that never intersect.

And so this has been an interesting reality check for me.

We drove by a boxing studio that opened in Hastings (a mere ten minute drive from our house!) and I was so excited! Michael squashed me by saying "I would never let you box" and I sat there fuming thinking "Well you won't let me box huh? OK then I won't let you ski. How about that? How about I don't allow you to do some things you want to do?!"

But then I realized how lame I was I never said those things out loud. Which is sometimes worse because things escalate in my head.

So where is the balance all you married people who are so much wiser than I? Can I yet be independent and still a good wife? Should I surrender my individuality to conform to what my husband prefers? Should he surrender his? Where is this boundary?

Advise me.

Now on to the next topic.

A. I miss my nose ring, Caleb is the one who made me take it out. I want it back. Michael doesn't like them either though. And I don't think work would appreciate it...
B. I miss being more of a hippy. The days where I used olive oil in my hair and didn't shower every day, had gauged ears and spent my days chilling in California with a bunch of bible college kids
C. I really want to go back to Israel.
D. I want more interestingness.
E. I want to be content.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Instead of many words in a blog I decided to make a movie of what is important to me, my friends and my family.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Realizing my need for the Lord.

Your holiness brings the friendship I need
Loneliness flees as I feel Your glory
Like morning break around me
As I decrease I find You're released
The rush of Your love,
Like the rush of Your blood
Lord, it sustains me, it sustains me

Want to tell You, tell You I love You
Just to know You, my sweetest friend

"Awake from your slumber, my dear friend"
You say
Arise and follow, for I am the way
In Me there is absolution"
I've been undone by Your holy touch
Comsumed by the fire of Your holy love
Lord, it sustains me

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A silent night, hence, time for a blog.

I find myself to be an anomaly, a rarity among people. I'm not saying that in an arrogant way or anything just that I noticed I must be a rarity since I have a problem relating to others around me. Well, relating sufficiently.

I have found these few things to be the defining difference in my person:
-My love of music. It is not a like, a preference, a song stuck in your head and have to listen to it, or anything so shallow. It is a need, a true love. I feel the music. I close my eyes and feel the pounding of strings in a orchestra, the vibrations. I feel the drums and the guitars and I can't help but feel enveloped by the sounds. When a song is right and hitting the right chords and timing and it all goes together, nothing else in the world seems to matter to me. Who knows why? Yet when I explain that I need music, I get some strange looks.

-My love of literature. Even my husband makes fun of me (actually more than anyone else) for my love of literature. I tell him about books, he laughs and teases me. I just can't help it. I don't just love the stories and the knowledge that is contained within the pages of the book but I love the book itself. I love the bindings, the paper, the words. I don't know why! I must be strange. I like to know that when I read I am expanding my understand and redefining the contents of my mind, enriching. I long to have a literary friend who would read the same works I read and expand my horizons. Who I could go to tea with and discuss the depths of the classics and contemporary. I always thought I would marry a person like I described above. I have pictures (in my head) of us sitting to tea discussing these things in the room we made into a library to hold our large book collection, but I don't think Michael would go for that! Oh well, I will have to make my own library! (do not think I love him less for this, but I do desire a shared appreciation! I do think his misunderstanding of literature is similar to my misunderstanding of skiing and working on cars for fun)

-I love art. There is a painting in my Aunts house (whom I visit often) that sits right above her chair. Whenever we are in conversation I have but to look over her shoulder and see the painting, it is beautiful. It is reminiscent of Monet, very impressionist. Up close you see only splashes of color that are nonsensical yet standing back there is beauty composed and ordered. I love this painting. It is just so beautiful. Art and music are very linked in my mind, it is all beauty. I hear beauty, I see beauty. It is all made to capture a small portion of the loveliness that is Our Lord. I often tell Michael while we are hiking how amazingly clever the Lord is and how I think everything beautiful and good in the world is not something from man, but another aspect of the Lord expressed through man. Like a painting. A painting of mountains and trees, beautiful, yes. It is only a replica however of the beauty the Lord made. Every picture, every moment captures in a still frame is only a hint of the beauty the Lord has already created. That is why I love art. God is creative, He is the creator. He made me to be creative because it is a characteristic of Him. I create with what He has given me only because HE first created. Understand or am I being nonsensical?

-My need for adventure. I need an adventure of some sort! I have this feeling in me that I will never be satisfied. I feel as though my skin is holding my heart back from running to the corners of the world to fulfill the longing for meaning. I want to matter, to do something important. Beyond raising children, being a nurse, being a wife, musician, artist. I want to impact. Do something maybe a little dangerous, not to glamorous, not ordinary. I feel though as if I will never fulfill this longing, that I will be stuck in the cycle of laundry, cooking for my wonderful (yes, he is wonderful) husband, working 9-5 and hiking on the weekends. Its fun but...I want more. I want an experience worth writing about!

I digress. I am working myself up. I feel bound within my body and my current lifestyle. No adventures, just life as I know it. Hmm. What now?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Old Post.

I read this old post I made from last April and even I was inspired by it! So I hope it will reach to your heart as well.

Knowledge: Power over the mind

Oh my Lord, knowledge is to much for me!
At times I wish I could go back to the time when I did not know things. When I could simply believe that God was God because it was obvious. When I didn't know people were going to hell.
At this moment people are dying and going to spend an eternity in hell, the epitome of suffering and despair! This knowledge is to much and it overwhelms me! How can a feeble mind such as my own comprehend or even dwell on such a subject without succumbing to madness?
And then I remember, God desires all to know Him. He has made a way for all to come to Him, and these people believe that they are above that way. Oh Lord I would intercede and pray that you would soften their hearts! That they would be won over by your gentle wooing of the soul! That they could experience this wonderful fullness of Your love!

Oh my Lord, my Love. Thank you for giving me this salvation. Thank you that I can wake without dread, without terror. That as a drift to sleep I can hear you whispering Your love in my ear. That I can feel you all around showing me daily that you Love me and that You, the Awesome Creator of the universe desire me! How can this be!

Lord help me to truly desire you and seek after you even a fraction of the way that you seek after and desire me. Why you seek me, why you would desire this heart, I do not know nor pretend to be worthy of. Nonetheless, I am overcome by it.

Oh my Lord, my Love. I desire to please you! I desire to be in Your presence, Oh if You would continue to reveal yourself and Your loving nature to me new every morning! How can I despair when there is so much love? When I am loved in such a romance, such a wonderful romance as no novel can contain!

I thank You my Love that you promise me no more tears! That you have written in Your letter to me (and all the world) that there will be a day when we will be with you without the barrier of this flesh, when we will be with you forever without the thought of sin. I cannot comprehend what it will be like to not have to watch my back, to not have a need to distrust, to be wary. All I will do is love and be loved and sing praises to my Love who is most worthy!

At times I am jealous, wishing that I could have You to myself. And then I realize, you are the Climax, love can not get any greater than the love that you have, the love that you give. I know you can not love anyone more than you love me (nor can you love me more than you love every one) because your love cannot get any greater; it is already the greatest thing there is! You love every person with a love so perfect, so great that it cannot get any grander! Oh my Lord this is wonderful!

I thank You, my Lord and my Love for this romance!
And Lord, at the end of this letter, my mind is settled. I know that those who go to Hell have only chosen that way willingly. My only sadness is not that they are in suffering, but that they missed out on You and Your wonderful offer of romance.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Wow, where to begin?

Blogging has not been on the top of my list lately. I will give you the run down on current events and then I believe you will understand why this has been set aside!

So Michael and I bought a house. We closed on it on my birthday, July 8. Yep, I'm 22 now! But anyways, that seems like so long ago albeit only a month! Since the closing day we tore up floors, yards, trees, repainted, put in carpeting and hardwood floors, remodeled and overdid it for ourselves. I'm tired.

Plus, we got hitched. Last week, it was fun. More to come on that later. Right now I just need to get to the point.

First: I'm getting sick of dealing with some types of people. Second: I'm tired of this hectic lifestyle. Third: I miss Michael when I'm at work, I work evening, he works days. Lame.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Friday, June 26, 2009

Margaret Anne Chikeles

My niece is here :)
She was 9lbs 4oz and 21 inches long, my sister had her without a drop of pain meds and she did wonderful! She is the most beautiful and alert baby ever!

Friday, June 19, 2009

This is home.

This song does a good job of explaining how I feel about my current situation. I realized today that I need to stop going to Red Wing (the town my parents old house is in) because it just makes me sad. I just feel like I should go home, see my family, something like that when I am there, its all so familiar. But its not real anymore. I just need to get used to this!

I’ve got my memories
Always inside of me
But I cant go back, back to how it was

I believe now
Ive come too far
No I cant go back, back to how it was

Created for a place ive never known
This is home
Now im finally where I belong, where I belong
Yah this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

Belief over misery
I seen the enemy
And I wont go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide its not over yet
We miracles, and were not alone

Yah this is home, now im finally where I belong
Yea this is home, ive been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

And now, after all my searching
After all my questions
Im going to call it home
I got a brand new mind set
I can finally see the sunset
Im gonna call it home

Home, this is home
Now Im finally where I belong, belong
Yes this is home,
Ive been searching for a place of my own
Now I found it,
Maybe this is home
This is home

Now I know
Yea this is home

Ive come too far
And I wont go back
Yea this is home

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Home stretch.

Well everyone, we are in the home stretch. My mom is leaving tomorrow to live with my sister until after the baby is born and then she is back to Canada. I'm dropping Daniel off on Friday for his annual Army training at Fort Ripley and he will be gone until after the house is closed on, so this is the last few days of living at home with my baby brother. Its like I already let go of my sister, she was gone awhile ago. I have been letting go of mom and dad for awhile now, but now it Daniel. Probably my best friend other than Michael and my sister. I'm going to wake up on Friday morning and make him a big old fashioned breakfast, finish moving all the boxes out of the house and then drive him to Rochester and drop him off.

It will be hard going back to an empty house...again. I will miss living at home with my family. I will miss having a home with my family. I hope Michael and I will have a house that will allow my brother to have a room since he won't have a home base here anymore.

You know, you gotta hand it to my parents. This is rough you guys, but they are following the Lord. How many people do you know who would up and go to a different country because they felt it was where the Lord was leading? It may not be the "perfect" plan but it is the most perfect plan at the same time. God's plan is perfect. Ours is so finite, focused on comfort and longing. Thankfully my parents are seeking the Lord and trying to follow His will. It would stink for them to stay in this house in our comfortable lives only to be disobeying the Lord!

That being said, its still not easy. I think I may have to move out of my house sooner than I thought because I can't stand to be here all alone. Thankfully God has put special people in my life for such a time as this. I don't know who I would turn to if it wasn't for the new friends He has put directly in my path. So...thanks. From the bottom of my heart, thanks.

And maybe...I can get through the next month.


God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Our God is so clever! Today my brother and I went for a walk in the cannon bottoms (it is in between some bluffs, which are like big rocky bite size mountains) and it was awesome! So beautiful. All while we were walking we got talking. God is so clever! We decided we were both so thankful God chose to make the sky so blue and the leaves green! Fortunately the sky isn't pink and leaves purple. God just made everything so PERFECT! Creation screams out the glory of the Lord!

I just find so much comfort in being able to look at the world and see it as a glorious creation by a loving and willing God. How blessed are we?

I think of my mornings, He made mornings for people like me. Coffee brewing with that comforting sound, how did He make that first sip taste so wonderful? Leaves that rustle in the wind, birds that sing praises. Don't you think birds sound like they are singing to the Lord? I bet you they are. I wonder if birds know that it is the Lord who watches over them and provides for them. I wonder if the sparrows care that they got an honourable mention in scripture. Reading my bible is always so refreshing. I know on the days I don't get to it (which are become few, I have been strongly convicted and here I share) I feel lethargic in my soul. I feel as though I am saying to the Lord "Don't worry, I can get through this day without You" Its like He is waiting there to help and sees me doing things on my own. I just am like that 5 year old trying to lift 100lbs and I keep looking at my dad standing there who wants to help and yet I say "No I can get it, just let me do it" while they 100lbs never budges. So my reading is a joyful resignation that I cannot do it on my own.

I feel like I'm rambling, probably because I am. Its just that the Lord is so good! Things have been so hard lately and yet He just gives me goodness and joy thats just...unexplainable! Its the peace that surpasses understanding. He has let me have a little :)


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A recap.

This is a blog from the past. I think its from the middle of November but just read it and realize how much my heart has changed since then! I read it and was amazed! God is so good!

So tonight I rallied the troops and we all got together for around the world ping pong at church, egyptian roadkill, president, and to end it all some great games of mafia. Seriously, tonight was fun. We also had pizza and Mt. Dew :)

Although I enjoy these times of just getting together and laughing and having a good time I really wish that we did more. I feel as though we are a bunch of young lives that have a lot of potential but we waste it every weekend by just hanging out and having a good time. I don't know what I am waiting for really, but it is something big. Maybe my next big step towards the call God has placed on my life is becoming Michael's wife.

I keep wondering...what if the ultimate call God has placed on my life is not to be a police officer, a paramedic, a nurse, and on the SWAT team. What if I need to give up those things, those dreams I have held on to for so long and surrender to another plan? Not necessarily a bad or lesser plan but just a different one? What if the Lord has called me to be Michael's wife. His support. A good mother who raises Godly children. Can I settle with that ultimate goal? Can I do more than settle? Can I rejoice in the awesomeness of the Lord through that? I think I can. I have to learn to let go of my pride. My pride says that I need my degree to amount to something. It says that I need to get a good job and have an earthly title. My flesh screams for it. The Word of the Lord contradicts it however.

The Bible says to not seek earthly titles. They only "puff up" the flesh. So now I am really struggling with this. I have some of the more liberal christians out there who tell me "Oh you don't have to give up your dreams! You can still do those things and be Michael's wife!" I know this but really and truly if I go biblically, a wife stays at home. Raises her children and supports her husband. The only time a woman steps up is when there are no men to do the job. Like Deborah in Judges. She had to step in to fill the gap because there were no righteous men around. Now we can look at this and say that in the modern world it doesn't apply. Life is so different now. Does this go across the board or just for this though? Are we also supposed to not follow whatever examples seem "outdated" in the Word?

I'm not saying that I am going to be a stay at home mom and not do anything but raise my kids for my whole life. I don't know what I will do! I am just sharing what has been going through my mind lately. I want to be obedient to the Lord and He is showing me these little tidbits the more I seek Him. The more I seek Him I come to see this path as a blessing not a curse. I am excited someday to stay at home with my kids. It is a high calling.

I am still working out in my head and my heart the surrendering part. It is hard for me to grasp but if I can't surrender this part of my life and say "Lord, take it" then what am I? A sorry christian thats for sure. I need to surrender every single part of my life and that means even the parts I have planned and be willing for the Lord to change them. I think I am willing. I hope I am willing.

Wow! See I told you that was interesting!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Another tidbit of wisdom from Oswald Chambers. "My Utmost for His Highest" has always convicted me but in the light of my present worries this one really got me! Read and be blessed:

Are you obsessed by something? You will probably say, "No, by nothing," but all of us are obsessed by something— usually by ourselves, or, if we are Christians, by our own experience of the Christian life. But the psalmist says that we are to be obsessed by God. The abiding awareness of the Christian life is to be God Himself, not just thoughts about Him. The total being of our life inside and out is to be absolutely obsessed by the presence of God. A child’s awareness is so absorbed in his mother that although he is not consciously thinking of her, when a problem arises, the abiding relationship is that with the mother. In that same way, we are to "live and move and have our being" in God ( Acts 17:28 ), looking at everything in relation to Him, because our abiding awareness of Him continually pushes itself to the forefront of our lives.

If we are obsessed by God, nothing else can get into our lives— not concerns, nor tribulation, nor worries. And now we understand why our Lord so emphasized the sin of worrying. How can we dare to be so absolutely unbelieving when God totally surrounds us? To be obsessed by God is to have an effective barricade against all the assaults of the enemy.

"He himself shall dwell in prosperity . . ." ( Psalm 25:13 ). God will cause us to "dwell in prosperity," keeping us at ease, even in the midst of tribulation, misunderstanding, and slander, if our "life is hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:3). We rob ourselves of the miraculous, revealed truth of this abiding companionship with God. "God is our refuge . . ." ( Psalm 46:1 ). Nothing can break through His shelter of protection.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I don't feel too well.

I feel like curling up in a ball on the sofa in my old house (the farm) and watching my horses run around in the pasture. That will never happen again but thats where I want to be.

My house is so empty, today I tried to rearrange things to make it feel a little better. I brought out pretty much all of my stuff and put pictures up, lamps out, candles, made a makeshift coffee table with the leaf from my kitchen table, and overall tried to make it feel like a place I can live again. And Michael tried to help but his walking around and noting out loud that it was so empty and there was nothing there to work with really didn't make me feel much better. Duh, its empty. Thats what I'm trying to fix. To his credit he nervously did everything I asked him to do. I think he was waiting for an emotional explosion to happen but I just didn't want to feel anything. I think we said about 20 words in 2 hours. Poor guy.

I pulled out a lot of stuff from my bridal shower and tried to restock the kitchen again. I just want to feel like I will be able to stand living there for the next 37 days. It stinks that everything is so different. It'll be ok, eventually. Right now though I hug Mindi (the dog) every time I'm about to leave and we both (if dogs could cry that is) start crying. She sits there and is sad with me at least, I know she's sad. She misses my family already probably as much as I do. At least Daniel will be living with me when he is done helping the parents move to Canada. I will have to make him pancakes in the morning and we will listen to Petra just like the old days. Other than that it will just be me and Daniel instead of everyone. Oh will work out.

And my mom will be popping in intermittently too. She will be staying in St.Cloud mostly but she said she will be back and forth pretty much until the baby is born (my sister's baby) and then she will primarily be up there. Its good, my sister needs my mom more than I do right now. We both start crying (my sister and I) every time we think about the parents being gone. Especially my dad since he won't be back until the wedding. It was sad yesterday to watch him say goodbye, it broke my heart. He put his hand on my sister's pregnant belly and said to it "I'm sorry your Opa (thats what the grandkids will call him instead of Grandpa) can't be here when your born." And then he hugged my sister and cried for about a minute. It was rough. Then he hugged me and said "One thing never changes, your room is still a mess right now." and we both cried. Then he said "I love you little girl." Then he left.

Then my mom, sister, her husband Kevin, my brother Daniel, his girlfriend Brette, and me (alone, no Michael) sat in the living room and prayed for my dad. My brother started out praying but then he was crying to much. It was nice to see Brette (his girlfriend) put her hand on his back and just comfort him (she is the best comforter). And Beth had Kevin there to comfort her, and I didn't have Michael, he was at a graduation party. That was hard. I had to deal with it on my own. My mom gave me a hug, so that was good. I didn't feel quite so alone then, just mostly. When I said goodbye to all of them and they drove away I stood in the kitchen of the empty house with Mindi at my side just crying. I looked around and I felt as empty as all the rooms. Mindi is such a good dog, she just sat there. She would have hugged me if she could.

It will all get better soon. Its hard to think that God is with me still because I just feel so empty and alone.

But Blessed be the Name of the Lord. He gives and takes away, this I know. Still, I'm trying to say, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If I were a secret agent...

Well the title may be deceiving. It should be "If I didn't watch TV..." but thats not as alluring. Basically today I realized that I would have almost no problems in career choice, satisfaction, body image, and more if I just didn't watch TV or movies. What is life without TV or movies you may ask? Well its a heck a lot of interesting thats what it is. Think of it, those movie perfect slim jim girls with perfect hair no tan lines, and ever perfect makeup don't walk around the streets of everyday "real-lifeville" they only live in moviesand inTV.

So today as I was laid up in bed for the better part of the day I watched online episodes of ER and realized wow...if I based my job off of this show I would be seriously dissapointed. First of all, our ER isn't like that. Second of all, there is no real hospital in the world with that many good looking 20 something doctors running around. And nurses? For real people. I love the nurses in our ER but seriously the nurses in the show are these sassy little things who look about 25 and like they probably wouldn't survive anything remotely academic. But besides that I enjoy it. I mean I love it when this guy comes in the door with right lower quadrant pain and the doctor says immediately "He has an appy! Get him to surgery!" wow. I wish I could meet the doctor with the prowess to diagnose a walking appendicitis with no blood work, no CT, no Xray, no UA, no stand up and do a little dance, no ANYTHING just walk in the door holding your side and "to the OR with you!"

Anyways. What I'm trying to say is I get this idea of real life from TV and movies that is so unrealistic. Like I expect things to be that way. They don't bring up how HIPPA complicates everything. They don't bring up rules about fraternization. They don't bring up the fact that not every patient who is "down" comes back when you shock them a couple times and that not every trauma is a drama (wasn't supposed to rhyme). It's just that I expect things that aren't possible now because I have been so tainted. Just because Abby Lockhart made it through medical school while working full time and overtime as an ER nurse doesn't mean I can do that too.

Then watching a show with my mom (by the way I never watch this much TV, I feel like a bum but this like a only when I am really sick thing, usually I don't watch ANY tv!!) called NCIS and there is an agent in that show who is just the coolest agent EVER to hit the earth. She is Ziva, an agent from Israel who speaks a bazillion languages and can kick anyone's butt. It makes me think...maybe I should give up this stupid medical stuff that is so stuffy and sterile and "wear gloves" and "don't reach into a sterile environment or you make me dirty..wahhhh" and go kick some butt. Thats what I should do, I could so do that! I could learn to do that flying jump kick thing and wield a gun as I'm falling while simultaneously throwing a knife at an attacker behind me. Yeah. And then after about 10 seconds of that stupidity I realize that no, real life isn't like that either. In real life people have limitations. People don't know the script. God writes the script and doesn't let us peek.

SO in the end I suppose that is what is so appealing about movies and TV shows. There is script. Its controlled. Its foreseeable and its reasonable. There isn't this indefinite something that comes after death. It can be whatever the writer wants it to be. People who have lived a life of sin die peacefully in movies when in real life if that person were dying they would probably be screaming for mercy. It seems attractive to us to have a script, to be able to know the ending and to know all the predictable moves but remember, dear reader, God is our director. And unfortunately we don't get stunt doubles. I do all my own stunts and sometimes...I get hurt. But hopefully my movie will end with the director saying "Cut! Well done. That was just what I wanted from you!"

That would be nice.

And it all hits home at once.

This week has not been easy, and keep in mind its only Tuesday.

First of all, I got sick on Saturday night. The big bang hit me Sunday and I was laid up in bed all day without relief from a horrible headache, throatache, body chills, fever, nausea, pretty much all the good stuff. I was hoping it would be over by the next morning but after a very restless night I awoke to only more pain (at 4 in the morning). I went to the express clinic in the afternoon where the only told me I don't have strep and thats its a virus I need to wait out. I am still in bed, still feeling pretty horrible, I have sores on my throat and can't breathe through my nose. Mazel tov.

Along with being sick I am dealing with the fact that my parents are leaving and that I will no longer have a "home" to bring friends to on the weekends, no place for bonfires or to eat pancakes with the family, no where to sit on the roof with my brother or to have family meeting in the living room. Its just sad. It hit me today. In between feeling like I was going to die I tried to help pack up stuff. My dad had me put books in boxes, movies, lamps, that kind of stuff. That was all fine but then my mom asked me to take down pictures from the walls. I walked around and took down pictures that haven't left our walls since we moved in here, things that made our house our house. It was...sad. I sat down on the couch and starting crying. My mom came in the room and gave me a hug and asked why I was crying and I sat there blubbering not making any sense but somehow managing out the words "its like taking away our house, I can stand movies and books but not pictures." She did the mom thing and just let me cry for a minute then told me it would be ok and that she didn't have time for a breakdown today. I laughed and said I would have one everyday for her.

Its just hard. I think back to a mistake at work or a fight with a friend. A paycheck I forgot to tithe on...its all been running through my head non stop these last few days. It stinks. Its like the world is coming to a my head...however that works.

And I don't deal with everything well. I'm too emotional for emotional stuff. And I'm sick so my brains not working to well. (Hey Beth is this what a pregnant brain feels like?) I know that the Lord is doing what is good and I am fully prepared to embrace that with joy. I do believe Romans 8:28, its just harder to live it than some people think.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


So today my mom and dad left for Canada. Not for good yet, they will be home Monday or Tuesday and then will be around until the 24th. After that its hasta la vista.

It was actually really sad, I think my dad realized as we were saying goodbye that its...goobye. Its not going to be the same anymore. This realization became acute to me as I went to church, the place I have always seen my dad (maybe even more than I saw him in our own house) for the last nine years. He wasn't there. Mom wasn't there. It stunk.

So now I am at home, my little brother is back from college so thats nice. Even though he plays loud music I prefer that to the lonely silence I will have around here tomorrow night. How disconcerting.

Basically, I know it will be hard to not see my parents. Especially my dad since he will only be back a couple of times a year (mom you know I love and will miss you a lot too) and, gotta tell you, I'm a daddy's girl. So today it just made me think (while my dad and I stood in the driveway crying) about all the great times we've had together.

Here are some things me and Dad have done together:
Went to Israel together (twice)
Have driven to chicago many times.
Made random inventions.
Sword fought in the front and back yards (moved to the back when the neighbors got weirded out)
Let me mascara his beard.
Taught me about nuclear chemistry.
Studied the word together for near hours. (how is it dad's just know the answers!?)
Made plenty of pancakes.
Hiked barn bluff the day after he lost his job, just the two of us, to watch the sun rise.
Ate at Larry's Broiler :)
Played golf.
Taught me (and probably gained gray hairs doing so) to drive both regular and stick shift.
Sat on the roof to watch thunder storms.
Sat on the silo to watch thunderstorms.
Got chastised about being on high areas watching thunderstorms.
Tried to train our little fat welsh pony together, and failed.
Taught me to shoot.
Taught me to change the oil in a car.
Let me "help" work on cars when I was little even though all I did was bang on random pieces with a wrench.
Jumped on the trampoline a lot!
Taught me how to paint, cut in on the ceiling, and how to properly hold a paintbrush.
"I sorry daddy!"
He can call me "little girl" all the time and sometimes it scares the life out of me and other times its the best name.
We have a "secret handshake" thats actually a mirror of one he has with his twin brother.

Wow this list is going to be too long if I keep going. Basically, I love you daddy :)

And momma, I love you too!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Thing that I like!

Well first of all, here is my new Kitchen Aid mixer in the kitchen where it belongs! It did just swimmingly for whipping up frosting for a cake to bring to work (pictured below). I had left over fondant from making my sister's cake and so I made this little Lemon Buttercream cake to take to work. Everyone loved it!

This is before I brushed all the powdered sugar off of it, it turned out quite cute for something I just whipped up in my free time before work.

These are some pictures that I think turned out absolutely gorgeous. My sister is a beautiful pregnant woman!

The colour turned out wonderful too.

I always tell that little girl to get out here because I want to meet her, so far she hasn't listened which is probably for the better! But its true, I want to meet her now!

And now...

I can post pictures of the cake because Beth saw it at the party :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cake decorating.

Today I spent the day *again* at Kris's house making the cake for my sisters baby shower! I wish I could post pictures of the cake itself but since I know my dear sister will read this, I can't. I want it to be a surprise :)

So you will get the general jist of it and have a couple of hints as to what the theme is and what it does look like, only you won't see the whole cake or the key components.

About 2 hours into our cooking day Kris got a call from the hospital asking her to work a 12 hour shift overnight tonight instead of a 12 hour tomorrow for the day. She said yes and after getting me squared away and showing her skills she went to bed and I finished the cake. After putting a three year old down for a nap, changing a VERY poopy diaper and holding a kid on my back in a baby carrier I felt a little like super woman. "I can do this!" I thought. And yes, apparently I could. Hey, maybe it was a one time God-gifted endurance but I was able to decorate probably the best cake I have made yet and to top it all off I was shaking and starting to get a migraine (which is getting worse as I type, so I'm going to make this short).

Hannah trying to find the right tip in the big black box of cake decorating stuff.

Me with a baby on my back working on the cake :)

The master at work.

Trying to teach me something about how to put fondant on a cake. I've done it before but I'm definitely not as good as she is.

Its called skill.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Favorite Quotes from the ER:

So today I realized: I should cronicle the quotes from the ER.
The nurses say some hilarious things. I shall give you some examples...

Patient (who happens to be a very frequent flyer, about once a week for the last 2 months): This pain is excruciating! I can't handle it!
Nurse: No, your excruciating, but we handle you, all the time.

Here's a good one that I actually saw happened in and was good.

Nurse: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your pain?
Patient: um..
Nurse: Ok say 1 is no pain and 10 is torture, like hacking at your leg with a dull blade.
Patient: Wow...well its not torture but...maybe...2.

Another good one that you may not get unless you understand what the ER is like:

Nurse: Who's your primary doctor?
Patient: This one.
Nurse: This one being...
Patient: The ER doctor.
Nurse: You can't have the ER doctor be your primary doctor.
Patient: But I see him for everything...

Here's another one, I will add more too when I hear them:

Patient:This pain is killing me, you have to do something!
Nurse: No, pain doesn't kill. You might pass out, but the pain won't be what kills you so quiet down.


Monday, May 4, 2009

So last night I went horseback riding again. It was very fun, there is nothing quite like relaxing to the rhythm of riding a horse.

Well Laura and I rode over to Kris's house leading another horse so that when we got there Kris could go riding with us. When we did get there my horse was being a butt and since Kris is pretty much the horse whisperer she took my horse (Ginger) and I took the big fat cow of a horse Shawnie. Shawnie has the worst trot EVER and is very bouncy. But big perk! I got to give Joshua a ride too!

He went with us grinning the whole way sitting in front of me in the saddle (it is a very large saddle). Halfway through the ride though, he fell asleep! It was so adorable. He was just completely out. He kept on sliding from side to side and I really didn't want to drop him so I figured out a way to wrap my arm around him so that I was holding his head from flopping while still securing his body (and leading the horse with the other hand, this is where the big fat cow part is kind of handy). I realized after a bit that it was a little like Lord of the Rings where (in the movie, I am enough of a nerd to know that this is not how it happened in the book) Arwen takes Frodo to Rivendell and he is in the saddle in front of her. I told Kris and Laura "I feel like Arwen holding Frodo! I have my own little hobbit!" They thought it was funny, but seriously, thats what it was like! I kept laughing to myself the whole way back and Joshua was just so cute sleeping there. Laura decided I look like an elf so I found a picture of me and a picture of Arwen. (this is the most elfy picture I could think of?)

Even if I don't look like an elf, I do look extremely pale.

Not that that makes it anymore Elvish, just an observation.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bridal shower :)

I got all of these from my bridal shower in Chicago with all my family! So amazing. I got a lot of other sweet stuff too, and it was so fun. I have never attended a bridal shower I have enjoyed until now. We played FUN games and the best part was just sitting around and talking. I love all those people :)

Big thanks to Beth, Holli, and Bryanna for doing all the work they did! I love you guys!