I find myself to be an anomaly, a rarity among people. I'm not saying that in an arrogant way or anything just that I noticed I must be a rarity since I have a problem relating to others around me. Well, relating sufficiently.
I have found these few things to be the defining difference in my person:
-My love of music. It is not a like, a preference, a song stuck in your head and have to listen to it, or anything so shallow. It is a need, a true love. I feel the music. I close my eyes and feel the pounding of strings in a orchestra, the vibrations. I feel the drums and the guitars and I can't help but feel enveloped by the sounds. When a song is right and hitting the right chords and timing and it all goes together, nothing else in the world seems to matter to me. Who knows why? Yet when I explain that I need music, I get some strange looks.
-My love of literature. Even my husband makes fun of me (actually more than anyone else) for my love of literature. I tell him about books, he laughs and teases me. I just can't help it. I don't just love the stories and the knowledge that is contained within the pages of the book but I love the book itself. I love the bindings, the paper, the words. I don't know why! I must be strange. I like to know that when I read I am expanding my understand and redefining the contents of my mind, enriching. I long to have a literary friend who would read the same works I read and expand my horizons. Who I could go to tea with and discuss the depths of the classics and contemporary. I always thought I would marry a person like I described above. I have pictures (in my head) of us sitting to tea discussing these things in the room we made into a library to hold our large book collection, but I don't think Michael would go for that! Oh well, I will have to make my own library! (do not think I love him less for this, but I do desire a shared appreciation! I do think his misunderstanding of literature is similar to my misunderstanding of skiing and working on cars for fun)
-I love art. There is a painting in my Aunts house (whom I visit often) that sits right above her chair. Whenever we are in conversation I have but to look over her shoulder and see the painting, it is beautiful. It is reminiscent of Monet, very impressionist. Up close you see only splashes of color that are nonsensical yet standing back there is beauty composed and ordered. I love this painting. It is just so beautiful. Art and music are very linked in my mind, it is all beauty. I hear beauty, I see beauty. It is all made to capture a small portion of the loveliness that is Our Lord. I often tell Michael while we are hiking how amazingly clever the Lord is and how I think everything beautiful and good in the world is not something from man, but another aspect of the Lord expressed through man. Like a painting. A painting of mountains and trees, beautiful, yes. It is only a replica however of the beauty the Lord made. Every picture, every moment captures in a still frame is only a hint of the beauty the Lord has already created. That is why I love art. God is creative, He is the creator. He made me to be creative because it is a characteristic of Him. I create with what He has given me only because HE first created. Understand or am I being nonsensical?
-My need for adventure. I need an adventure of some sort! I have this feeling in me that I will never be satisfied. I feel as though my skin is holding my heart back from running to the corners of the world to fulfill the longing for meaning. I want to matter, to do something important. Beyond raising children, being a nurse, being a wife, musician, artist. I want to impact. Do something maybe a little dangerous, not to glamorous, not ordinary. I feel though as if I will never fulfill this longing, that I will be stuck in the cycle of laundry, cooking for my wonderful (yes, he is wonderful) husband, working 9-5 and hiking on the weekends. Its fun but...I want more. I want an experience worth writing about!
I digress. I am working myself up. I feel bound within my body and my current lifestyle. No adventures, just life as I know it. Hmm. What now?