Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A silent night, hence, time for a blog.

I find myself to be an anomaly, a rarity among people. I'm not saying that in an arrogant way or anything just that I noticed I must be a rarity since I have a problem relating to others around me. Well, relating sufficiently.

I have found these few things to be the defining difference in my person:
-My love of music. It is not a like, a preference, a song stuck in your head and have to listen to it, or anything so shallow. It is a need, a true love. I feel the music. I close my eyes and feel the pounding of strings in a orchestra, the vibrations. I feel the drums and the guitars and I can't help but feel enveloped by the sounds. When a song is right and hitting the right chords and timing and it all goes together, nothing else in the world seems to matter to me. Who knows why? Yet when I explain that I need music, I get some strange looks.

-My love of literature. Even my husband makes fun of me (actually more than anyone else) for my love of literature. I tell him about books, he laughs and teases me. I just can't help it. I don't just love the stories and the knowledge that is contained within the pages of the book but I love the book itself. I love the bindings, the paper, the words. I don't know why! I must be strange. I like to know that when I read I am expanding my understand and redefining the contents of my mind, enriching. I long to have a literary friend who would read the same works I read and expand my horizons. Who I could go to tea with and discuss the depths of the classics and contemporary. I always thought I would marry a person like I described above. I have pictures (in my head) of us sitting to tea discussing these things in the room we made into a library to hold our large book collection, but I don't think Michael would go for that! Oh well, I will have to make my own library! (do not think I love him less for this, but I do desire a shared appreciation! I do think his misunderstanding of literature is similar to my misunderstanding of skiing and working on cars for fun)

-I love art. There is a painting in my Aunts house (whom I visit often) that sits right above her chair. Whenever we are in conversation I have but to look over her shoulder and see the painting, it is beautiful. It is reminiscent of Monet, very impressionist. Up close you see only splashes of color that are nonsensical yet standing back there is beauty composed and ordered. I love this painting. It is just so beautiful. Art and music are very linked in my mind, it is all beauty. I hear beauty, I see beauty. It is all made to capture a small portion of the loveliness that is Our Lord. I often tell Michael while we are hiking how amazingly clever the Lord is and how I think everything beautiful and good in the world is not something from man, but another aspect of the Lord expressed through man. Like a painting. A painting of mountains and trees, beautiful, yes. It is only a replica however of the beauty the Lord made. Every picture, every moment captures in a still frame is only a hint of the beauty the Lord has already created. That is why I love art. God is creative, He is the creator. He made me to be creative because it is a characteristic of Him. I create with what He has given me only because HE first created. Understand or am I being nonsensical?

-My need for adventure. I need an adventure of some sort! I have this feeling in me that I will never be satisfied. I feel as though my skin is holding my heart back from running to the corners of the world to fulfill the longing for meaning. I want to matter, to do something important. Beyond raising children, being a nurse, being a wife, musician, artist. I want to impact. Do something maybe a little dangerous, not to glamorous, not ordinary. I feel though as if I will never fulfill this longing, that I will be stuck in the cycle of laundry, cooking for my wonderful (yes, he is wonderful) husband, working 9-5 and hiking on the weekends. Its fun but...I want more. I want an experience worth writing about!

I digress. I am working myself up. I feel bound within my body and my current lifestyle. No adventures, just life as I know it. Hmm. What now?


E. Chikeles said...

1rst- it is rather surprising and a little astounding to read "my husband" coming from you... I guess I've said 'Melody is married' but hearing you say 'my husband' makes me feel much too grown up.

2nd- I feel your love for literature, though I am not nearly intelligent enough to discuss it. That is why Judah and I once started a book club... you should start one too; I bet nurses read.

3rd- You should read Isobel Kuhn. She is my favorite missionary author and she had your heart of "adventure"... perhaps God will use yours for something like mission work to the Chinese deep in the mountains... lol
But I must say your statement about needing adventure above housework and raising children is only ignorance... raising children is the greatest adventure of all time. From the outside it looks monotonous, and perhaps diapers and feedings can be, but to house, produce, and raise a human being is beyond adventurous.

... perhaps you should try it. =)

4th- nice blog.

Tammy said...

A) I have to agree with Beth. You should read Isobel Kuhn.
B) I have to agree with Beth about motherhood being an adventure too. Until you're in the midst of doing it you may feel like you need to do "all the fun exciting stuff" first. Oh, how wrong you would be young padawan!
C)Don't write Michael off in the literature department. Your dad had no clue about literature (and yes, I know what you're thinking right now) but he is coming along and fully supported me as I raised literary buffs to share my love of literature with me. To show me love he has often read books aloud with me that he would've never even considered before.
D) We could have a long distance book club with the three of us...or more...could be a lot of fun.
E) I used letters to make fun of how B&K use numbers. Lol.

Love you.

Do you ever read my blog?

Tammy said...

You even have Canadian money on your page now.

You'll have to show me how to make my page cool.

- Sarah :-) said...

Well, I just wanted you to know that I'm the SAME way with music, if not more so! I actually get edgy and irritable when I've gone any length without music. And then if it's bad - if everything doesn't match it's like nails on a CHALKBOARD to me! And don't get me started on how I find beats in walking and driving, or the windshield wipers not matching the beat of the music is SOO horrible! Or how I hear music in the rain or the wind or... even in McStudly's and my breathing as I fall asleep.

...sometimes I almost feel like it's a sickness, but then I remember that I'm a creation, too... and I can't imagine any of that being a "mistake", ya know? So McStudly learns to deal with it, and I learn to try and not let the irritations and frustrations keep me from seeing/hearing even more beauty.

But seriously - it's intense, my passion for music. I think we need to compare notes!!

Melody said...

Its the same for me, I find a beat in everything. I breathe in a beat with how I walk and I walk with a beat of things I hear. I can't get off rhythm or it drives me up the wall. I need to hear chords together and people on key...or it not only aggravates me but it sets me on edge and I feel anxious. WHY?!

Uriel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Uriel said...

Pray & write poetry. It helps me.

Also, in the adventure dept, I just read something Spurgeon wrote about how God blesses us according to our faith, not our ability. & by "Blesses" I think he meant gives adventures in being the conduit of God's power in His work.

Uriel said...

It's been a while since you blogged anything, you must be having adventures enough!

Tammy said...

I agree with Judah! I came on here specifically to comment on the fact that you haven't blogged in a very long time. I think it's time, don't you?

Carlos said...

Well, you are not alone. Perhaps you are a freak, but then we are freaks together.

I need the music, I feel it, I hear the poetry, the literature, and in my mind I can agree that being a mother is the greatest adventure...but something in me screams for something else as well. The need you have that makes you feel as if you will burst right out of your skin if it doesn't happen...(soon???). Carlos and I like to joke that we have 'overly mythic' views of ourselves :-)

you are not alone.
but you are a freak.