Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tis a very strange thing.

Love. Tis a very strange thing. I love Michael more than I ever thought I could ever love anyone. I never knew I would be like this, I don't fall easily! How did it happen? Its almost worse than being single because I spend so much time worrying that something will happen to this man that has more of my heart than I do...I get so worried. Especially working in the ER. I see people with their loved one, usually its a little old woman with her little old husband dying in the bed. She holds his hand and we try to act normal, I guess in a hospital it is normal just not normal to me I guess. 

I don't think I could stand ever losing him. I know I probably shouldn't think about it, but thinking about losing him is what made me realize I loved him. He got into a horrible 65 mph head on crash last June and I remember the minute I found out about it I knew I loved him because the thought of never being able to see him again made me stop. Just stop, I don't know what stopped but I think everything. Like I woke up all of a sudden and knew I had to be with him. 

And now I fear losing him. I pray that the Lord would help me get over the fear of losing him. That I wouldn't be worried all the time and that I would hold Michael as a gift the Lord gave to me and know that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be His name either way. But still...I don't want him hurt. I don't want him gone. I want him safe and here with me.

*Side note*
In case your reading this Michael, I love you more than I could ever express :)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Questions anyone...oh you with the stupid sign on your head.

Yeah the stupid sign kid is me.

I don't really know how to explain or what to explain because who knows who reads this blog, but basically, everything tends to stink. Friends become enemies, enemies make life miserable, friends become family and soon enough family always fights. Enemies go back to being friends and so on and so forth. The circle of life. The explain it in the Lion King. But in that movie when they fight people get killed or driven into the jungle, a much more desirable effect than what happens here. Here instead of death and fleeing for safety there are words spoken in secret, passed along from ear to ear until they meet the ones they were never supposed too. 

There are people so in love that they don't know how to handle it, people who say stupid things all the time. People who don't know how to convey things without letting the world in. 

There are people who hold onto a person who loves them even though they don't love them back and are scared of commitment just because they don't want to be alone. How could someone really do that? How could you sleep at night knowing you hold someone else's heart in your hands and not cherish that? How could you put a stipulation on someone's love like your career? Choosing a career over someone who truly loves you shows the mindset of the 21st century. Life is short, who knows if there will be a tomorrow for you or me or anyone. Why waste it in a school learning things for a career when you have the option of love. Sure, a career is great. Necessary even. But when it comes down to choosing this or that the choice should be clear. Love doesn't come easy people, the California Raisins have a song that says so. You could be successful and knowledgeable but without love, who cares.

I am glad Michael holds my heart. And that he loves me back. 

Tell me why is it so hard to trust? I guess ducks don't have to be in a row but I really like mine to be at least organized. Color coded maybe...but anyways it just seems like taking a blind leap is far to risky. I want to know I have a place to live, to know I will have a job and food and not have to sleep in a tent. The Lord can handle all this and more yet I can't trust. He has given me Michael to rely on and put my trust in yet I can't trust. 

The one thing I worry about...wait ok there are two things I worry about. One and firstly is that Michael and I will not trust each other. I will rely on my dad in trouble and he will fall back on his parents. I have had more time out in the world. I know more of what it is to pay your own bills, buy your own groceries, and plan your life without mommy there to back you up and do your laundry. Not saying it makes me more qualified than Michael to be married, not at all. Just I know this stuff from experience and he just doesn't. His first time needing to buy his own groceries for his own place will be with me. I will be doing his laundry (guys have it so easy) and I will make his food not his mom anymore. Will he turn to me when he has a problem or go to his dad? Will he trust me to know things? I do trust him, but not as much as I should. 

I just don't want it to be a marriage of Michael, Me, and his parents (or my parents). Just the two of us is really enough. But how do we transition there? I have been trying to figure it out. 

The one other thing I worry about is that I really feel as though the Lord has called me to missions. I want to go so bad and feel so wasted here. My heart hurts for the people here, but even moreso for people in South America. Last year I took a class that studied South America and I have never felt so pulled somewhere in my life. I wanted to rush to Argentina and preach the gospel. I don't know how to handle it. Will I always be here wishing I was somewhere else?

Oh well...thats me with the big stupid sign. 

Sunday, January 4, 2009


Wedding frustration.
I hate planning. Why can't it just spontaneously happen with nobody getting offended or giving me their two sense of how they think it should be. 

Friday, January 2, 2009

My fiance.

He is gone for the week. He left at 9:15 tonight and will be gone until next Saturday! Him and all his boys (which actually are all his groomsmen, he says its his early pre-bachelor party, he needs a couple to get warmed up for the big are going to Park City Utah for the week for some extreme skiing. My little brother went too. I am so worried Michael is going to get hurt! What if he smashes his head or cracks his neck doing some cork 3 or something. I worry to much.

Before he left I couldn't help but cry while he hugged me. He sat there with his arms around me for about five minutes and then when the time came that the Armada was pulling out he said "Oh no...this is it." and gave me a big hug and held on for a long time. He smells good now, like Tim McGraw cologne. He kissed me on the cheek and said "I love you" as he hugged me and then that was it. He got in his car and left. It's only a week but to me its a long time. He's gone...thats all that matters. I won't get a hug or smell his skin or have him play with the ring on my finger as we sit and do nothing. 

Ahh dang...I miss him already.