I don't really know how to explain or what to explain because who knows who reads this blog, but basically, everything tends to stink. Friends become enemies, enemies make life miserable, friends become family and soon enough family always fights. Enemies go back to being friends and so on and so forth. The circle of life. The explain it in the Lion King. But in that movie when they fight people get killed or driven into the jungle, a much more desirable effect than what happens here. Here instead of death and fleeing for safety there are words spoken in secret, passed along from ear to ear until they meet the ones they were never supposed too.
There are people so in love that they don't know how to handle it, people who say stupid things all the time. People who don't know how to convey things without letting the world in.
There are people who hold onto a person who loves them even though they don't love them back and are scared of commitment just because they don't want to be alone. How could someone really do that? How could you sleep at night knowing you hold someone else's heart in your hands and not cherish that? How could you put a stipulation on someone's love like your career? Choosing a career over someone who truly loves you shows the mindset of the 21st century. Life is short, who knows if there will be a tomorrow for you or me or anyone. Why waste it in a school learning things for a career when you have the option of love. Sure, a career is great. Necessary even. But when it comes down to choosing this or that the choice should be clear. Love doesn't come easy people, the California Raisins have a song that says so. You could be successful and knowledgeable but without love, who cares.
I am glad Michael holds my heart. And that he loves me back.
Tell me why is it so hard to trust? I guess ducks don't have to be in a row but I really like mine to be at least organized. Color coded maybe...but anyways it just seems like taking a blind leap is far to risky. I want to know I have a place to live, to know I will have a job and food and not have to sleep in a tent. The Lord can handle all this and more yet I can't trust. He has given me Michael to rely on and put my trust in yet I can't trust.
The one thing I worry about...wait ok there are two things I worry about. One and firstly is that Michael and I will not trust each other. I will rely on my dad in trouble and he will fall back on his parents. I have had more time out in the world. I know more of what it is to pay your own bills, buy your own groceries, and plan your life without mommy there to back you up and do your laundry. Not saying it makes me more qualified than Michael to be married, not at all. Just I know this stuff from experience and he just doesn't. His first time needing to buy his own groceries for his own place will be with me. I will be doing his laundry (guys have it so easy) and I will make his food not his mom anymore. Will he turn to me when he has a problem or go to his dad? Will he trust me to know things? I do trust him, but not as much as I should.
I just don't want it to be a marriage of Michael, Me, and his parents (or my parents). Just the two of us is really enough. But how do we transition there? I have been trying to figure it out.
The one other thing I worry about is that I really feel as though the Lord has called me to missions. I want to go so bad and feel so wasted here. My heart hurts for the people here, but even moreso for people in South America. Last year I took a class that studied South America and I have never felt so pulled somewhere in my life. I wanted to rush to Argentina and preach the gospel. I don't know how to handle it. Will I always be here wishing I was somewhere else?
Oh well...thats me with the big stupid sign.