I don't really know how to explain or what to explain because who knows who reads this blog, but basically, everything tends to stink. Friends become enemies, enemies make life miserable, friends become family and soon enough family always fights. Enemies go back to being friends and so on and so forth. The circle of life. The explain it in the Lion King. But in that movie when they fight people get killed or driven into the jungle, a much more desirable effect than what happens here. Here instead of death and fleeing for safety there are words spoken in secret, passed along from ear to ear until they meet the ones they were never supposed too.
There are people so in love that they don't know how to handle it, people who say stupid things all the time. People who don't know how to convey things without letting the world in.
There are people who hold onto a person who loves them even though they don't love them back and are scared of commitment just because they don't want to be alone. How could someone really do that? How could you sleep at night knowing you hold someone else's heart in your hands and not cherish that? How could you put a stipulation on someone's love like your career? Choosing a career over someone who truly loves you shows the mindset of the 21st century. Life is short, who knows if there will be a tomorrow for you or me or anyone. Why waste it in a school learning things for a career when you have the option of love. Sure, a career is great. Necessary even. But when it comes down to choosing this or that the choice should be clear. Love doesn't come easy people, the California Raisins have a song that says so. You could be successful and knowledgeable but without love, who cares.
I am glad Michael holds my heart. And that he loves me back.
Tell me why is it so hard to trust? I guess ducks don't have to be in a row but I really like mine to be at least organized. Color coded maybe...but anyways it just seems like taking a blind leap is far to risky. I want to know I have a place to live, to know I will have a job and food and not have to sleep in a tent. The Lord can handle all this and more yet I can't trust. He has given me Michael to rely on and put my trust in yet I can't trust.
The one thing I worry about...wait ok there are two things I worry about. One and firstly is that Michael and I will not trust each other. I will rely on my dad in trouble and he will fall back on his parents. I have had more time out in the world. I know more of what it is to pay your own bills, buy your own groceries, and plan your life without mommy there to back you up and do your laundry. Not saying it makes me more qualified than Michael to be married, not at all. Just I know this stuff from experience and he just doesn't. His first time needing to buy his own groceries for his own place will be with me. I will be doing his laundry (guys have it so easy) and I will make his food not his mom anymore. Will he turn to me when he has a problem or go to his dad? Will he trust me to know things? I do trust him, but not as much as I should.
I just don't want it to be a marriage of Michael, Me, and his parents (or my parents). Just the two of us is really enough. But how do we transition there? I have been trying to figure it out.
The one other thing I worry about is that I really feel as though the Lord has called me to missions. I want to go so bad and feel so wasted here. My heart hurts for the people here, but even moreso for people in South America. Last year I took a class that studied South America and I have never felt so pulled somewhere in my life. I wanted to rush to Argentina and preach the gospel. I don't know how to handle it. Will I always be here wishing I was somewhere else?
Oh well...thats me with the big stupid sign.
4 comments:
Hmmm, first you quote the timeless wisdom of the raisins about the nobility of choosing love over careers, and yet the next paragraph is about the desire for financial stability, and the final about the desire to find meaning in vocation conflicting with the call of love.
But then again, you never claimed to be consistent.
I definitely feel your angst about the in-law issue. I wanted and want with a passion Brandy & I's marriage to be "US", not "us plus". It's all worked out great now, although there were definite difficulties in the outset, hard conversations and hurt feelings. It makes it easier that I'm a virtual orphan so we only had to deal with it on one side.
Well there is the "timeless" problem of wanting your cake and eating it too.
I guess it boils down to this:
I want Michael, if he comes with a doctor career and the years of school it takes to get there, ok. I can deal. I can support. But I would be just as happy (if not more because he would at least be around) if he were not in college, going into a trade and our financial stability was just month by month. Not ever having huge chunk of money in savings but being able to survive. I just want him near more.
I still want to be a missionary, I am figuring that one out. I can do that here too I suppose, he and I haven't discussed it at length yet.
And in laws, I love em. They are great people for real, but I do want our marriage to be ours alone! My parents included!
Okay - so in my experience as a newlywed (which I still think I'm considered)... I will pass along what small teenie hardly considerable piece of wisdom I have, but only if you want it. If not, I will NOT be offended if you delete or don't read this. I can take it. I'm a big girl. :-)
It takes time. I know that's now what you want to hear, but it's the truth and I'd hate to just sweeten it up for you. Kyle and I were in a similar situation. You really do kind've leap into it naturally, but as for going to each other with your problems, instead of your parents, that takes time. Not as much as you'd think, but it does. You guys are basically re-writing the past 20-something years of default in your life! That is NO small task, and if you ask me - that is why the first year of marriage is so difficult. People tell you that and you think "whatever... they must have an awful marriage, or something" but it's not what you think. The first year is the hardest because you are taking TWO FULL lives and shoving and tucking and snipping and forcing ALL of both of them into ONE small hole of the same size. You are both PERFECTLY fine living your lives as independant people, but when you start shoving those two independent lives into one single combined life that is no bigger in size, it hurts. You will do it together, and you will hurt together. But the coolest part of it? You will GROW together because of it.
I'm hoping that this isn't depressing you but giving you hope instead. It won't be an easy change, but you've GOT to start re-writing your defaults now. BEFORE the big day. Because there's a LOT more to re-write than you think. Default is to make a decision based on what you already know. But reality in marriage is that even if you "know" the information from both aspects in order to make the decision, you STILL have to talk to the other person about it. Even the silly stuff. Default is to call your best friend when you've had a rough day... but that best friend should be him. Default is to call your best friend when you and Michael have a fight... or your mom or sister or whoever. But THAT default has GOT GOT GOT to change. Because there will be times when it's okay to go outside of the marriage for advice from those who've been there, but that should be a LAST resort type of thing and only a very few select people shoudl EVER be approached for those situations, because what happens in your marriage and between the two of you will be pivital to your growth as a couple.
Wow - I wrote a LOT more than I meant to, but you can write me, if you wanna... I can give you more advice and even examples if you want. For real... I've got LOADS of examples from over the past year+. Of both good AND bad ways to handle situations. Ha.
No one gets it right immediately, so don't feel like you're crazy. And as for being a missionary - if God truly is calling you to that he will, in his OWN timing, bring that to Michael and you will BOTH have been called there. He doesn't bring two people together to then tear them apart for separate purposes. I don't believe that at all, becuase he's making you "one" and you can't have "One" in two different places, right??
Right.
PS: Have you ever thought that since you are in similar fields, that maybe you'll be using THOSE skills and abilities in missions? But that it takes school and additional learning to get to that point? If God says he wants you there, then you'll get there. And though your desire is great NOW, his TIMING may mean later.
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