This love is only a recent development, mind you.
I have always been embarrassed by love. As you can read below, the perception of myself does not leave room that anyone could truly love me for me. They must be tainted in some way. I know myself to well to be able to say that anyone could love the real me.
And so whenever someone has professed this romantic feeling, (and alas, more than one has and I have not believed any of them) I shy away. How could someone love this face? With the body? Have they seen my stomach? And hips? And how my hair is always a shoddy mess? Have they seen how I am? Sure I can play music, make art and do many mundane tasks that people mistake for talent, yet in my character in my physique they surely must be missing something.
It was brought to me after wednesdays sermon that my Love loves me. Not just anyone....me.
He has seen every disgusting thought, every wrinkle, fat, messy, stupid and cretinous thing I have done and yet He chooses me, and He loves me. He takes me in His arms and says that I am pure. Pure! Do you understand that? He has seen everything...everything! There is so much bad there! My thoughts if laid out for the world to see would be the death of me the shame would be so great and yet He has seen them and says 'I don't care, I love you and you are pure'.
Oh thank you Jesus for shedding your blood for me that I could be pure for my Love!
I see now that I needn't be embarrassed when I go to Him. Because He has seen my bulging little stomach, my love handles, my messy hair, my horrid makeup, and He doesn't care. He looks at me and still loves ME!
How? I don't know, but because of this simple thing I know that I truly serve a Great God!
I know that a man would need to be blind to see past myself and love me the way that God does. And so maybe I will never marry. Maybe. God knows. He knows if He will share this Love with an earthly man for me.
No matter. I still want to be beautiful, but my Love will love me even if I never am.