Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Incredulous Truth

My personal quandaries are many, do not trouble yourself to take them on. Yet, I believe no one reads these flummeries of a disquieted mind. And so I am free to speak at liberty without regard to offense and without feeling as if I have given away too much.
Now we come to the pinnacle of the human plight, or rather, my plight. You see, I had this startling realization today that I am not at all who I am perceived to be. How can I know how others perceive me? Oh, it is only something acquired through observation. Through reaction. Newton first discovered it in 1687, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. However, I daresay that even this brilliant man did not realize the social ramifications of his discovery.

You see, either the world is tainted by association or extremely dishonest. I would grant them either, as both or not loftily attained.

For instance: I am not trying to be vain or self deprecating when I say this, but my family and friends tell me I am beautiful. Yet the world, does not. So whom am I to believe? The majority of civilization or those who are as I said tainted by association? Same with body type. My family and friends say that I am fine, and yet the world and images of 'perfection' drive me towards a goal I know is unattainable in my God given form. I will never be a waif (nor do I desire to be), I will never be a super-model (thankfully so). Yet, I would like to think that I am beautiful because I am and not just because those who know me think so.

For instance (although I have particularly and uncommonly beautiful friends...)there are some whom I think are beautiful, not necessarily because they stop traffic but because I think they are beautiful. Similar to how they probably view me. When I take a step back and piece together their frame, it is not what I see when I originally assess them. Why? I do have friends, such as Rebekah, who are beautiful no matter whose eyes they shine in. Is it to much to want to be beautiful to everyone?

I have learned that men and women alike are intimidated by me. I simply do not understand why. I cannot escape it! I am I that menacing? What is it about my person that does carry on so? At bible college I learned from one brave male friend that many of the guys avoided speaking with me or even eye contact because they were afraid of me. How is that so? My friends at home have told me the same.

I just wish that I could be beautiful in form and person. I sincerely wish it. To be of a demeanor the is innocent and inviting, to be of a form that is both striking and beguiling. Not that I want to be a woman who is seductive, I don't think I could ever pull that off. I have never tried, and I thank the Lord that I would fail miserably. He has protected me there.

But to see a man who is worth stopping stopped in their tracks by my face. Oh that day would feel so wonderful. I don't know what is the insatiable notion that I have of this beauty, but I want it. I hate waking up feeling as if I am that woman, and than noticing by the cruelty of the mirror that I am not.

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