Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The present stage of my life.

I have come to realise that life moves in stages, or perhaps in different acts as if it were a play and God the director. In this play, I am the central character, however the story doesn't revolve around me. This story is only a way of showing how amazing the director is. Each step I take on the stage, each word that comes delicately from my mouth is only because the director told me to go there, and to say that.  Each trip or slip of the tongue is only because I think (with no history to back me up) that at times my improvisation would improve the script. Alas (and thank God!) it never does improve, only hinder.

The present act I am in is a hard one to get through, I wish it would close soon. It is titled 'Broken'.

In this act, there are many characters with whom I have an established relationship. Some are family, some are long time friends, some are new friends, some are supposed friends. Each of them somehow is a part of my life, helping to shape each day and form new ideas. Sometimes they give me laughs, but most recently, it has been more tears.

For some reason, this script is one I would rather leave on the shelf. It has to do with people dear to my heart being ripped away and turning their colors. Where we once matched and blended perfectly, we now clash as a painting done by a blind man. In this act, there are some of I have held dearer than all others who with a single phrase, break my heart.

In this act, I am ready to give up.

The audience is quickly losing enthusiasm, none wanting to wait and see if the shrinking character on stage will ever show merit again, show hope again. 

As the seats empty I look out into the dark auditorium that is my past and notice there are only a few left in the stands, only a few I can turn to, only a few who care to see the end. They cling to the hope that the ending will be a happy one, and even if it is not they are there for the show.

I look at the characters on stage with me; they are the present. I don't know what they will do, but this act has been wholly unexpected. 

I have actually never felt so betrayed and...broken. Just plain broken.

I look at the director, He holds the future. He nods at me and smiles, His way of saying get up and continue. I look down at the black floorboards of the stage, as tears stream down my face I remember that every act has an end, and that the play I am in is not a tragedy. No matter what happens in the story, in the end I will be in Paradise, Utopia. 

I don't know how this act will end, but I hope it is over soon. I was in my car crying today and as I was, I started to think: through this pain, can I praise God?
So I started to sing instead. It sounded awful, my voice wavered from the crying and screeched off key but I sang louder. I know the man in the van next to me thought I was crazy but still I sang.
It was not a single song, but here is what it was:

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see.

When I have been there for ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the Sun,

I will have no less days to sing of Your praise,

Then when I first begun.

I will praise God whom all blessing flow, 

Praise Him all you creatures here below,

Praise Him above ye heavenly host,

Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost.

And be thou my vision O Lord of my life

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine

Oh what a foretaste of glory divine

Heir of salvation purchase of God

Born of His spirit, washed in his blood

This is my story this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

This is my story this is my song,

Praising my savior all the day long.

Lord! This is my story, oh that I would praise You all the day long.

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