How it went down :)

For those of you readers who would like a narrative of how the amazing marriage proposal went down, here it is. Needless to say whatever I write down will be nothing more than a poor description of how amazing the night was. He did it perfectly and surprised the socks (not literally...) off of me. 

So I have been on his case lately that he needs to be more romantic...little did I know he has had this planned for weeks. He was probably doing his best to keep from laughing in my face! How could I know he was that amazing? Oh well, I must be a slight bit on the thick headed side.

Anyways. I was on my way home from a horrible day at work. I wanted to go home at 4, my boss Trincy made me stay until 4:30. Little did I know she was in on it. She called home as soon as I left (she is one of my mom's very good friends, they are prayer partners and our families are pretty close) and told them to be ready because I was on my way. Well the family headed out of the house and went to wait at Caribou Coffee while poor Michael paced circles around the house. I was ranting to a close friend on the way home about some stupid emotional stuff and how horrible work was, and when I pulled into the driveway I said "hmm...I wonder why Michael is here?" She said "I don't know, but anyways..." and back to our conversation without another thought as to why he was there. Actually he saw me pull in from inside and then had to wait in their as nervous as could be while I sat in the driveway and finished talking! Poor guy. 

Finally I was almost done with out conversation and was walking in the door when I saw Michael. I quickly said "I gotta go, bye" and hung up on my friend. "How amazing!" I thought, "he is trying to be more romantic since I have been on his case! It's probably going to be a romantic dinner!" That was all I though. Really, the proposal had not hit me yet. I walked in the door shocked as could be when he took my coat and said "If you would like to go change into something more comfortable (I was wearing scrubs) I will prepare the food". I was like...WOAH! He looked great and he had a little table set up with a nice table cloth, candles (all the other lights were off, just candles) and wine glasses out. In the middle of the table was a wooden jewelry box that I really hadn't paid attention to yet. 

I said "Well it will take me awhile to make myself pretty, but I'll go change into something nicer" He said "You already look beautiful" and obviously took my breath away. How he can do that with words, I don't know, but he does. 

So I walked down the hall to my room amazed at my wonderful man and went to put on some nicer clothes. All the time I wasn't think proposal yet, I was thinking romantic dinner. By the time I finished makeup, a slight hair touch up and some nice pants and shirt I was getting nervous. I remember reaching for my shoes and then freezing as I thought "There was a box in the middle of the table...there was a BOX in the middle of the table!" I slightly freaked out. It was starting to enter my mind what this 'dinner' could really be. But then I sat in my wicker chair and slowed myself down "You know this is going to end up being a really nice dinner and you are going to ruin it by expecting something more. It's not going to happen and you are going to psych yourself up and be let down!" So I calmed down and went out to see Michael.

"You look beautiful!" He said as I walked in. I could see the nervousness in his face and was still hopeful yet reserved. He pulled out my chair for me and I took a seat, watching him closely. "You should probably open your christmas present now" he said in a strained voice. He sounded like he was forcing every word to leave his lips, he must have been so nervous. I reached for the box and it was beautiful! It was made out of wood the was milled at his dad's sawmill. On the top of the box he has engraved a heart with M+M in the middle (Michael and Melody). Inside there were green and white M&M's but I didn't notice how special they were yet. All I saw was a diamond sparkling up at me from the middle of the box. He took the ring and took my hand and went down on one knee. His speech was to precious to me to reveal all of it but I will summarize with a brief excerpt:

"Melody, I love you so much more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You are everything to me and I want to be with you forever! Please, would you marry me?"

Then he started to untie the little bow that was tied around the ring, but it got stuck! He fumbled with it for awhile and I said "There is a scissors over there if you need it" he got up off of one knee and went and cut the ribbon, came back over, went down again, and slid the ring on my finger as he finished his beautiful speech. I didn't cry only because I couldn't do anything but look at him and be happy. I can't explain the feeling that came over me when he put that ring on my finger. How happy I was, how much I loved him, and how sure I was that we were going to be together forever. 

I stood up and threw my arms around his neck and wouldn't let go. I tried to but then I couldn't because he was holding me too. It was the best moment of my life so far! We stood there for a minute in silence while my eyes got misty with tears, quietly holding the man that I love.

"We should go to Caribou!" I said after a minute. "Your not hungry either huh?" he said and took my hand and we got our coats on and left. I was giddy the whole way to Caribou, I bet he doesn't remember any of it! We got there and I saw a girl who I have met a couple of times and showed her my amazing ring and she smiled big and we went up to see my parents and brother. As soon as I saw my mom I grabbed her in a hug and started crying. How could I not? My mommy was there to see me minutes after I found out I was going to marry the most amazing man in the world! 

I should mention in here too that after he put the ring on my finger I noticed the M&M's. He had special ordered them for me! Some said  "I luv you Melody" and others said "Will you marry me?" The reasoning behind the M&M's is this: weeks ago I told him that at our wedding reception we should give out M&M's because of us being Michael and Melody. He just laughed at the time but now I know he was listening. And he remembered. 

Well we went back to the house where everyone was meeting for an engagement party and we had an awesome night. All of my close friends came over and we partied it up, looked at wedding dresses, talked about colors, and talked about general wedding stuff. It was amazing! 

I am excited about the wedding, but I am more excited to spend the rest of my life with Michael. I love him so much! He makes my heart skip a beat. While writing this my stomach had butterflies just remembering his proposal, the look on his face, the tone of his voice, how he hugged me. It was amazing. I love that man.

Soon my dear friends, but not soon enough, I will be Mrs. Melody C. Haege, the wife of Michael :)

So...

I'm engaged :)

Tell me...

So my blogging friends I would like you to tell me what you think is true romance. After reading (yes again I refer to these books...) the circle trilogy and the feelings therein I get a little sad and a little jealous to think of how strongly the main character Thomas feels for Chelise, his love interest. Judah when you see Brandy do you feel of that? Or is that just literary jargon? Beth when you see Kevin does your heart "skip a beat" so to say? I want to know if all the things that I hope for are just nonsense that some author came up with or if they are real. So tell me!

What do you think is true romance?

How to woo a woman...

My mom and I talked tonight about how to woo a woman. And no offense men, but I think you are all clueless. From stories of my dad to how Kevin was with Beth and now my experiences with Michael, all have continuity. I just reread the circle trilogy and it talks so much about wooing and goes into how Thomas is so taken with Rachelle that her every movement takes his breath away. I sighed a lot during this book. It was a whimsical "what if" type of sigh that ended with a "probably not" type of sigh. I guess the romance between Thomas and Rachelle is a little much to ask for. 

But for any guys who read this, of whom I think there is only Judah and possibly Andrew, take note. However since both of you are married don't take to much note but pass on the wisdom to some fool you stumble upon who is losing the game of love. These are my personal opinions mixed with what I have gleaned from other women, and since I am a woman I figure I have good insight into the matter. 

1. Women want to be pursued! We want to know that you want us, not just that we are the first ones to want you. We want to be sought after like the good deal you wanted to get on your car. I think of when Kevin bought his truck recently. He didn't just go buy a truck because he thought it was pretty and he liked the way it felt and drove. Those were contributing factors but he bought it (and anyone who knows Kevin can attest to this: he is meticulous) because he researched it, looked into and studied it until he thought it was worth not only his money but his time. Now that he bought it he doesn't throw it into the corner of the parking lot and forget about it, he still cares for it by putting gas into, washing it when it is dirty, not beating it up etc. He probably cares even more now than he did before he bought it because now it belongs to him. 

I suppose that is a mirror of a woman. We want to be pursued and studied until you are ready to commit. The caring does not stop there however it just begins. Its when you start to treasure us because we are now yours. Not just any man could get what you got and have to treat it that way. 

2. Women want to feel, not just know, that they are protected by you. I always love it when Michael looks strong. I love it when I know he could beat up the other guys in the room, even though I know he wouldn't, I love knowing he can. I love it when he flexes his muscles because I like knowing that I have a strong man. I like knowing that I can feel safe with him. I also would like it if he were more jealous with me. Jealousy is a trait portrayed by God in His love for us and so I think it is a good trait to be portrayed by us in our earthly relationships. When another guy is getting to close or paying to many compliments I want Michael to walk up to me and put his arm around me as if to say "She's mine, back off". He doesn't really pick up on that stuff yet but he will someday. 

3. We want to feel treasured. Sometimes I just want to know that Michael adores me. He doesn't say stuff like that and has a hard time showing it but I want to know. I get these little pieces of doubt in my mind, especially if I haven't seen him in a few days or if I have seen him and he hasn't hugged me or told me I looked pretty or something. I start thinking he doesn't like me anymore. I know its stupid but its true. I want an everyday reassurance that he loves me (which he can't bring himself to say out loud yet though I know its true!). Whether in word or deed I want it! I want to know that besides the Lord his relationship with my is the foremost in his life. That he just wants to be in the same room as me like I do for him. I just want to be near him all of the time. I just want to breathe the same air and look at his face and feel his hands. I always want to wrap my arms around him and just stand there forever but I think he would get tired of that after a day or two. I would like to KNOW that he feels the same about me. 

I was reading the word today and I was flipping to Proverbs (a proverb a day keeps the devil away!) and I noticed in Song of Solomon a bolded title that said "The Beloved to his Beloved" and it was just paragraph upon paragraph of him lavishing compliments upon his beloved. Sure I don't want Michael to say my teeth are like a flock of goats but to know that he feels extravagantly for me would be amazing!

A small note to say "I'm thinking of you" or a phone call to check up on us, a rose every now and then, a random romantic surprise, those are the little things that make a girl feel treasured. 

The things that make a girl feel adored, well for me it would be this:

when your talking and he reaches up his hand to brush the hair out of your face so he can see your eyes. When he walks up and puts his hand on your back just to say "I'm here". When he brings up a cup of coffee when he gets up to get something. When he walks around the car in the cold just to be a gentleman and open your door. When he sees you shivering and puts his arm around you. When he reaches for your hand every time you pray, whether in church or at a restaurant. Those little things would make me feel adored! 

4. We want to love you back, so let us! I always want to do something like cook for Michael. Or make him something, or anything that could show him I love him. Support him in any way possible, do what he wants to do even when I want to do something else. Respect him, let him know I think he strong, that kind of thing. I hope he knows how much I love him! I try to show it, and if you have any helpful hints guys, let me know. 

5. We put a lot of time into making ourselves look pretty for you, why can't you do the same? I don't dress up all the time for everything, just when Michael is going to be around. I want him to see that I want to look beautiful for him. I take not of every style he says he likes and try to wear that. I bought the perfume he said he liked. I remember every hair style he said he liked and now try to do something similar when I see him. I let him see the me that isn't dressed up quite often, but for the most part I try to look pretty. Just like me loving to show the girls that my man is strong and handsome I want him to be able to be proud of how pretty I can look. 

But he hasn't quite got this memo yet...he won't do his hair for me! Its not hard, a simple task that could take an extra five minutes of the day if you count the commute from the basement to the upstairs bathroom with a stop for a snack in the kitchen.  I love the way he looks but he is younger than me and you can tell. When he does his hair not only does he looks very handsome but he looks older! And I like that! So when I see him and his hair isn't done I always want to fix it but I know it will annoy him so I only do it about 1/5 of the time I would like too. Hopefully someday he will see. I have threatened to stop dressing up for him and leaving my hair the way it is when I roll out of bed but to no avail. He says he doesn't care but I know he would if he saw it happen!

6. Be spontaneous. Do something you wouldn't normally do just to show a girl she is special and you will go to extreme measures including out of your comfort zone to show her you care :)

7. Love the Lord with all your heart. I love this about Michael. Probably the thing I love most: he loves the Lord with all of his heart. He shows it all the time. He is tender to the hurting and strong in his faith. He knows the word and he loves to serve. This is why I choose him, and why we will always stay together. We have a good foundation!

It tis late and I need to sleep now. This is a loooong blog and probably not helpful to any but me, it helped me to write it. So I guess that good then huh? 

Shalom my friends.

Hmm.

I want to SCREAM. Ever just want to say and do things that are not socially acceptable in nearly any setting? Such as scream when feeling anger?

Well I do!

AHHHHHH

Righteousness over Revenge.

I was talking to a friend who I look up to as a strong sister in the Lord tonight and she gave me this: righteousness over revenge. She reminded me that sin can come in many forms and for me lately it has been coming as revenge. Not as in killing the guys who took my family's honor but as in the sneaky I want to wave this in your face so you feel my pain revenge. I used to want to storm into the guys who fired my dad and wave my college bill in front of their face and tell them thanks for the fact that my dad could not afford this anymore and then leave them with the guilt. Now I realize its not ever that my dad could or could not afford anything, it was whether the Lord was providing in this area or not. The Lord provided for my dad through the nuclear plant until He saw it fit to move on and stretch our faith. How dare I wave that in the face of an unbeliever to illicit pity? 

Of late my thoughts of revenge have been more personal. Its a not a getting back at people for wrongs done but wanting people to feel sorry for what they have done. Like at work I want this lady to see me with the children and how much they love me and then for her to feel sorry for the way she treated me. Others on a broader scale but mostly like that. 

My friend told me to "rise above". To recognize that my thoughts in that direction are sin and I need to let that go. It so hard but I am trying. The Lord has blessed me with Michael, with an amazing family, and with so much more. How could I not be thankful enough and loved enough to glory in that instead of glorying in the thoughts of revenge?

I'm sorry to my Lord for this sin in my life, and sorry to whomever I have thought or desired ill upon. My only goal is to emulate my Savior and that was a very poor imitation. I will try harder to strive for righteousness over revenge!

An early morning blog.

Or a late night blog. Both are somewhat true. I haven't yet gone to sleep so I suppose it would be a late night blog. 

Anyways. So tonight I rallied the troops and we all got together for around the world ping pong at church, egyptian roadkill, president, and to end it all some great games of mafia. Seriously, tonight was fun. We also had pizza and Mt. Dew :)

Although I enjoy these times of just getting together and laughing and having a good time I really wish that we did more. I feel as though we are a bunch of young lives that have a lot of potential but we waste it every weekend by just hanging out and having a good time. I don't know what I am waiting for really, but it is something big. Maybe my next big step towards the call God has placed on my life is becoming Michael's wife. 

I keep wondering...what if the ultimate call God has placed on my life is not to be a police officer, a paramedic, a nurse, and on the SWAT team. What if I need to give up those things, those dreams I have held on to for so long and surrender to another plan? Not necessarily a bad or lesser plan but just a different one? What if the Lord has called me to be Michael's wife. His support. A good mother who raises Godly children. Can I settle with that ultimate goal? Can I do more than settle? Can I rejoice in the awesomeness of the Lord through that? I think I can. I have to learn to let go of my pride. My pride says that I need my degree to amount to something. It says that I need to get a good job and have an earthly title. My flesh screams for it. The Word of the Lord contradicts it however. 

The Bible says to not seek earthly titles. They only "puff up" the flesh. So now I am really struggling with this. I have some of the more liberal christians out there who tell me "Oh you don't have to give up your dreams! You can still do those things and be Michael's wife!" I know this but really and truly if I go biblically, a wife stays at home. Raises her children and supports her husband. The only time a woman steps up is when there are no men to do the job. Like Deborah in Judges. She had to step in to fill the gap because there were no righteous men around. Now we can look at this and say that in the modern world it doesn't apply. Life is so different now. Does this go across the board or just for this though? Are we also supposed to not follow whatever examples seem "outdated" in the Word? 

I'm not saying that I am going to be a stay at home mom and not do anything but raise my kids for my whole life. I don't know what I will do! I am just sharing what has been going through my mind lately. I want to be obedient to the Lord and He is showing me these little tidbits the more I seek Him. The more I seek Him I come to see this path as a blessing not a curse. I am excited someday to stay at home with my kids. It is a high calling. 

I am still working out in my head and my heart the surrendering part. It is hard for me to grasp but if I can't surrender this part of my life and say "Lord, take it" then what am I? A sorry christian thats for sure. I need to surrender every single part of my life and that means even the parts I have planned and be willing for the Lord to change them. I think I am willing. I hope I am willing. 

I am excited to someday marry Michael. He hasn't quite got the memo yet but I am crazy about this guy! I know it may be a long time before it happens but I am so ready and waiting. 

Later dudes I need some sleep!

Why would a christian vote for Obama?

Forreal. Look what he stands for! 

He has proposed a bill that will increase abortion by an alarming number:

(from a news website: http://www.lifenews.com/nat4359.html )

With so much attention on the economy, one area of federal legislation that can be overlooked is abortion. An old and dangerous bill that will increase abortions by an enormous amount is being resurrected by abortion advocates: the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). H.R. 1964 and S.1173...

The U.S. Census Bureau gives us projections for 2009 of females age 15-44 in each of these states. Then it’s a simple matter of cross-referencing the number of women of childbearing age in each state with each abortion restriction, and applying Dr. New’s ratio. The grand total number of abortions reduced by these laws is 124,947.6, per year.

Even with this minimum, that’s 125,000 children that were not killed this year because we have these laws, and 125,000 children (added to the existing 1.3 million abortions) who will be killed in 2009 and every year after if FOCA is passed. FOCA is indeed a staggering expansion of abortion, both in principle and in actual lives lost.

How could a christian knowingly support the murder of so many babies you ask? 

The answer is: I don't know. 

If someone can not hold life as sacred and a better thing to vote on than our economy or gay marriage? It makes me so sad! I work all day with children. I look down at the babies I hold and wonder how someone could supported shoving a pair of scissors into their head and mashing their brains and then calling it being "pro choice". Women should have the right to choose. Choose salvation or hell. Just like everyone else. And killing your child for the sake of your own personal freedom and financial security should be a capital offense.

Caribou. Again.

I realized while typing that title that I have already titled a blog "Caribou". I must spend to much time here! Anyways...

I am here tonight doing sound techy stuff for a concert by the lovely Anna Hoffbeck. She is quite good. I think she is only 15 so in a few years she will probably be amazing. Keep your eye out for this one, she has a lot of potential. 

Oh and I am doing a concert December 12th at 7pm. Come on over if you have a chance cause it is going to be fun! I am kind of excited. Actually I just walked downstairs to get a drink and the barista (who knows my name, funny) asked me if I ever wanted to do another concert here. I said  "sure!" and she handed me the calender and I signed on the line. Good stuff. I have a lot of new songs that I am stoked about introducing too.

In other news, I have Bronchitis. I thought it was just a little cold that was going to go away but alas, my mother sent me to the doctor and it is bronchitis. My doctor is pretty cool, she makes me want to finish school. lol, I was going to finish anyways but she gave me some inspiration. And she asked me some interesting questions that I only answered with "Well I'll call you when I get married and that applies!" She laughed and then said "Well is that a possibility?" I was like.....uh.....then I started thinking and said "Yes it is a distinct possibility, I just think it will take him awhile to get the nerve to ask me." She looked surprised and happy, she has known me for a long time. She said to let me know when it happens because she was interested when I told her I was his first girlfriend and that he almost died the first time he tried to hold my hand. She laughed wide eyed at that one. 

I think it will be a long time before he gets the nerve to ask me. Hopefully it won't because of every man I have and I think I ever will meet he is the best. I can't see myself with anyone else and I just want to be with him.

So today at work this little boy who is my favorite, Tayeshawn, started to become quite attached to me. He has been growing this way for awhile but today it hit a climax. When I entered the room he ran from the other side of the room and yelled "Ama ama!" that is what he calls me, and jumped at me and latched onto my legs. So obviously I picked him up and held him for awhile. Then he pitched a fit every time he saw me because I wouldn't stop and pick him up. It tore my heart up! I just wanted to stop and hold him and make him stop crying but he is in the toddler room and I work in the preschool room. It was sad. So every time I passed by he would hold out his chubby little arms and cry for me.

Anyways. Its nice to be loved, its nice to be the only person who can make him stop crying and the only one that he wants to hold him.

Michael is still gone, and I can't talk to him.

Sad life.

Hmmmm....

A horrible thought creeped into my head today.

What if Michael does not love me the way I do him?

Ah!

Ok...breathe. I would think he does but I am so good at second guessing myself. If I don't get a text that says something nice I worry. If he doesn't call when I would hope he would I worry. He doesn't remember to do the little sweet things I so long for and it makes me think that maybe he does not feel as strongly as I do! That would be horrible!

Maybe while he is gone this week he will come up with some amazing little sweet thing to do for me when he gets home that will make me know that he loves me. But...well its the little things right. And since Sarah like number points I will do some on the little things that make me know he loves me:

#1-He is so nervous to hold my hand or hug me wrong that sometimes I can tell he is thinking each movement through while he does it. 

#2-His compliments are so genuine and most definitely not scripted, which makes it way cute. 

#3-The way he looks at me.

#4-He always wants to look strong in front of me. I love it.

#5-He tries so hard to do his hair the way he thinks I will like it. He practices.

#6-He had his mom go shopping with him to find good clothes he thought I would like.

#7-The way he puts his arm around me at church.

#8-How he always holds my hand when we pray. It is like our special time.

There are more...but right now that is what I thought of. He is my special amazing dude. Yah, I know, I have become cheesy. Oh well! 

In other news...I am cold. It is positively freezing outside! My Rabbit does not do to well in the cold, she sputters a bit and spits a big cloud of black from the exhaust. I bet I look classy in her! Well I must sleep!

Bonne Nuit!

No!

Well he gave me a hug goodbye tonight and now I won't see him for a week. I was sad! He couldn't even stay late because he has a big test tomorrow that he needs to study for! Talk about rough. I mean its just a week...

Oh well I suppose I will have to get used to it eventually. A week isn't to long but its a week without him having phone reception and no email or anything. So it will be a cold turkey week! When he gets back I am going to do a happy dance. And yes Sarah, I "like" him a lot. In fact, I love the guy. He is just so shy and reserved that he has not told me in words yet, although in actions he has loved me for a long time. And no mom, it didn't hurt. It was easy. Every other relationship I had to try to fall in love and it never worked. With Michael I was just around him and then all of a sudden he had me. I couldn't do anything about it! The Lord has been so good to me to give me the desires of my heart through Michael. 

Anyways...I have to go to bed and think about the fact that I will be ALONE (well just without Michael) for the next week. 

Sad life!

Sitting waiting wishing.

Well, how so much can transpire in merely days I do not know. And yet no day stands apart in my mind as being significant above another. This life is so strange. 

Michael is leaving Thursday and I won't see him for 6 days. Its strange because it will be the longest we have gone without seeing each other since we started dating in August! Now I don't like to dredge up the past but I have too. When I dated Caleb we had about 1/3 of our relationship (all in all I think it was about 4 months long and we saw each other for 2.5 months) long distance. 2000 miles long distance, and yet I was fine. Sure it was hard because after our talks there was no hug and no anything special to say goodbye with other than "Goodbye", but when our relationship ended I was happy that we had been apart and that I could step back and realize how much we so definitely did not fit together. Even when he was here I longed for alone time and wished he could find friends so I could have girl time or anytime! Not saying he is a bad guy, just not right for me. This is all a precurser to be able to say that I am really dreading Michael going away for only a few days. Honestly, I usually like it when people leave. I like having alone time and not entertaining people or pushing activities and conversation so this is a new emotion for me. Its hard! I almost think it would be easier if he were going far away for a long time then going 200 miles away for a short time. There is a certain mysterious romance in a long distance...a constant looking forward to the next meeting and every cherished conversation. Yet, when someone travels not too far and for not too long, one looks rather stupid to be down about it. 

So over all here is my conclusion: 

#1-Long distance relationships are hard yes...but I kind of miss the mystery of it.

#2-Short term long distance sucks.

#3-Michael is the most amazing man EVER!

#4-I don't know why I made number points but I wanted too.

I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that I absolutely adore Michael. I guess its a good thing, but seriously, I am not used to falling for someone. After the men (and don't take this as an arrogant thing, more of a thing said in the way Jane from "Becoming Jane" screams "Aren't there any other women in Hartfordshire!" esque) who have fallen for me, and there have been far too many which shows that men are somewhat out of their minds these days, I feel almost silly for falling for one of their kind! Nevertheless he has bewitched me body and soul. Hopefully he feels the same! 

Oh and I got my wishes in him!

(more number points...in no particular order other than the first one)

#1-He is a Godly man

#2-He is a manly man! (I really can't stand girly drama queen men! Michael is a man's man, steak, potatoes, and a gun.)

#3-He likes to look nice, but doesn't obsess over it.

#4-We have good conversation.

#5-He is active and has hobbies beyond me, us, and our future! (This has been a problem in the past, I can't stand tunnel vision because then when the path widens they don't know what to do!)

#6-He is a strong man.

#7-I have never seen him lose a fight, and even though his younger brother is taller and looks stronger, he can't beat Michael in anything (except for running, but Michael sprained his ankle in a car accident last summer...) I love that!

#8-He lets me do his hair.

#9-He feels strongly about politics but he isn't a snob.

#10-He knows how to make things in a woodshop and can do manual labor.

#11-He would be a missionary if he felt the Lord was calling him to it.

#12-I could go on and on but I doubt any of you care.

#13-Number twelve barely even counts as a valid bullet point yet you kept reading?

Anyways. I have to get up early for work tomorrow, and I am sick so I should sleep.

I hope you like my new layout and peace be upon you!

Hurts.

It does.

Thoughts.

I am sitting in the nap room at day care listening to the sounds of little breaths and snores. It is relaxing. 

It has been a rough weekend. A friend died Tuesday and was laid to rest Saturday which was hard. Not so much because the friend was a best buddy but because I am very close to other people who were close to him and it hurts to see my friends cry. It was trying. 

Sunday was bad too. Michael was sick, and I found myself getting mad at him for being sick. I can't explain it, I am a stupid girl. My sister and I are far too alike. There was a square dance on Sunday night and I really really wanted to go. I don't know why, but I really really wanted Michael to go too. Its the stupid little things that get you down. Somehow it got into my head that he didn't want to go, not that he was sick. Oh well, I soon got over that and realized I was being stupid and selfish. 

Holli and I got to talk a lot which was a huge blessing. We never get to talk anymore, and we both have had a lot to talk about recently. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he is a pin head and a fruitcake that doesn't realize when something good hit him in the face. He didn't deserve her anyways. 

Halfway through my conversation with Holli on sunday night, a ghost from my past gave me a call. "Ghost" is always there when things in my mind get sketchy. I don't know why either. Michael couldn't come to the square dance because he was sick and I should have been more understanding. But instead...I got angry and wanted him to come. Then it came into my mind that he just didn't want to come. Then "Ghost" called me. It then came into my mind that "Ghost" had always been romantic and made me feel so beautiful and loved. Then I thought of Michael sitting at home. It was like a tug of war in my head...I wanted to go back to being with Ghost because it was easier and he was so persistent. But in the long run I know Michael is there for me, even if he doesn't think of the little romantic things that Ghost did. Those fade right? 

Michael took me to go see the movie "Fireproof" and it really rang true to me. The wife in that story is drawn away by a doctor who promises romance and excitement. He makes her feel loved and fills that missing piece of emotion in her life. I think guys don't understand just how real that is. All it takes is a moment where we feel (or is it just me?) unloved or unwanted and we want to turn to something that will offer those things. I know Michael cares for me but he doesn't show it, well few and far between. And then Ghost comes calling and offers those things. The excitement, the romance, the thrill of emotion. I know Ghost is not someone I can turn to reliably. He has turned on me so many times and lied to me. I used to want only him but I was lied to far to many times and I let him go. When I let him go a wonderful man, Michael, came into my life within weeks. And things get rocky in my head and lo and behold here comes Ghost. 

I want to be with Michael forever, but I can't live without passion and romance and at least some sort of emotion. I am, as I told my sister, far to much like Maryanne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) to live without passion. It seems like as soon as the promise of emotion is gone I look for it somewhere else. Ladies who read such as Sarah, Elisabeth and Malia, give me some input. Am I alone in getting distracted by things that look romantic and sound promising when the romance is gone from my life? 

I still stand by Michael, he is the one for me. But I hope he gets the memo soon enough that a girl cannot live without emotion. Thanks for reading girls (and possibly Judah) its nice to know people care :)

AR 40-501

Yet another amazing let down. I don't know why but sometimes I torture myself and go back and read that stupid paragraph in chapter 2 part 242.9 of AR 40-501 which is the Army Regulation entrance manual. It says that current or history of hyperthyroidism is DQing. Ugh! You have no idea how this upsets me! I just want to cry because I haven't quite figured out how to explain how badly I want to be in the Army, and so I don't think anyone can really understand how I feel. Yeah, maybe you do I'm not throwing the whole I'm alone in the world pity party, but it sucks. 

Yeah, leave a comment that tells me to get over it. Fine its not like I haven't tried over the past 4.5 years since I first got rejected. Why did I have to be the kid with the stupid friggen thyroid disorder???? It just makes me mad because it makes no sense. I had to be the stupid sick one, and than the one who desperately wanted what I can't have. I get to dress up in my pitiful little CAP uniform every week and play military for awhile when I know I'm not making a difference worth squat. I am just playing it because it is as close as I will ever get. Well I'm sick of this stupid nonsense. 

So yeah, I think I will never get over it. I will be a friggen civilian POG the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Ghosts from my past.

They seem to turn up whenever I need them the least. Like the week Michael asked me out a guy who I had a crush on all through high school and who is four years older than me asked me out. I spent so long dreaming about this guy and he doesn't consider me until I am taken? Huh.

Also, ex boyfriends make life a pill. Why is it people want you the most when you are off limits?

feedback.

I love the feedback from the last blog, it has been more in person feedback as I only have one comment on there. I guess it ruffles some feathers, but I like that. 

Also, I think that Paul Washer is a man who loves God, but I believe much of what he preaches is wrong. That is my final word, and that is my opinion. 

Again, this study "theology" keeps coming up in my life...

Once again, Calvinism has seeped into my life. People who look at God as this cruel handler who made some people only so they could go to hell without a chance at being redeemed. They can believe in that "god" if they want, but he is not the God who created the Earth. The God I believe in is loving, full of grace (which by the way is mention 170 times in scripture) and abounding in mercy. Read Ezekiel 33:11 and tell me how people can believe otherwise!

On the other hand I do understand the God is also to be feared, but not in a cowering in the corner I hope he doesn't hurt me type fear, its an awesome fear. How could he be so great type of fear, I can't explain it. I don't live my life in fear of what the Lord will do to me. I don't worry that He will take away my salvation and I don't worry that he is going to turn His back on me. He has promised otherwise, I do fear sinning and defiling the name He has given me to bear. I do fear what will happen when He has to judge those who aren't ready for it. 

To me, Calvinism goes against the whole flow of New Testament teaching. It substitutes a vengeful, capricious and merciless God, for the loving Father of Jesus's teachings. In order to avoid the need for Good Works, the Gospel has been distorted out of all recognition. Jesus's teachings make little sense under Calvinism, and make no sense at all if we do not have Free Will to act on them. In addition Calvinism has led to..

1. Fatalism. What is the point of evangelising, if it is already decided who is to be saved? Similarly, if a person is starving or in need, God has put him in that position, so there is no need to do anything about it.
2. A Tribal Consciousness. Groups and Nationalities began to see themselves as "Chosen by God". Other peoples, not being so "chosen", could be treated harshly. Calvinist groups are seen as exacerbating divisions in places like Ireland, the USA and South Africa

We can see that the Bible also denies the idea of irresistible grace, showing that our Free Will does affect its action:

2 Cor 6: ¹ As God’s fellow workers we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. (NIV).

The Bible shows clearly that God wants everyone to be saved, and that He has not predestined anyone for damnation.

1 Timothy 2.3-4: This is good, and it is acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour, who desires ALL men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.

2 Peter 3; ⁹ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. (NIV).

1 John 2: ² He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. (NIV).

WHEN WILL IT END? I wish I could give up this fight and just say "you win" but I can't. I won't let it take over people who don't know any better, I think it is a dangerous and stupid doctrine to live a life by and I greatly agree that anyone who tries to teach calvinism to a young believer should have a mill stone tied about his neck and thrown into the sea for causing a young one to stumble.

SO there.

The Bush Doctrine

Charlie Gibson in an interview with VP Candidate Sarah Palin made her seem like an idiot when asking her stance on the Bush Doctrine. First of all, the Bush Doctrine is no one thing. It is a multi-faceted work that has developed throughout the presidency and throughout the Iraq war. It is not fair to Sarah Palin to ask her for her stance on it. It would be like asking me if I agree with the democrats or republicans and wanting a yes no answer. 

Here is something Bush said when addressing West Point seniors in 2002:

"We cannot defend America and our friends by hoping for the best. We cannot put our faith in the word of tyrants, who solemnly sign non-proliferation treaties, and then systemically break them. If we wait for threats to fully materialize, we will have waited too long — Our security will require transforming the military you will lead — a military that must be ready to strike at a moment's notice in any dark corner of the world. And our security will require all Americans to be forward-looking and resolute, to be ready for preemptive action when necessary to defend our liberty and to defend our lives."

How is that a bad doctrine? Please, I would like your input here. 

Why I love America.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"

I have recently been studying the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, and the Bill of Rights and have come to appreciate our government more. Although I don't agree with all of the amendments (event though I love the 2nd one), I am awed by the beauty and obvious faith of the countries founders. 

When I have more time I will write a complete post that shows the components of the Bill of Rights and the Amendments, however right now I need to get going to dinner. 

Some Quotes by Benjamin Franklin:

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

This will be the best security for maintaining our liberties. A nation of well-informed men who have been taught to know and prize the rights which God has given them cannot be enslaved. It is in the religion of ignorance that tyranny begins.

God grant that not only the love of liberty but a thorough knowledge of the rights of man may pervade all the nations of the earth, so that a philosopher may set his foot anywhere on its surface and say: This is my country.

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote

Caribou again!

So I am sitting here at Caribou with Jenny, Jeffrey, Michael, and...yeah me. It's pretty rad to have a free country where we can go and do whatever we want when we want too. I am so thankful for that! We are discussing how ridiculous evolution is and how people actually believe it. Sad. If you discount Genesis you discount pretty much the whole bible. Pray that people don't fall for evolution!

Psalm 37

Well I am sitting here in the Lake City Ambulance waiting for someone to call 911 and give me something to do...in the meantime I will write a blog about what the Lord has been doing in my life recently. I just got off the phone with a wonderful sister that I haven’t spoken with in more than a year. It was so encouraging. She is so sold out to the Lord it makes me want to be that way too. I told her about Michael and the new things in my life and in all of the trouble I feel I have, in speaking about it I noticed how blessed I am. I have a man who loves the Lord and seems to like me too… I have a loving family and church family, I have ministry opportunities like crazy.

I don’t know why it has been upsetting me that doors have been closing in my face. It makes it all so much easier. When a door closes it narrows my way and gives me less opportunity to stray. Last night I was so upset that I didn’t get a job I really wanted, so upset that I couldn’t sleep at all. I was up until after 4am thinking, mind racing wondering why I am such a failure. At about 4 I opened my bible (why I did not do it earlier…?) to Psalm 37 and started to read. I was so blessed. The Lord has a plan for me and it is a perfect plan that can’t happen if every door I push on is open to me. It is so specific to me, I am so honored that He has orchestrated my steps.

Its weird. Things aren’t working out to well for me from the outside looking in. Actually…it is pretty bad. However the Lord has done a work in my heart. I am content right now. I am content to be a girl in a new relationship with a man, content to be falling more in love with my Savior and content to be a ‘nobody’ for the Lord. I know many people don’t think I am a nobody, but it does feel like that is what my earthly credentials have given me. Yet I am ok with that. I don’t know why but right now I feel ok with it. Read Psalm 37 and be encouraged, pray for me too because I want to continue to have the joy of the Lord in my heart.

You know what I think that changing point was for me? Last night I was praying that the Lord would help me not to be fearful and not to be caught up by myself. I realized mid prayer that I am always asking for things from the Lord when I could just go for it and not be fearful and not worry what people think about me. I prayed for boldness. I realized that I just need to be bold. I can pray for it all I want but if I never try to make it happen it won’t, it’s not like praying for boldness will make something inhabit my body like in Men in Black and spit words out of my mouth for me. I pray for it and then I do it. I am in the ambulance listening to my Christian music while people are up front using the profanities they are so accustomed with, it doesn’t bother me in the least but it is a great contrast. They need Christ and I am bringing Him to them.

Yay!

Thanks God.

 

 

College.

I just want to get my degree and be done with it. I want to have a nice job that I like. I want to stop worrying about it. 

I am so sick of looking for colleges and realizing how long it will take me to graduate because I am behind in some things. And I feel like a big loser. I have about 50 credits done right now...but not all of them are transferable. So I could stay at the college in town here and be done with everything in 3 years. BUT I won't get accepted into that program until fall 2009. So that will mean it will have taken me almost 5 years to get my A.S. in nursing. lame. who wants to go around saying they spent the best 5 years of their life at a technical college getting a "2" year degree. yeah thats me...the loser over here.  (btw no one gets done in 2 years...its physically impossible, apparently the fastest ever at my college was 3 years)

I wish I could get a good degree from a good college and I wish I wasn't 21 and that I hadn't already wasted so much freaking time. 

I'm so done with this. I quit because I suck at life. 

September 11

I was driving home from the grocery today when I noticed a flag at half mast. I drove a little more and noticed they were all at half mast. "I wonder why they are lowered?" kept rolling through my mind until I got home and looked at the date. September 11th. Only seven years after the horrible day and the anniversary falls on a numb mind unaware to its coming. Time is an amazing healer of wounds. Now that the day is on my mind however I decided to do the one thing next to prayer that I know to do to try and point a persons mind in the right direction, I am writing a blog. 

First I would like to say a long overdue thank you to the firefighters who ran towards the burning buildings while everyone else was running away. I would like to thank their wives, their children, and thank the Lord for giving them the willingness and fortitude to be heroes. It brings tears to me eyes to think of they who ran into the building knowing they may never come out only hoping to save a life. It also brings tears to my eyes to think of the children who are growing up knowing their daddy is a hero that they will never see again or never even meet face to face. I admire the wives who supported their husbands having a job that they knew could someday require them giving up their life. I could not imagine kissing my loved one goodbye knowing that it might be the last goodbye I get. The worst part I can think of is that wife who sat at home watching the towers burn knowing her husband was running in there to save someone and then watching the building collapse. Sitting in scared anticipation until the dreaded red car pulls up in front of the house with the news that her husband is now a hero forever, but will never come home. That she will never feel his warm body next to her in their bed, could never listen to his breathing, could never hold him or kiss him, and could never tell him how proud she is of his sacrifice.

I also want to thank the firemen for raising the American flag to show that we were not defeated. I remember the first time I saw this picture. I was fourteen, a freshmen in high school, watching the towers burn in choir class. The only time everyone was silent. I remember Mr. Dulak putting his hand to his face and look like he was fighting back tears. Everyone was fighting back tears. I remember watching the towers collapse, and then when the smoke cleared I remember seeing this picture.

Next I would like to say to all those people who are out there protesting the war in Iraq to remember 9/11/01. We were attacked. To protect our people we fought back and justice is being done. My family is willing to put their life on the line. My brother and brother in law, my cousins, my friends are all out there willing to say "Take me so people in my country can live free". Don't ever go out with a little sign that demeans the sacrifice my brother is ready to give. Honor our soldiers. Give them a pat on the back and say thanks, do the same for our firemen and police men (and women). It takes a special person to make a career out of saving lives and putting theirs on the line. 

In closing I would like to remind you to pray for our country and our leaders. Pray for the families who are on the anniversary of losing a loved one. Pray that we would never forget the sacrifice and pray that people would come to know the Lord through the sorrow of remembering. 

Speaks to me...

This song by Brandon Heath really speaks to me. How many people could I daily share the love of Christ with that I don't? How many times do I pass by hindered by my schedule and shyness? I pray that the Lord would give me boldness...and give me His eyes that I would see the sinners so in need of His love. 

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
yeah .. yeah .. yeah .. yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
There’s a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
To ashamed to tell his wife
He’s out of work
He’s buying time
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
yeah .. yeah .. yeah .. yeah

I’ve been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
yeah .. yeah .. yeah .. yeah

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Leaving.

All of the college kids are leaving and its sad. Brette, Daniel, Bekah, its all just no good. Oh well. 

Just...

Learn to let go. I tell myself this but its not working. 

PRAY FOR ME!

I passed my CNA so now I applied for the nursing program, pray I get it! I have one C on my record which puts me down a bit and may ruin me...but pray!

If I don't get that than I am automatically in the criminal justice program and will be done by next may. SO yeah...but I want nursing!

Doldrums.

I have them. I am sick of doing school and working and treading water in life waiting for something to happen. 

I am sick of hoping for love and only getting heartbreak when I realize no one loves me like that who I can truthfully love back. And I am sick of men falling in love with me when I know I could never love them the way they would want me too. 

AH. Lets just say I am sick of it all...

I wish I could live in the solace of my guitar. I wish I could always sleep on the rooftop where all I see is stars, I wish I had someone, I wish I had best friends like I did when I was little and we could giggle all night long about nothing and be happy, I wish relationships didn't change. 

And I wish people didn't die. 

Or lie to me when they say they would change and then they don't when I have put so much hope in them. 

I feel like King David, lamenting over all the things in my life that bring me sorrow...focus Melody focus! Jesus, the one you claim to love is here. He is catching your tears and holding you close when sobs rack your heart! He is telling you not to worry and to focus! To focus on eternity!

Oh my soul be still...or else you will go insane. 

Pictures.

I went out to take some pictures with Brette again today, so enjoy!

And now for more from my beautiful model, Brette VanLoon. I get good practice in picture taking and she makes it easy cause she's pretty dang gorgeous!

So thats it from a little downtown Red Wing sabbatical!

CNA

So I just finished taking a nursing assistant class. Yay for me! 

It was mostly fun, but quite frankly the clinicals were not so great. I made a guy pass out in the EZ lift! AHHHH! But anyways. The class itself was fun, especially the lab portion. I mostly worked with a girl named Amy and we had a blast. I mean what makes quicker friends than practicing placing bedpans and giving partial baths? So even though I have no desire to be an NA, I needed to take the class in order to get into my Nursing Program. 

So now its back to real life after taking two weeks in classes and hanging out in the lab. Oh well!

Movies.

=SPOILER WARNING: This is a note by me about something that has been on my heart for awhile. While I hope the everyone would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in their lives, I am not trying to be that Holy Spirit. Nor am I presenting a sermon. Take it all with a grain of salt and realize that I cannot convict you, nor am I trying to. I can only tell you what convicted me and hope that you can see my point. 


So on to movies, which is a good subject. Mostly because pretty much everyone I know (including myself) compromises on what we put before our eyes. First of all, I would like to say that I am guilty of setting my eyes before some pretty disgusting stuff. Funny how when we are all alone it is easy to click to a channel that has a cool show on it that you would never watch were your christian friends in the room. Like "Friends" which is all about sex and sleeping around and dirty jokes, or "Desperate Housewives" which is pretty similar, or even things more crude like MTV. Basically, with a remote in our hands we have access to slightly airbrushed pornography just in the nature of the suggestions on screen. Like it or not, the disgusting "P" word we all hate to use is on the TV. And if you have turned on the TV, likelihood is you have looked at pornography. Or been to a movie with blatant sex scenes, or even implied sex between people outside of marriage!

A few movies that exemplify this airbrushed "P" can slip by our radar:

-Across the Universe, never seen it but I read the plot synopsis and jeepers. I looked up the review on plugged in online and wow! Homosexual activity, teenagers blatantly sleeping together, multiple hook ups. Christians, we need to pay attention to putting this stuff before us. 
http://www.pluggedinonline.com/movies/movies/a0003438.cfm

-Rent, also never saw it but this movie is pretty much all about homosexuality and puts it in a way that you will justify it and it will desensitize you to the sin that it is. 
http://www.pluggedinonline.com/movies/movies/a0002427.cfm

Here is a quick list of movies with open sex scenes in them that I have recently heard respected christians say that they enjoyed (although I haven't seen them I looked them up on plugged in):
-21
-Troy (Actually I did see this one and until recently didn't find much issue with it)
-300
-Atonement (nothing may be shown but a lot is implied and heard!)
-Tristan and Isolde
-Enemy at the Gates

And those are just few. 

First, let me show you what convicted me and changed my heart. I mean I used to be pretty lax about movies, Braveheart was my favorite until I examined my walk a little. I think what I am willing to set before my eyes shows a little bit of my heart and makes me calloused. 

In Ephesians chapter 5 I found a lot of things that back up my very strict thoughts on movies and entertainment. Lets look first at verse 1 and 2:

1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Thats pretty sweet huh? Be imitators of God. First, what is God like? Well He is the ten commandments and the fruits of the spirit. He is honorable, doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, doesn't steal, doesn't commit adultery, doesn't disobey parents, he is love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, self control, gentleness, and we could keep going but thats it for now. He is perfection. So we should emulate perfection. It's hard, but we are commanded...yes COMMANDED not as an option, to try. And as Yoda says, there is no try, there is do or do not. If we have it in our heads that it is to hard and we can't do that then we already completed the "do not" in our heads. Everyday we have a chance to emulate our Lord and live perfectly for Him. Almost every day I fail, but I try not to start my day saying "Well there is no way I am going to not sin today so whatever, why even try"instead I pray the Lord would give me the strength to live like Him. 

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

That is powerful stuff. Not even a HINT, like a suggestion, nothing. Sexual immorality could look like a movie, could sound like a song, could present like a picture...it's everywhere. How do we justify the sexual immorality we indulge in when we watch a movie with unwed people sleeping together? In almost every movie? Simple. "Its just one bad scene, the rest is really good!". Brothers, sisters, I pray that the Lord would convict you the way He has me that one scene is more than enough. One scene is definitely a "hint". Matthew 5:27 says: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I noticed that I need to be careful where I look and what I find in my heart when I look there!

4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

I'm pretty bad at this one. Foolish talk and coarse joking are so easy to do! But we need to mind our mouths, because that is what the world hears from us. If my jokes and my talking is the same is unsaved Earl down the street, I am ashamed to bear the name "Christian" which means "Little Christ". There was no problem telling that Jesus was different, and if I am a blend in bessie than I am disgracing my Lord. 

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 

I love the end of that, find out what pleases the Lord. I wonder if Jesus is pleased with my forms of entertainment, but my guess would be no. I think He is more now than ever, yet I still need refining. 

11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.

We do more than mention what the disobedient do in secret, we make movies and pay to see it. Brothers and sisters I am not trying to say I am more righteous. I'm not. All I am trying to do it show you that no matter how I justify it and say that its alright, the things I read, see, listen to, and talk about show who I believe God to be. Have NOTHING TO DO WITH FRUITLESS DEEDS OF DARKNESS. Thats strong stuff! Nothing to do is...well...nothing. I have been to one movie all summer and I regret it. There are better ways to spend the time that the Lord has given me. 

There is much much more to life than seeing a movie. 

Matthew 7:3 "Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?" I worked hard through this to make sure that I wasn't just squinting past the beam in my eye to focus on the sin of others, and although I still sin, I feel like I am finally in a place to write a blog about this subject. 

Well guys, hopefully you are encouraged. Much love me amigos!

The Dark Knight

I went and saw it tonight...ugh. I gave in after hearing that it was such a good movie with such a good moral message. Right...buried underneath a staggering body count. It was probably the darkest, most depressing, unredeemed, and disturbing movie I have ever seen.

Ok guys, I'm not trying to be legalistic but really! It was 2.5 hours of death, killing, and lying for a small redemption at the end. Maybe I'm crazy but it just was disturbing. What is the point of watching that? Its just so dark. I did not, nor did anyone in my group, leave the theatre feeling good about that movie. So I asked people why watch it...and they told me because of the redemption in the end. Batman takes the wrong on his shoulders even though he didn't do any wrong...wait a minute I think I've heard this story before.

Oh yeah you can read about it in the bible without wading through hours of darkness and needless brutality. 

It's a triviality...

But really I am confused.
It's seems like life is so short, and so long at the same time. My Opa (Grandpa) and my Grandma are both going downhill and it just sucks. Yet it feels like I am permanantly stuck in this stage of my life. Its hard to think that pretty soon I will be where they are, isn't it interesting that life has that cycle and has for so many generations. Since the beginning of time actually...people are born, live, grow old and die.
Its sobering really to know that. We only have one chance to live each day, so how are you doing at that? Soon you will be old and at the end, and won't you want to be able to look back with joy at how you lived? I know I will.
I want the Lord to greet me and say "Well done my good and faithful servant, you did well with what I gave you". I need to start doing well now and not waiting for some monumental thing to happen in my life to spur me on to being extraordinary. I need to be that way for the Lord everyday.
Anyways...I have to go give an oral presentation on Graves Disease for Lab so hasta!

Taking a break.

I just finished the first out of two chapters of homework that are due tomorrow, so I figured I would blog a little. First of all, I realized that my blogs have been awful lately! I used to write so much and with fervor, now I am to busy to put any thought into it. 

So, this is going to be a good one. Its about time!

Some of the revelations I have been having lately...

1.) Some friends and I were out at Bee's the other night and we were talking about air soft. Then we started talking about a friend we don't like to play with anymore because he cheats, than it went on to badmouthing him. I knew from the first foul comment on him that I should say something about it and get everyone to stop talking bad about him, but I said nothing. In fact I contributed to the conversation. 

Needless to say, I felt pretty crappy about that. I went home and as I was doing my night time devotions I read this in 1 John 3:11 "For this reason He came into the world, that you might love one another". I was like "dang". 

I slandered the reason my Lord came into the world by not loving my brother, not just anybody but a brother in the Lord! I should love everyone, but especially my co-laborers. 

Well I repented, and then I sent out texts to everyone I had been hanging out with apologizing for my cowardice in not speaking up and sharing that verse with them.  I know that more than a few of them were as convicted as I was. Thank the Lord for pointing out sin in my life, and giving me the heart to want to change it. On my own it wouldn't matter, but because He instilled it in me I can change. 

2.) I realize how bitterness is like a disease that spreads if you let it fester. It only grows and amplifies and then will come spewing out on whomever happens to be around. It is so disgusting. I have seen it in myself, but mainly right now I can see it in others. I'm not pointing fingers mind you or saying that they need to get over it because I have been there and know how powerful bitterness can be. Its hard to let go of what you want to hold on to so bad. I mean if the bitterness leaves than you will have to love the person you once hated. 

I remember when I was little I hated Daniel. I love him now, he is an awesome brother, but when we were young we butted heads. I was so bitter towards him because I thought my parents loved him more, he had more stuff, he was a boy and could do what he wanted, him and my sister were better friends than me and my sister, and so on. He would also get me in trouble by doing something bad and then blaming it on me, and because I was a pretty naughty child to begin with my mom would just assume it was me. He would stand behind her and make faces at me as I would get lectured. So he did call for it, but no one deserves hatred. It drove me batty! 

I would dwell on it until one day I think I either pushed him or hit him or something violent like that, and the poor kid got really hurt. He sat down and cried. He didn't run and tell mom, he didn't fake it, he was hurt. And I caused it. At that moment my bitterness melted away because all of the retribution I sought was not worth seeing someone else in pain, and me at the cause of it. Haha...it brings tears to me eyes just to remember it. 

If I had let it roll, no matter how big or small, that never would have happened. Granted, he is better with no scars or damages from it. But I let my anger drive me to hurt someone, and to hate someone. Both things that the Lord looks down on. I can't imagine, or at least I try not to because it just hurts, the thought of the Lord looking down on me and just being ashamed at my actions. To look at me and say "Melody, my Son died for you so that you could do THAT?". I guess it makes me think a lot about what I should do...love.

Jesus had it rough, people hated him. When everything was taken from him, when his dignity was gone, his pain immense, and the people he loved betrayed him, he still loved them.

David prayed for his enemies. He has a number of psalms that speak of tearing down the wicked and killing them and stuff, but that is when he was being a hot head. There are other psalms where he is praying for his enemies, where he asks God why? Where he wonders without hating. The Lord constantly seems to look down on hate, even if it is an enemy. In the book of Isaiah it says that the Lord doesn't take joy in the death of the wicked. Wow! So you mean even though there is one less evil person on the world...God doesn't take joy in that? NO because it is one that He loves going into eternal suffering because of their own foolish decision. 

So why not let it go? Chances are, if your bitter towards someone, they probably need the Lord or you do. There should definitely be a revaluation of your priorities: is it loving someone into the kingdom or holding on to hatred?

3.) I need to learn how to have a better quiet time. I have been getting up in the morning and reading my bible out on the patio while listening to the birds and feeling the sun shine but I get so distracted! I think about the assignments I have due, about the things on my list to get done, about everything possible. Ad then I realize I read a whole chapter without even knowing it. 

I keep reminding myself not to lose focus. The ultimate goal of my life is to be a follower of Jesus, not successful, not a nurse, and not to have my degree. I am a servant, and that is my ultimate calling. I lose focus a lot, and then life gets to me because I feel like I am not doing enough. So I would encourage you, dear reader, to slow down and remember what the purpose of your life is. 

4.) I get so anxious. I need to stop. I need to remember that focus, and let it go. 

So basically thats it! Thats what's going on, and its all good. God is good and when I stop and think how God it takes my breath away! I was outside last night with a blanket laying out looking at the stars and realizing how small I am, and how big of a God I serve. How awesome if He! Take a minute and look at the sky, He made that with his breath. I like to let it engulf me and feel how small I am, a speck in the universe He made and yet He knows, cares for, and loves me. ME! How awesome is that?

Praise the Lord!

Oh and...

I originally had something written here that may cause offense...so i erased it but just know that i hate false doctrine and will fight it all the way! 

I love trucks.

So I have spent the last three days directing traffic and hanging out at the Little Log House Antique Power Show. Basically, that is three days of seeing big trucks, tractors, and the cute boys that drive them! Not bad, if I do say so. 

Ok, I am a hick. I'll let that out of the bag right now. I used to ride my horses in the fair, I showed chickens and pigs I mean how much more hick do you get. But I love it! I love the big truck, country music, big belt buckles and all. I love it because not only do I fit in easily without any effort, but its so much more fun than being hoity toity and going out all the time. Being in the city isn't too bad for a little while, but people are stuck up. I get so sick of that!

You put on a big belt buckle and some boots and you have about 50 close friends all of a sudden that will give you a coke (or a beer, but I said no) and let you see in their truck, its great. There is so much more acceptance and just plain fun. 

Plus, dude. I need one of those trucks. 

The guy who owned this one was really cute, and a flirt, but hey. Thats the perk of being a country girl every once in a while!

I want a lifted old 70's chevy, jet black, with a chrome tool box, tail pipe, bumpers, and roll bar!

Life.

Why are you so downcast O my soul? Why so disquieted within me?

Put your hope in God, for he will yet bring you solace. 

I have to believe that cause if I didn't I wouldn't be here tomorrow. 

What does it meant to be in the US Military?

As most who are reading this know, I love the military. I have tried to get in so many times, but they do not feel the same way about me as I do for them. Going to see my little brother graduate from infantry AIT at Ft.Benning resurfaced all the old feelings of longing I have for being a part of the military. 

But, I put it in the Lord's hands.

And then before I went to bed I read from Phillipians a bit. I read the verses that say 'Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of other' 2:3-4

WOW! Did that ever speak to me. I was planning on reading a chapter or so, but I read that and was like 'Whoa...' and then I laid down and thought and prayed about that as I went to sleep.

What are my motives? Do I want to be in the military because I want to feel high speed? Because I want education benefits? Because I want people to look at me the way they do at my brother when he walks through the airport in that uniform? 

Well...yes. 

But now I realize that is all worthless. Yeah, I do want education benefits but that is the lamest excuse ever. The military is cool, they do some cool stuff and its just awesome to me. But none of that is enough.

I guess now I realize that it is good I never got in, because my motives were wrong. I still want too, but I am asking the Lord to help change my heart. As I was going to bed I tried to picture ever woman I know who doesn't want to be in the military wearing a burka and basically being treated like a dog. I pictured the young men I know who don't feel as though they 'want' (pathetic...) to serve their country being shot by people invading. I pictured my family getting taken and tortured, my city burning, my friends being killed. I thought about all of this horrible stuff and decided that I want to go in the military because I never want to see any of that stuff happen. 

I guess I realized that there is a lot to fight for, and even if I never get to fight for it with my nation, I will still fight. I realize that the reason to be a part of it is so that the people I love can still live the way they live. So that the young and able boys I know can have the right to not want to be a part of the military because a girl stepped up! Not that I would do anything other than nursing and admin stuff, probably never touch a gun outside of basic, but all the same. I would not be the end of the spear, but one of the little pieces of wood that makes up the strong shaft that allows the head to be strong. 

Yeah! So, I will not despair. It is in the Lord's hands. At least now I know what to fight for.