But, I put it in the Lord's hands.
And then before I went to bed I read from Phillipians a bit. I read the verses that say 'Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of other' 2:3-4
WOW! Did that ever speak to me. I was planning on reading a chapter or so, but I read that and was like 'Whoa...' and then I laid down and thought and prayed about that as I went to sleep.
What are my motives? Do I want to be in the military because I want to feel high speed? Because I want education benefits? Because I want people to look at me the way they do at my brother when he walks through the airport in that uniform?
But now I realize that is all worthless. Yeah, I do want education benefits but that is the lamest excuse ever. The military is cool, they do some cool stuff and its just awesome to me. But none of that is enough.
I guess now I realize that it is good I never got in, because my motives were wrong. I still want too, but I am asking the Lord to help change my heart. As I was going to bed I tried to picture ever woman I know who doesn't want to be in the military wearing a burka and basically being treated like a dog. I pictured the young men I know who don't feel as though they 'want' (pathetic...) to serve their country being shot by people invading. I pictured my family getting taken and tortured, my city burning, my friends being killed. I thought about all of this horrible stuff and decided that I want to go in the military because I never want to see any of that stuff happen.
I guess I realized that there is a lot to fight for, and even if I never get to fight for it with my nation, I will still fight. I realize that the reason to be a part of it is so that the people I love can still live the way they live. So that the young and able boys I know can have the right to not want to be a part of the military because a girl stepped up! Not that I would do anything other than nursing and admin stuff, probably never touch a gun outside of basic, but all the same. I would not be the end of the spear, but one of the little pieces of wood that makes up the strong shaft that allows the head to be strong.
Yeah! So, I will not despair. It is in the Lord's hands. At least now I know what to fight for.