It has been a rough weekend. A friend died Tuesday and was laid to rest Saturday which was hard. Not so much because the friend was a best buddy but because I am very close to other people who were close to him and it hurts to see my friends cry. It was trying.
Sunday was bad too. Michael was sick, and I found myself getting mad at him for being sick. I can't explain it, I am a stupid girl. My sister and I are far too alike. There was a square dance on Sunday night and I really really wanted to go. I don't know why, but I really really wanted Michael to go too. Its the stupid little things that get you down. Somehow it got into my head that he didn't want to go, not that he was sick. Oh well, I soon got over that and realized I was being stupid and selfish.
Holli and I got to talk a lot which was a huge blessing. We never get to talk anymore, and we both have had a lot to talk about recently. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he is a pin head and a fruitcake that doesn't realize when something good hit him in the face. He didn't deserve her anyways.
Halfway through my conversation with Holli on sunday night, a ghost from my past gave me a call. "Ghost" is always there when things in my mind get sketchy. I don't know why either. Michael couldn't come to the square dance because he was sick and I should have been more understanding. But instead...I got angry and wanted him to come. Then it came into my mind that he just didn't want to come. Then "Ghost" called me. It then came into my mind that "Ghost" had always been romantic and made me feel so beautiful and loved. Then I thought of Michael sitting at home. It was like a tug of war in my head...I wanted to go back to being with Ghost because it was easier and he was so persistent. But in the long run I know Michael is there for me, even if he doesn't think of the little romantic things that Ghost did. Those fade right?
Michael took me to go see the movie "Fireproof" and it really rang true to me. The wife in that story is drawn away by a doctor who promises romance and excitement. He makes her feel loved and fills that missing piece of emotion in her life. I think guys don't understand just how real that is. All it takes is a moment where we feel (or is it just me?) unloved or unwanted and we want to turn to something that will offer those things. I know Michael cares for me but he doesn't show it, well few and far between. And then Ghost comes calling and offers those things. The excitement, the romance, the thrill of emotion. I know Ghost is not someone I can turn to reliably. He has turned on me so many times and lied to me. I used to want only him but I was lied to far to many times and I let him go. When I let him go a wonderful man, Michael, came into my life within weeks. And things get rocky in my head and lo and behold here comes Ghost.
I want to be with Michael forever, but I can't live without passion and romance and at least some sort of emotion. I am, as I told my sister, far to much like Maryanne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) to live without passion. It seems like as soon as the promise of emotion is gone I look for it somewhere else. Ladies who read such as Sarah, Elisabeth and Malia, give me some input. Am I alone in getting distracted by things that look romantic and sound promising when the romance is gone from my life?
I still stand by Michael, he is the one for me. But I hope he gets the memo soon enough that a girl cannot live without emotion. Thanks for reading girls (and possibly Judah) its nice to know people care :)