Monday, November 3, 2008


I am sitting in the nap room at day care listening to the sounds of little breaths and snores. It is relaxing. 

It has been a rough weekend. A friend died Tuesday and was laid to rest Saturday which was hard. Not so much because the friend was a best buddy but because I am very close to other people who were close to him and it hurts to see my friends cry. It was trying. 

Sunday was bad too. Michael was sick, and I found myself getting mad at him for being sick. I can't explain it, I am a stupid girl. My sister and I are far too alike. There was a square dance on Sunday night and I really really wanted to go. I don't know why, but I really really wanted Michael to go too. Its the stupid little things that get you down. Somehow it got into my head that he didn't want to go, not that he was sick. Oh well, I soon got over that and realized I was being stupid and selfish. 

Holli and I got to talk a lot which was a huge blessing. We never get to talk anymore, and we both have had a lot to talk about recently. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he is a pin head and a fruitcake that doesn't realize when something good hit him in the face. He didn't deserve her anyways. 

Halfway through my conversation with Holli on sunday night, a ghost from my past gave me a call. "Ghost" is always there when things in my mind get sketchy. I don't know why either. Michael couldn't come to the square dance because he was sick and I should have been more understanding. But instead...I got angry and wanted him to come. Then it came into my mind that he just didn't want to come. Then "Ghost" called me. It then came into my mind that "Ghost" had always been romantic and made me feel so beautiful and loved. Then I thought of Michael sitting at home. It was like a tug of war in my head...I wanted to go back to being with Ghost because it was easier and he was so persistent. But in the long run I know Michael is there for me, even if he doesn't think of the little romantic things that Ghost did. Those fade right? 

Michael took me to go see the movie "Fireproof" and it really rang true to me. The wife in that story is drawn away by a doctor who promises romance and excitement. He makes her feel loved and fills that missing piece of emotion in her life. I think guys don't understand just how real that is. All it takes is a moment where we feel (or is it just me?) unloved or unwanted and we want to turn to something that will offer those things. I know Michael cares for me but he doesn't show it, well few and far between. And then Ghost comes calling and offers those things. The excitement, the romance, the thrill of emotion. I know Ghost is not someone I can turn to reliably. He has turned on me so many times and lied to me. I used to want only him but I was lied to far to many times and I let him go. When I let him go a wonderful man, Michael, came into my life within weeks. And things get rocky in my head and lo and behold here comes Ghost. 

I want to be with Michael forever, but I can't live without passion and romance and at least some sort of emotion. I am, as I told my sister, far to much like Maryanne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) to live without passion. It seems like as soon as the promise of emotion is gone I look for it somewhere else. Ladies who read such as Sarah, Elisabeth and Malia, give me some input. Am I alone in getting distracted by things that look romantic and sound promising when the romance is gone from my life? 

I still stand by Michael, he is the one for me. But I hope he gets the memo soon enough that a girl cannot live without emotion. Thanks for reading girls (and possibly Judah) its nice to know people care :)


E. Chikeles said...

First to comment! ha.

Having been married two years, and of a similiar disposition to yours, I think romance is a farce and the devil likes to play with our feelings. I just went to a women's retreat and the speaker said thats how the world does it- they rely on feelings to tell them what is right, but we in Christ rely on truth.

Give Michael time and he will sweep you off your feet, but determine to not let ANY thing, body, or feeling distract you from him... for us romantics it is hard to stay committed once we let our guard down and imagine, just for a second, what it would be like to feel love and excitement more than we do but truly God equips our man with all that he needs to be the best husband- and He knows what kind of husband you need.

Now that I am preggo husband, for the first time in our marriage, sees me as something to take care of and bend over for. Yesterday I mentioned, MENTIONED, coldstone and he drove all the way across town before coming home to dinner to get me ice cream because he wants to make me happy. How sweet is that!

You already know it, but just have faith and give it time. =)

- Sarah :-) said...

Okay - coming from someone who's married (a year next Monday already, can you believe it?!), I'll be completely honest with you: No. It doesn't go away.

I love my husband. I really do. But last night we argued about something (something I had been trying to "get over" and supress for over a week, now) and I got in the shower to think. I'm not joking when I say that I BALLED my eyes out about it all. I haven't felt like I've matter to him, lately (though I know it isn't true). I haven't felt like a priority, or like my happiness means anything to him like he used to say it did. I've felt less attractive, less secure in myself, less important, less needed, less appreciated... the list really could go on.

But I started praying through my babbling and crying and was just honest with God about it "God, he's not who I thought he was going to be forever. I thought he'd always be like he was when we were dating. He wasn't really romantic, but he at least acted like it, sometimes. God I don't even know how to talk about this with him because I just KNOW he'll get defensive and play it off liek I'm some stupid girl - am I just being a stupid girl?! But I know that you care, and I know we can get through something like this, but I just don't know what to say to him."

This may not be the same situation, but most of the whoel issue spurred from him not treating me like I always thought I "deserved" to be treated. He wasn't mean to me or anything, but I wasn't being adored. I always thought my husband would adore me.

So now I've been dealing with seeing friends get married and watching the adoration in the grooms' eyes. Seeing other friends, married both less and longer than Kyle and I, and they are good to each other. They go out of their way to make each other feel loved and appreciated and happy. But I didn't feel that way.

No joke. This is a LOT, but... I'm just trying to be real. As unfortunate as it is, that stuff doesn't go away. But I can honestly say that praying about it, and then just apologizing to Kyle for being so emotional about everything and expecting him to just know things without me saying anything - we were able to talk through things calmly and honestly. And he actually agreed that he'd been acting like that and shouldn't.

Prayer is SOOO huge in relationships! I'll be real again and admit that I'm not the best at praying a lot of the time. I just say my simple prayers and move on... but I strongly believe that God wants us to not just be happy, but also fulfilled. And though he wants us to rely on him for those things, he knows we're human, and he'll supply that emotional need. Agree with me or don't... either way, this is a lot of what I've been learning lately.

I guess I spilled all of this out just so you can #1 - see that you're SO not the only one! and #2 - be onest and tell you that it doesn't go away. Just like in Freproof, the girl allowed the slow fade... little by little... she flirted back and then it was returned to her. When you flirt with sin, it's going to be just like a guy that wants you - it's going to say and do ALL the right things to tempt you and pull you away from wher eyou heart really is. That's like the saying "give them an inch and they'll take a mile".

I don't think I've gotten flowers ONCE since we've gotten married. And as much as I'd love that - it doesn't matter. Because love isn't about flowers and surprises, and all of those romantic things. It's about knowing the other person's feelings and intentions. And if you aren't sure you know what is going through his head with regards to you right now, ask him. You need to be fair to him in at least telling him what you need. It may seem obvious to you, but men aren't QUITE the same as woman (ha - not at ALL!), so what makes sense to us doesn't at ALL make sense to them, even though it should! :-P

Wow - sorry I wrote so much. I'm not even sure if that's what you wanted to hear, but that's what I felt you should know. All of that and if you haven't read "Do you think I'm beautiful" by Angela Thomas, read it... then read "Captivating" by Stasi Eldridge. They are very different, but books that I think EVERY girl should read!!

Melody said...

that was exactly what I needed. thanks girls :)

Uriel said...

having been married 5 years, I can say that it's not just girls - I have a suspicion that God pairs up romantics with pragmatics for some purposes known only to him (probably something having to do with character formation) But I've been the one frustrated off and on with my wife's lack of romantic sentiment, like how she doesn't really care if I sing love songs to her or not. If I dwell on things like that it gets depressing, but if I step back and look at us, I see that she DOES really love me, and shows me in all the ways she knows how. We just happen to speak different languages. Oh, and it's a lot different now then it was when we were first married, I think the concepts of romance have (after five patient years) been rubbing off. We're able to have short philosophical discussions too, It's getting better and better all the time! I kind of look at it like that scene in the beginning of Braveheart, where William's dad's saying (re. the English) "I didn't say we had to beat them, we just have to fight them" - I'd rather sow the seeds of the kind of love I hope for until I die than give up and get bitter. And (in my case at least) there is something of a harvest eventually.

Plus, there's definitely something to be said for faithfulness-I'd much rather have someone who I trusted to stay true to me than someone I would wonder about every time we have a disagreement.

And I seriously think that all the hopes and dreams of the romantics will find fulfillment somehow, to all of our satisfaction, in the new heavens and earth.

All that being said, may God give you (more) wisdom.

Melody said...

You guys are great at giving good advice. Judah I think you are completely right. And its funny how I find myself falling for all of these things that are not the way I imagined them...yet they turn out to be better. He is great :) though not a reader and hopeless romantic like me!