Diapers.

Well good morning! (at least for me) After a night of little sleep because the babe was awake quite a few times I lay here (she is FINALLY sleeping, but she fell asleep on me and I don’t want to move!) and am quite refreshed. The only thing that is not good right now is that the wonderful coffee I just brewed is across the room and as I said, I don’t want to wake this sleeping babe in her precarious state of sleep. I have to wait until she is very asleep to move. Should be soon, hopefully the coffee is not cold by then!

The purpose of this blog is actually to review some baby products. I am no great voice in the baby product world nor do I have wonderful insight on any of the matters baby. I have however been using various baby products since the girl was born and I want to review them to give all my preggo friends insight into my experiences thus far. If it can help them know what to buy and what not to buy I would happy. It would mean saving a few more poor young couples some money!

To start, I am going to do cloth diapers. I plan on doing a different product every day until I run out of constructive things to say…it may be Friday it may be tomorrow, who knows!

Here we go.

My wonderful sister Elisabeth got a bunch of people to go in on a cloth diaper sample pack. Amazing! I had no idea what diapers to go with before, the cloth diaper world is a whole new thing. Its no longer birdseye and layered prefolds with a pin and a plastic cover. These things are high-tech! I look up cloth diapers and get phrases like “4 layer micro fiber insert with hemp liner” thrown at me. How am I to know if a 4 layer micro fiber is better than a hemp or wool or cotton…? By sampling them! There are so many different brands and fit but after almost a week of using all of the different brands every day I have decided what brands I am going to go with and I put my order in last night for 10 more dipes.

So, to start here is a link to the cloth diaper sample pack. Cotton babies is a great website but careful, they don’t always have the lowest prices! I found the best prices by looking for authorized retailers of the products. They seem to have better sales and promotions than the mother site, Cotton babies.

The first diaper I tried was a Knickernappies. It’s a fitted diaper, not a one size. The “one size” was another unfamiliar thing to me but basically it is a diaper that can fit a baby throughout the whole diapering process. Most start at 8lbs and go up to 25+ lbs. The work by having snaps up the front of the diaper that can be folded down according to the size of the baby. That is what all those overwhelming buttons are for on the front of most modern cloth diapers!

But back to this diaper. It is a yellow size small knickernappies. The fit was good and it looked cute on the babe, but my liking of it ends there. The snaps are hard to get on a wiggly baby with the way they are placed. The sides go underneath the front with to me seemed impractical and made the buttoning process even harder. I also had leaking problems when I used it and my baby is only 4 weeks old so its not like she’s got serious volume issues. The insert just tends to slide to the sides when she moves. I have used it without leaks but that was just for BM not for a big wet dipe. It did contain the BM well though!

Next, since we are on the knickernappies role, the one size. I ordered the one size one my own, it did not come in the sample pack. Bad idea! This diaper is ridiculous. First of all the advertisement says it should fit a baby that is 8lbs. Lil babe is 9 ½ lbs but it was absolutely ridiculous on her! I wouldn’t even leave it on her long enough to see if it would leak. I’m not going to break this diaper out again until she is A LOT bigger. Like my nieces size who is 18 months. It also feels kind of strange, the lining on the inside of the dipe is super fluffy. Seems like stuff would stick in it a lot more? So to knickernappies I would break it down like this (for the sized, their one size is not going to get any stars!):
Fit- 5/5 Style- 4/5 Ease of use- 2/5 Function- 2/5

Now onto Grovia. I really liked the feel of this diaper and thought it would be a winner. The material is super nice and stretches nicely. It feels very well made and up to the task. The snaps were easy to use and it was easy to size down (it is a one size) for the babe even though the sides snap in under the front panel like the knickernappies do. The snaps themselves are better quality on the Grovia dipe and easier to use. Unfortunately it did not fit well. When babe moved her legs up there were slight gaps in the middle, which could be cause she is still only almost ten pounds. I did like how the inserts are built in so that I do not have to place them myself. The insides were very heavy weight, not sure if they would allow for ANY air movement. It also looked really bunchy and uncomfy on her. This was definitely the heaviest of all the diapers. Overall, I would never buy one of these as they are the most expensive cloth diaper and definitely not worth the extra money.
Fit- 2/5 Style- 2/5 Ease of use- 5/5 Function- 3/5

Next the Kissaluvs one size. This diaper was pretty middle of the road to me. Everything about it was decent, nothing negative just a criticism. It was super poofy and made her look like a bubble butt. It was easy to put on her, it fit her reasonably well, it didn’t leak, I just don’t like how it looks. Babe is getting fat on her own she doesn’t need the assistance of a poofy diaper to make her bum look big!
Fit-4/5 Style- 3/5 Ease of use- 5/5 Function- 5/5

On to Happy Heiny’s(whats with these names anyways?!). I have these in two versions, one is a one size one is a fitted. I like the fitted but got leaks every time. It looked really cute on her and was even looking like it was almost too small. I don’t think it will fit her all the way up to 14lbs but maybe. It was very easy to put on her, the front closure is Velcro not snaps. Perfect for wiggly babies. Stuffing the liner inside was easy to do but I must not have done it right ANY of the times I have used it. No BM leaks but lots of wet ones. I have not tried the one size because it looks HUGE!
Fit- 4/5 Style- 5/5 Ease of use- 5/5 Function-2/5
Another category for this dipe would be “true to size”. Answer would be negative. It fits her now but I think these may run a little small on the fitted one, not sure about the medium and large but the small feels pretty darn small. I do like it though, wish I could get it not to leak.

Now fuzzibunz. Overall I like this diaper. It fits well, it looks cute, it’s pretty trim and doesn’t give her the bubble look. The snaps are decent. I don’t like the fact that in order to get a good fit it has to be sized. I like the one size concept, especially since babies grow so quickly.
Fit- 5/5 Style- 4/5 Ease of use- 3.5/5 Funtion- 5/5

Saving the best two for last. Bumgenius is a great diaper. I like the Velcro, never tried the snaps. This fits well, doesn’t leak, easy to stuff, has the best colors, and looks cute. I ended up buying 6 more of these. There is not much else to say, they get an all positive review.
Fit- 5/5 Style- 5/5 Ease of use- 5/5 Fuction- 5/5

Now for my favorite, the Doopsy diaper. Don’t be deterred by their websites lame “let doopsy take care of poopsy” motto. This diaper rocks. It is the cheapest one size out there, fits great, and doesn’t leak. It is also the only one size I know of that has an overnight liner that doesn’t cost as much as the diaper itself. I stocked up on the doopsy. It has snaps that are easy to use. When it’s folded down to its smallest size it still looks cute and comfy and the material stretches well. I found this diaper by chance through a video I think, random but fortunate! I would buy all doopsy and never look back if it weren’t for these two things: the Velcro closure and the cute colors on the bumgenius. Doopsy has all very bold colors, I like the bumgenius colors best. I also really like the bumgenius Velcro closure. So easy to us.
Doopsy comes in three option, R (regular) the D (double) and the SD (super duty). I found the SD to be a good buy because it comes with an overnight liner and hemp insert as well as the regular 4 layer micro fiber insert. The D comes with an extra waterproof insert that is specific to the doopsy brand. The R is the same as all the other cloth diapers, just one insert.
The site says that these diapers are good for 10-35lbs but it fits my 4-week-old great already on the smallest setting.
Fit- 5/5 Style- 5/5 Ease of use- 5/5 Function 5/5

Now for the last category: price. Doopsy is the cheapest out there for the quality. Grovia and Kissaluvs are the most expensive. Bumgenius are an ok price for the product, however they run almost 2$ more a diaper than the doopsy ones do.

I bought my diapers here: Twin City Diaper Company
I was able to get the Doopsy SD for only 14.95 a piece (normally 17.95) and 6 Bumgenius diapers for a discounted price of 6 for the price of 5. Total I bought 10 diapers and spent $143.00.

Oh look at the time...

Yes, look at the time. Of course, being that it is 01:54 I am awake with little babe. She gets up every night at about midnight and stays awake alternating being adorable, eating, and taking little (like 2 minutes long) cat naps until after 02:00, then she sleeps for about 2 hours and then is up for the day. Well, she is up until around 09:00 or 10:00. Oh the schedule of a 4 week old.

It feels more like a late night right now since I only got less than an hour of sleep before being awoken by Honeylove, but it is really early morning. Four weeks ago at this time I was in labor almost ready to start pushing to get her out, how crazy it is to me! How my life has changed in four weeks. It is the best and most difficult experience of my life so far. Difficult because it is hard to love this much, hard to put myself out there to be hurt. If anything were to happen to my little dear I would cease to truly live I think. I spend far to much time worrying about her. It is even more vulnerable to me than the marriage, this intense love that takes over. I didn't know I would feel this for my child but it is almost more than I can bear! I know Michael loves me, but Evelyn didn't choose me like he did. She got stuck with me. Hopefully in the future she will choose to love me too and not just love me because I am her food and comfort and jump at her every need.

But on to my accomplishments as a mother. My little mothering accomplishments may seem mundane or useless to you who are so far ahead of me (mom, Beth, Sara, Kris) but to me these things are revolutionary. To know that I am a mother, I have the knowledge, I have the ability, I am empowered. Yes, empowered. To deal with spit up, messy diapers, crying, hunger and a messy house. So take it. (I got the power!)

Anyways.We have had a little problem today, I say "we" because mine is a laundry problem, hers is a spit up problem. They walk hand in hand. She has been spitting up copious amounts and its sad, poor little dear. I looked up different reasons that could be causing all of this spit up and I discovered a lot.

(thank the Lord for internet, I don't know what paranoid new moms did before cell phones and internet!)

Mainly I think she eats too fast and doesn't stop when she gets full. So tonight I tried something different. I fed her for awhile until she seemed to slow down or get uncomfortable (letting go, little legs running, making smacking noises etc.) and then I burped her and gave her a pacifier. Wow! She took the pacifier and it kept her quiet and content. She didn't spit up after that. I realize now that just because she cries and will eat doesn't mean she needs to eat. She went to sleep happy and easily. I feel slightly accomplished, I conquered my baby for the night.

Honeylove.

Yes, that is how I refer to Evelyn most of the time. My little honeylove. Poor little honey has had a sour tummy the last few days. Every two hours we go through the arduous process of trying to nurse, she is hungry but won't latch on because her poor tummy hurts. She just sits there and cries and cries until she has swollen red eyes and is her little lip is quivering. Then I don't know what to do. I try anything to get her to nurse, obviously (because she is starting to get chunky) she does nurse well and eventually after a lot of crying she will eat. Its a hard experience for both of us though.

Today we tried a little gripe water, it seemed to work initially, at least it got her smacking her lips enough from the taste that she nursed well after having it. But then when I had her in the swing (finally sleeping!) she starting sounding like she was drowning in her throat, and then she screamed out in her sleep so I went to pick her up. She looked so pale with her contrasting red eyes from all the crying. Now I have her sleeping on me, she scared me with how pale she looked and then she was so floppy and pliable poor Momma almost had a breakdown. I held it together though, even Michael sitting right next to me didn't notice.

Too many scary aspects involved when trying to take care of such a little and vulnerable person. I have been on the verge of calling my doctor all day, asking her what I should do. I don't know if my diet has her tummy upset, or if its just normal. The amount of her crying the last few days does not seem like it could be normal. I just want to know that she is doing ok, if something I am doing is making her not do well than I will change that. ugh...this is even harder than marriage! Oh the things they (the infamous they) don't tell you.

Poor little honeylove.

My world and its difficulties.

My world is now an 8lb baby with fuzzy dark hair and the cutest little rolls on her arms. She is sleeping noisily on me as I type, life could not get any better, or so I feel right now. Being a mom to Evelyn is the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than being saved from the pits of hell by Jesus. I dread the thought of going back to work and leaving my darling little girl for 9 hours but I can't seem to find a way around it.

We knew that would be the way of things when we decided to try and have a child, but its just a lot harder in reality than in theory. I know I only have to work until Michael is done with school, unfortunately that will be in a LONG time. Long enough that I could finish my nursing degree in the meantime and make a lot more than I am making now...oh the options. Too bad none of the options are stay at home forever with the baby. I think my first choice (of the two choices I don't like anyways...) would be to go to school and finish my nursing degree. I have at most 3 semesters left and then I will be able to work less and we will survive whereas it is hard to make ends meet with the amount I am working now.

I hate seeing Michael trying to fill the financial gaps with working in all his free time of which he has very little. His school is so demanding, engineering undergrads are that way. He studies until late at night, he gets up at 530 or 6 everyday (even all weekend...) and then when he has a day off from studying he finds work to try and make things more balanced. In between he tries to hold the girl as much as possible, I can tell how much he hates leaving her too. He sits in the rocker by the fireplace and rocks her for a half hour or more when he gets home from school, just talking to her and kissing her, she always grimaces from his scratchy face. He almost always asks me what time it is after he has been sitting there for awhile and reluctantly has to give her back to me and start school work. This was his biggest fear about being a father: that he wouldn't have enough time with her. Unfortunately his fear is becoming reality. Eventually we will have to start finding time to focus on each other again I suppose...but right now its all about Evelyn. Time will have to teach us how to better manage this all.

I wish there was an easy way but if there is it is not showing itself. Instead I face either work or school, both will mean parting from the girl. Hopefully it gets easier as time goes on because as it is the thought of being away for an hour is hard enough. I miss her when I sleep, how will I handle being at the hospital while she is home?

Beautiful Baby.

Love.

On being a mother.

It is the best job ever, even waking up at 2 am is wonderful because I get to see the cutest face in the world.






We went out for our first coffee date today. Beautiful baby and delicious iced latte, the best combination.

Evelyn Lael

Ok here is the info everyone needs to know...

So here's the deal, I'll let you all know (within an hour) of my Dr's appointment what went down. I'm being induced thursday. My body that looked so ready at 37 weeks to deliver a baby right on time has not budged since that point. (WARNING: for male readers, if words like cervix and catheter freak you out just stop reading now.)

So, on thursday my Dr will be inserting a Foley bulb (its a catheter bulb that you can inflate with saline) to help stretch the cervix and hopefully dilate me to 4cm within 6 hours. If it doesn't, then they will use prostaglandin gel and or break my water. If that doesn't work, I will get pitocin. My doctor warned me that this artificial process is A LOT more painful than the natural process, but she is trying to take as many natural steps as possible to make my body take over on its own. The foley bulb, breaking the water, and hopefully my body will do the rest. If not however, she said I should think about getting an epidural. She said its like trying to break through a brick wall getting a baby to come through a body that just isn't naturally ready for labor on its own, and she said the contractions are much stronger with the medications that bump start labor.

This just sucks. I wanted so badly to be natural. My birth plan is basically out the window. My body won't cooperate. Today I am no more ready to deliver than I was a month ago. So I am considering my options. I know I will feel like such a wuss who can't take what women since the beginning of time have if I get an epidural. But she said that sometimes it can be a lot more stressful on the baby NOT to have pain control during an induction.

So here I am. I would rather no one call me. I would rather not be heard from ever again, I'll just sit here and make another pot of coffee and pretend like things are ok. But really? This is the hardest thing EVER. I wanted my baby to come naturally and I wanted to be queen of the natural labor process. Apparently the Lord has other plans.

So here I wait and sit in a depressed state until thursday at 6am.

Help me.

I listened to a women's conference given by Bianca Juarez on the seven dadly sins. Wow...conviction on everyone. Who would have thought? Me I suppose. Its easy to think I wouldn't have a stumbling block at each and every one, but I gave myself to much credit. After spending hours and hours this week listening to the studies I am so convicted, and after I look at my sin, know my sin, and face it? Wow. So here is my Psalm. I won't confess my specific sins to you all on blogger, that probably wouldn't edify but make you go EWWWWWWW! It makes me go ew. I will tell you one...yesterday, on my due date, I cried for an hour and texted my husband telling him I didn't know what was happening to my faith. I was reading and praying and felt like I was being ignored. I got to the point where I just wanted to quit and say "FINE! If you want to ignore me though i pour my heart out to You, FINE!" but wow...wake up call. I hear "You ignore me though I gave my only son for you. Though I pour out my heart for you, though I give you life, love, and every blessing." then I cried some more because I felt like such a crappy christian, such a crappy person.

I wish sin wasn't a daily issue with me, Michael and I talk about it at night. Neither of us wants to sin anymore, but we must not want it bad enough, We both have our struggles, some more obvious than others. We decided it would be a lot easier if our natural disposition was not to succumb to the flesh...but it is. We both have things to keep each other accountable on. Imagine whatever sin you will to fill in the blank, sin is horrible even on the smallest scale. Like a lack of self control, a lack of peace, of patience, of goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness...lacking those things equals SIN! WOW. Brain hammered and zinging in my head...I lack multiples at once. In one spout of anger I show my lack of ALL of those.

Thankfully, I have a redeemer to save me from this wretched body of death! AMEN and HALLELUJAH!
Pray I learn to be more diligent.

(A psalm inspired by my sin)

Oh Lord give me strength to lean on You and not on the desires and callings of my flesh...I need strength from you to trust when I feel I have nothing to trust in, Lord I believe (help me with my unbelief!) and renew a clean heart in me! I ask for the reassurance of your perfect timing and not to succumb to my doubts.

I beg you Lord, give me the strength to live the life you have called me too! I know you will, and yet I falter daily. I feel like King David, though he was a man after your own heart, caught up in my follies day after day. How long, oh Lord, will you put up with a fool like me? I'm sorry for my doubts, for my sins. I'm sorry I call out to You thinking Your not there. Just because my prayer has not been answered to my pleasing Lord does not mean you do not own it and have it under control!

Please Lord, turn your face aside from this wretched sinner, I can't stand on my own. Only look at me through the blood of Your Son, who makes me pure! Help me not to take this love for granted! Help me not use this love to my advantage but to honor You and love You in return! Lord, calm my anxious heart. In Your timing, I know. No amount of tears, whining, or despairing will bring about anything worthwhile. It is only when I wait on you that my soul can truly find rest and that I can be content with the blessings you have given me. Content with the blessings? Rejoice in the blessings! Help me to rejoice in Your PERFECT timing and Your PERFECT plan and not give over to the waves of doubt that encircle me.

Lord, I have no standing on my own. I have nothing to offer you but a botched past and what feels like it will be a messed up future. Even in my failings, my daily falling, my wandering mind, my twisted tongue, my doubting heart, my contentions, my lack of trust, take me. I know Your WILL lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank You for casting my sin as far as the east is from the west.

As far as can be, now as King David cried to you in Psalm 51 I do also to "deliver me from the guilt" of my sin so that I can come boldly before You and declare my new life and heart!

I'm sorry for my crying yesterday, for my doubting that You hear my prayers, for my despair. For feeling forgotten. None of it is true. I am sorry for the secret sins of my heart, for the sins of my mouth, for the sins of my eyes. For my vanity, for my unwilling to yield heart, for my self consumed life. Take this as my confession Lord and give me the strength, I beg and plead with You though You give it freely, to live for You.

Thoughts on the bible and childbirth.

So I just went through Matthew in my morning bible study and am now going through Luke and 1 Samuel. I have a few thoughts, funny that both of the first chapters of the two books speak on childbirth.

First of all, in Luke it talks about the birth of Jesus. Please realize that I am in no way trying to be disrespectful to the word of the Lord, I just noticed some things from the 40 weeks pregnant vantage point that made me think. Mary was a virgin when Jesus was born. Joseph was still a virgin because the bible states that he did not know Mary his wife until she had brought forth her firstborn son (Jesus) in Matthew 1:25. Can you imagine the awkwardness there? Here is this young girl who had never had anything happen to her body before and all of a sudden BOOM contraction hits. Joseph is the only one there to help her. She's in a barn. No epidural here. No cleanliness here! All women can probably attest that the thought of childbirth is bad enough on its own when you think of all the tearing and stretching involved, imagine being a virgin and having that all be completely new and foreign to you. And then there's Joseph.

I pity the poor guy. No bradley classes, no learning the breathing patterns. Heck, he had never seen his wife in anything but the latest desert robe (probably...) and then BAM! She's baring all for him to see and what a sight it is. Childbirth ain't pretty, according to the pictures in our childbirth class. Gruesome, scary, bloody, painful, but not pretty. And he was the ONLY one there to help her. Do you think her labor was any easier because she was giving birth to the Lord? I don't know. Luke glosses over this and says "So it was the time came for her to be delivered and she brought forth a Son". There is a lot that went on in that sentence that we don't know about.

Then here is what really got me. I understand that Jesus was the Lord from the time of His birth and that Mary knew that He was God. But...Mary was still a woman. Not the woman the catholics paint her to be, she was just a woman. She had just given birth in a stable and she had a healthy beautiful child that was probably a mix of a mystery and a gift to her. I can't imagine how she loved Him at that time when she first wrapped him in swaddling cloths and held him tight. She was probably still recovering from labor and delivery when these hairy smelly men show up to worship her child, the Lord God of Israel in the form of a baby.

Yep. I was thinking about how awkward it would have been to have your blood and placenta on the straw in the stable and then these guys show up to see the baby. And shepherds in those days...well rumor has it they were stinky men that were far from the top acceptable tiers of society. Yet this is how God planned everything to happen. I just have a whole new respect for Mary in this story now.

Another update, and some domesticness.

As you know, I like to take pictures. I haven’t been taking many lately, just a few here and there when I remember to get my camera out. Pretty much all the pictures I have been taking have been to update you on the current events, if you care to know about them that is.

My dog Bentley is adorable. He is just about the nicest dog (however that comes with a disclaimer that he is the biggest wuss of a dog I have ever seen…) I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Pretty much all day he follows me from room to room as I go about doing whatever it is I do when I am not at work (laundry, cleaning, cooking etc.) and when we get to our destination room, he plops down and is asleep in a second. It doesn’t matter if I am just walking into that room to drop something off, he follows me out again when I leave, but usually not without stopping to stretch first. He is a very sleepy dog. He is also so cute! Here he is:



The baby is getting very big. At least by my standards…it can simultaneously kick me under the diaphragm and in the pelvis at the same time. Talented little nugget huh? It also has big feet, says the ultrasound tech. That makes me think that it will be a swimmer, well if big feet and the constant flutter kicks I get when I’m trying to sleep mean anything to that effect. It will be here in just under 11 weeks. I know I know, that is only according to the due date, it might be here in 12 weeks. It might in ten, God only knows! It is healthy and keeping me very alert to its presence, always making itself known…



Can you believe its been over a year already? Over a year and there is no one I would rather be with. We both hate how we are always saying goodbye: goodbye going to work, going to school, even going to hang out with friends. It’s the alone time we can’t get enough of! I think I married the best one out there. This morning he came out and gave me a hug from behind (which is easier these days due to my increasing belly size…) and told me that he wanted me to write out a chore list because I shouldn’t have to do everything around the house, he just doesn’t know what I want him to do. Well of course I will agree to that!



His new hobby is mountain biking. He has wanted to get into mountain biking since before we were married and has talked about it often. After extensive reviews, and I mean hours of reviewing products, we went out and bought the stuff. He got a bike frame and some wheels from a friend who races MTB. He broke a 200$ wheel right off the bat, so we had to get a new one of those. We also got him clip in pedals that attach to these sweet Keen MTB shoes. He looks like a legit biker! He also has a nice helmet, of course, because I wouldn’t let him out without one. It’s nice for him to have a hobby, he hates spending money on himself and rarely does unless I make him, or unless I find out what he wants and buy it for him. This is his first big personal purchase (not towards the house or cars etc.) since we got married. Way to go Michael! Hopefully he stays safe….




I went out to my old neighbors farm and picked some apples the other day, they were just perfect. I spent the day today canning apple jelly, making pies, pastry’s and tarts. I think there is a little bit too much for us to eat on our own!

I chronicled the process with pictures, which is hard to remember to do believe it or not. There are so many steps to forget to take pictures of!

Here are all my little apples, some pears, and some plums.



The blue book of canning. I always feel so domestic when I bring this out and follow a recipe to can something. I don’t know why, it just feels like ultra homemaker to me.



This is my accomplice.



And this is my weapon, the guillotine or apples next to a waiting victim



The end result of all apples in my house today…



This is a peach and apple tart with chopped pecans and cranberries. Turned out very good.



My wooden spoons have seen better days, but as some would say, they literally take a lickin and keep on kicken. I love how wooden spoons add an ambiance (it’s silly I know) to the cooking process. So much better than using silicon or plastic. Keep it natural people, natural.

The One.

He is the one, the eyes that could hold me forever.
Although, being held in his arms feels even better...
During the hours of the day I wonder,
Should it be this way?
Should we daily have to work apart,
Not see one another,
Not hold one another,
Or was there a better plan?

His smell...coffee and old spice and wait,
A hint of garlic.
His smell could hold me forever,
Even the scent in his breathe
That is always present,
No matter how he brushes.
There is no where I could feel safer
Than when he wraps his thick, heavy arms around me.
Those arms, the darkly tanned skin, the hard muscle,
They are safety, comfort, love.

I lay my head on his chest,
I feel his heart beat against my head.
I feel our child moving inside me
As I take in the time we have together.
Could it last forever?
If it could, I wish it would.
But in 8 hours...8 short hours...


We rise again.
The coffee is on, the automatic timer in the morning
Makes getting up oh so much easier.
When dark roast greets us with a soft scent.
He sits in his office and studies the word,
I sit on the deck and take in the world,
While we spend time with our Lord.

A quick kiss goodbye, a lingering look...
"I love you"
and a sigh.
He doesn't want to go.
"I love you too"
I don't want him to go either.
I will be home, folding the laundry,
Cleaning the house,
Buying the groceries,
He will be out,
Working till dusk,
Wearing himself thin
To provide.

And then...
The dog starts wagging his tail and runs to the door.
I glance quickly in the mirror,
A day of work leaves much to be desired in my hair and face.
I can look outside and see,
He is playing with the dog.
The dog he loves to much,
Then he stands and comes to the door,
I wait for him.
He drops everything and holds me
Until I feel I can let him go.
"I love you"
He always says softly,
Into my neck, where he rests his head.
While I wrap my arms around him too.
Our daily routine
The long embrace.
The knowing it will happen again tomorrow.

But tonight,
We can be together.
We can sit side by side,
Read, watch, play, eat.
Does it matter?
Time...
Thats all we need.
Please don't let time slip away from us...

The end.

I finished my Stats and Logic class...wow. It was intense! 5 weeks long and I logged 44 hours of studying. It keeps track of how long you spend online doing the homework questions. Jeeps. That 2 days of homework! I passed, and now I have my degree. Good enough for me!

The babes is moving a lot, it just kicked me right under my belly button. That is quite a strang feeling. I like to call it Muff...since it is my little muffin in the oven. That and I don't have anything else to call it yet! Muff is a weird name, but at least I can address it. Jenny thought of it, and I like it.

We had our anniversary/baby belly pictures done, will be posting some soon. Michael is such a great husband to have especially when I am pregnant. This morning I had to go to work and he woke up early with me (6am) and when I went in the kitchen to make breakfast he said "How about I make breakfast this morning so you have time to get ready?" How sweet, he made really good food too. I had enough time to get everything and more done in the morning. We also got to have our morning bible studies together (well he sat on one couch and I on the other, but in the same room, which is good enough) and drank delicious coffee, compliments of my brother who gave us a bag of the best dark roast ever.

So, at the moment, all is well. I am at work now, not feeling sick. My feet haven't swollen. I don't look like a beached whale, and the wee one will arrive in just 12 weeks time. We have names pretty well narrowed down but until we are a little more certain, they are under wraps.

National Treasure

So while reading the word yesterday I was struck by how confused I was. Am I supposed to be so confused? I found myself thinking like Riley, my favorite character in the National Treasure movies. He is frustrated after the movie has been going for about an hour and they have been through a lot only to find out that what they have found is only another clue leading to another clue leading to the treasure.
He says "what?! Another clue?! Why couldn't they just say "Go to this place, here's the treasure spend it wisely?"
Sometimes that is how I wish the bible was. Here's the guidelines, follow them wisely. I was reading 1 Corinthians about how women should keep their head covered and how man was not created for woman but woman for man. Then it throws a verse in there and says "because of the angels". What the heck? I don't get it. I really like Matthew 5. Very straight forward. I am currently studying in Luke...also nice and straight forward. I wish I were smarter and didn't have the Riley Poole brain!

An update in pictures.

My adorable little dog Bentley.

A nicely cleaned fridge. This is random, but I like it.

Every morning, I make one of these.

My pregnant obsession: fruit.

The beautiful place where I cook, I love my kitchen.

Worship

I have been really thinking and praying lately about worship. I am not part of a worship team now, even though there are openings in the church I attend. I am realizing truly how strongly I feel about worship. Back when I was the head worship leader at our church (at the young age of 17…) I did not hold the views I do now. I just kind of casually led worship because I was able and we needed someone to fill the hole. I disagree with that mindset now, and shame on me for thinking such then. My focus was on filling the ministry, not on fulfilling the ministry. I think I must have robbed the church of some blessings by doing such.

Worship is one of the foremost ministries in a church. The first thing a visitor observes of church leadership are those on the worship team, they are the front line paving the way for the pastor. What then if the worship team is not playing as Psalm 33:3 says “ Sing to Him a new song, play skillfully, and shout for joy”? Basically my question is this: is it better to just fill the hole because it needs to be filled (even if those within the ministry are not called or gifted for the ministry) or to let it sit empty until one who is called and gifted for it steps up?

The reason I ask is because it has been weighing on me lately. It seems that there are many people who think they are called to the worship ministry because it is fun and relatively easy to just pick up a microphone and sing along they do it. But…would the church allow someone who thought they were called to be a pastor to get up and preach on a Sunday? Probably not. I think that first the church would inspect that person: are they functioning as a Pastor outside of having the title itself?

That is one of the ways my dad new that Ben (the new head pastor of the church my dad used to be the pastor of) was ready to be a head pastor. All reports from people in the church he was attending were saying that he was functioning with a pastor’s heart even without the title. He was serving others readily, he was leading his family in the ways of the Lord, he was teaching Sunday school, he was involved in the church, and he was ready when someone needed a hand. He was a pastor without the title.

Shouldn’t worship leaders be the same? I think the position of a worship leader is often negated from where it should be, not in importance but in responsibility. It is a great responsibility to be in such a public ministry, leading the people in such an intimate time with their Savior. I think a person who is called to be a worship leader should function as such whether a part of a ministry or not. So how would someone know if they are called to be a worship leader? I have been praying and studying on this topic and I think I have come up with a few ideas…not saying it is inspired by the Lord or even fully correct but it comes from a desire to see the ministry functioning to its full capacity.

1.) A love for the Lord and a desire to worship Him evidenced by a daily walk that is obvious to those around you.

2.) A gift for music. “ Sing to Him a new song, play skillfully, and shout for joy” Psalm 33:3 If the Lord has not gifted you musically you can rest assured that He has not called you to the worship ministry. If you don’t have the ability to speak Spanish, I wouldn’t expect you to be in the Spanish outreach ministry; if you can’t cook I wouldn’t expect you to be in the homemade meals ministry. If you can’t play music, look for the ministry you are called too because it is not this one. I also think that the person who feels they are called should not make this assessment of musical ability; either the Pastor or the head worship leader should do it. If you are not gifted musically all you will be is a distraction from the worship, which defeats the purpose.

3.) The ability to decrease; the worship team has no room for pride. Even the most gifted of musicians may not have a place on the worship team if they cannot leave their pride at the door. The point of being a worship leader is to lead the people in such a way that you decrease and the Lord increases. Doing anything to draw attention to yourself would distract from the goal: bringing all the glory to God.

I also think that the worship leader should be practicing throughout the week just as the pastor is studying and preparing his sermon. So also should the worship leader be practicing and preparing their service. If worship is only something they think about on Sunday morning during practice, shame on them.

So, I understand that if I were a worship leader I would probably start with a small worship team. I would rather have a few people that are called to be worship leaders than twenty who are not called. 1 Corinthians 12 speaks of the body of Christ, how they are many members that make up the body and each of them is fashioned just as the Lord pleases.

“But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He please. And if they were all one member, where would the body be? But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you” nor again the head to the feet “I have no need of you”. No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary. And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor”

There is a specific place and job for each member of the body. Not everyone can be the head, though many would probably want to be the head. Will the head have the greatest honor? No. Who knows, maybe the liver for the Lord will have the greatest honor. Something no one even sees but still a vital part of the body.

So, in closing I would say that if you are not called to the worship ministry and yet you are forcing yourself into it, you are not only robbing the congregation of a blessing but you are missing a blessing yourself. What a wonderful thing it is to function within the ministry that God has called you too and designed you for. What a horrible thing it is to function within a ministry that you are forcing yourself into, that God has not called or equipped you for. I would encourage all, not just those in the worship ministry, to pray about where you are called and function within that calling. Find where God has gifted you and use those gifts for His glory. Be a part of a body that is functioning to its full capacity, not one missing arms and feet.

Oh to live in a world...

Oh to live in a world like the one in my books. Where perils entrap heroes, and yet the heroes never fail to be victorious. Yes, I have been reading again. I was on my way to work the other day and instead of reaching for one of my typical books like Pride and Prejudice or one of my textbooks I grabbed the third book in the Eragon series, Brisingr. It is a story of dragons and elves, dwarves, men of valor and men of disdain, beautiful women that entrap men with an innocent movement and swords and bows and arrows. My kind of story. Alas...when I read such stories I get overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia (closest thing I can compare it too?) and I want to rush out and grab my sword (yes, I do have a sword) and fight the evil myself.

I know, I am such a dork. I can't help it. It grabs ahold of me and I feel as though I can't sleep until I finish the story. It stays with me for days on end as I revel in the story that is so much more interesting and adventerous than my own. Does anyone else have this enjoyment? This struggle? I wish that I could be as content in my world as I am in theirs. My dreams are of the worlds in my books when I am engrossed in good one. I dream I am a heroine that saves the world with the skill of my mind and body. I will never do anything so important, I am resigning myself to my role.

And yes, I say resigning. I am realizing that no matter how I force it I am not as other people are. Not as my husband is. He is content to be where he is, he doesn't have something in him pulling him trying to get him to do more. He doesn't have the desire to see more, do more, and be more. I realize now that my life will change, with having a baby, and my adventures will change. If only what I see in my head could match up with what is truly before me. I want to revel in this adventure as my sister did, as my mom did but so far they are probably more excited than I am. I would still rather be in the Army or Navy feeling like I was doing something of worth.

I wish I was more boring...not saying that in a self conceited way but I wish that I could just be settled and not always looking into what I am not and what I cannot achieve.

A watched pot never boils...

One has heard this cliché saying probably too many times to count and yet it is not true in the slightest. I was thinking as I was waiting for my nighttime tea a few minutes ago (I drink decaffeinated mint or wellness tea before bed on many nights) and it hit me: even a watched pot boils. Now I know you dear reader are well acquainted with this fact and it has probably never struck you as hard as it did me. You put water in a pot, place heat underneath and it boils. I saw this happening in front of me and in my head an analogy was drawing itself together.

The reason, it seems, that a watched pot never boils is because all of the energy and focus is on the watching. No other actions are occupying the watcher. Not preparing the tea, setting a table, reading a book. The action is consumed with simply watching. Were there to be other actions such as previously mentioned the time would not be consumed by one act that is not tantalizing to the mind or able to distract. The pot will still boil in the same amount of time whether watched or not however if, while in the waiting, one places focus in another direction the pot seems to boil in no time at all.

Could this be true in all life? Does it seem true that when one is waiting to find “the right one” or to fall hopelessly in love, the love does not come? It is when you are least expecting it. When your focus is off of the one thing you are waiting for without truly forgetting you are still waiting for it, time ticks on by.

Think of it this way: we all have character flaws. I, having many, will share with you one. I often live in doubt. I doubt that I am truly loved. I doubt that my friends actually like me. I doubt that my coworkers really mean the nice things they say. I doubt my husband actually means it when he says I am not fat and that I am beautiful. I doubt when people say they like my outfit, the way I decorate my house, that they like my singing, and so on. Most of all, and it is a shame to say, I doubt the Lord. I doubt that I am truly His beloved. I doubt that He truly fogets my sins the second I commit them. I doubt, at times, that the words of the bible are true.

This character flaw of mine is a hard one to face, yet as a watched pot, it will boil in time. Let me explain: if my sole focus on enhancing my person and my walk with the Lord is to not doubt, I do not think I will get very far. I may end up somewhere eventually but the process would be grueling if my daily walk was “you fool! Stop doubting! Just BELIEVE why don’t you!” Instead, I focus on living the truth whether I feel it or not. I still worship the Lord, I still study His word, I still try to live with right action honoring to His name. I can walk in confidence knowing that everyday in confidence whittles away the doubt inside of me.

So, you see, by not watching the simmering pot of doubt it can seemingly boil faster into something usable. Lukewarm water never does any good, does it? That is what I learned while making my pot of tea before bed.

Reality in the form of Caffeine.

I see reality, and I don't want to accept it. I have memories...I wish I could erase them. One cannot ignore the past. I would never have bought the plane ticket, I would never have brought life back with me. If only I could erase...
I hope for the worst, isn't that horrible? I detest my thoughts.
Oh well. Because I bought that plane ticket...
...life will never be the same.
...friends will never be the same.
...stupid me.

Who cares about the past? Doesn't everyone just let it go?

If I could change the past I never would have taken that semester off.
Because I took that semester off...
...I will never see my dearest friend again. She moved to freakin Finland.
...I will never know if I could have learned more.
...I will never redeem my attitude.
Bible college was fleeting. If I had not skipped that semester I would not have so many of the regrets I have now. I would have changed all of my conduct. I would have more knowledge.
If I had not skipped that semester...life would be completely different.

If I had been open I would never have...
...allowed things to go on.
...been walked over.

If I had been understanding I would...
...still have a friend.

And yet I still do. Because she forgave me even though I turned her away. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, I have had no reply. But we talk on the phone often. She now has a beautiful little boy...life is good.

And though I express my thoughts differently, this is how I think.
If I had my right mind I would not write any of this, all it will do is garner doubts in those who just want to know what in the world I am referring too. Stand fast, I won't tell you what I am referring too. I would rather you not ask, it would be futile. I will not answer a message asking how I am, this is always how I am I am only voicing it in this because I can. So please...refrain.
Welcome to the life in my head:disconnected thoughts riddled with the regret of a life of jumping to conclusions and making horrible decisions.

Still...

Life is good. The hubs is good. He loves me...I love him
Still...I have a past. He doesn't (not in the same way). Does he understand? Does anyone?
Thanks a lot life...its all stupid and complicated.

I wish I could start over. Me and Michael: new place.
Knowing no one.

I could be really me.
Not all this stupidity and emotion everyone pushes on me.
I could be rid of...
I better not say.

But can we just go? Now? Before people read this blog and I again have to put out fires in the mind of over sensitive people that think the world revolves around them and their bloody sensitivities?

(and Mom, rest at ease. I am not talking about you! Don't worry yourself, I love you dearly and would never want to be rid of you. i know you will be among the first to read this and so I put this disclaimer here.)

Laughing With

I heard this song by Regina Spektor today and it really made me think...it is so true. Think about it. So many people make "god jokes" (little g god jokes) because they think He is not really there, He is merely the butt of a joke to them. Do they laugh when they are in pain? Do they laugh at God when they need Him? I think she did well capturing that thought in this song:



No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

*Chorus*
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Liberia.

My mother in law is going to Liberia in April. She is adopting a baby girl from there too. I have such a desire to go! I cannot explain what happens in me when I am aching to just go. I want to go on a trip again and more than that, a missions trip. I miss traveling, I miss the different cultures, I miss the closeness I feel to the Lord when I am on a trip that forces me to rely on him.

Sometime I hate money. I don't know how I could ever afford to go. I have the yearning in me and its not going away anytime soon...great. Instead of breaking the bank Michael and I are working to build, I think I will learn to submit to my yearning and just support. So I plan on raising funds for my mother in law and whomever is going over there. This trip is not the one for me but in the future...please! I want to go back to Israel :)

Music.

My most recent favorites:
1-Ingrid Michaelson songs "Everybody" "The Way I Am" "Maybe"
2-Missy Higgins songs "Warm Whispers" "Unbroken" "Where I Stood" "Sugarcane"
3-Natalie Mechant song "My Skin"

Seriously, my new music love is the style of Ingrid Michaelson.

Two things.

First thing that I have is something that stuck out to me whilst doing my bible study on Monday. It was in the beginning of the book of Mark verse 41 Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.”

How long do you think it was since that man who had leporsy had been touched? It is highly likely that the first touch he had in years was the savior touching him and telling him he would be healed. And again, Jesus touched him. People didn't just touch lepers. I am just constantly amazed by the Lord.

Secondly, 1 Peter 3:15 hit me today. Actually the first time it didn't hit me. I was reading and while I was reading I was thinking about this one morning devo from bible college given by Brian Bostic and all I was picturing was him looking at the crowd over the top of his glasses. He would always do that, not look through his glasses but peek over the top of them. It was such a funny memory that I wasn't paying attention to what I was reading. Ever do that? I made it to the end of the chapter without recollecting a word and realized that I was not studying well. So I stopped, prayed, and then reread.

This is what I found: 15 "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,"

Wow! I hope people want to ask me the reason for the hope I have. How awesome would that be?! So anyways this is my goal :)

And I would write more but the ambulance is pulling and I have to go...work is calling and the ER does not wait!

Going into class.

So I have about 20 minutes before class starts, its very strange to be back at college. I missed it because I love learning and honestly, as much as I may whine about it, I love school. I love knowing that I am learning things and even more, I love knowing things. I tried to explain this to Michael and he said he just didn't understand and that knowing things wasn't as important to him. Its not that I want to be a know it all I just like to know that I know things. Do you know what I mean? Its more for my own personal gain.

On to other news. I need to spend more time with the Lord time with the Lord.
I look at my bible and, this is awful to say, I think I will get to it later. And then I never do. And I will go hours, days, a week even without picking it up. Who knows why? Ugh...I know why.
Like I must remind myself in my relationship with my husband, love is a choice. I need to choose daily to love the Lord. It shouldn't be hard...but it is. I think it would be easier if I felt His love tangibly like I used too, because I used to didn't I? I think I did. I think the more I push him away the more my heart gets cold and the less desire it has to be warm again. Its like my heart is so unhealthy it doesn't mind being unhealthy anymore.

But it does mind, from now on, it does. I am going to commit to spending time daily. I will. I will. I must.
Thank you.

My life in pictures part one.

Facing the mirror everyday.

Coffee shops.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, a wonderful one. The ambiance they created here is superb. Deep leather easy chair surrounding a fireplace, dim lamps with rich red shades. Old painting and a large traditional coffee grinder complement the decor and make it feel relaxed, like an old study.

I love sitting in coffee shops and feeling bookish. I have so many thoughts in my head I want to write down, want to perpetuate somehow yet I am always hesitant to share them on here. Someday maybe I will get over it and share a little more openly the thoughts, songs, poems, pictures, and things that are in my head.

Thanks :)

Currently listening to some Missy Higgins music and drinking a wonderful french roast. Adieu.