Friday, November 12, 2010

Help me.

I listened to a women's conference given by Bianca Juarez on the seven dadly sins. Wow...conviction on everyone. Who would have thought? Me I suppose. Its easy to think I wouldn't have a stumbling block at each and every one, but I gave myself to much credit. After spending hours and hours this week listening to the studies I am so convicted, and after I look at my sin, know my sin, and face it? Wow. So here is my Psalm. I won't confess my specific sins to you all on blogger, that probably wouldn't edify but make you go EWWWWWWW! It makes me go ew. I will tell you one...yesterday, on my due date, I cried for an hour and texted my husband telling him I didn't know what was happening to my faith. I was reading and praying and felt like I was being ignored. I got to the point where I just wanted to quit and say "FINE! If you want to ignore me though i pour my heart out to You, FINE!" but wow...wake up call. I hear "You ignore me though I gave my only son for you. Though I pour out my heart for you, though I give you life, love, and every blessing." then I cried some more because I felt like such a crappy christian, such a crappy person.

I wish sin wasn't a daily issue with me, Michael and I talk about it at night. Neither of us wants to sin anymore, but we must not want it bad enough, We both have our struggles, some more obvious than others. We decided it would be a lot easier if our natural disposition was not to succumb to the flesh...but it is. We both have things to keep each other accountable on. Imagine whatever sin you will to fill in the blank, sin is horrible even on the smallest scale. Like a lack of self control, a lack of peace, of patience, of goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness...lacking those things equals SIN! WOW. Brain hammered and zinging in my head...I lack multiples at once. In one spout of anger I show my lack of ALL of those.

Thankfully, I have a redeemer to save me from this wretched body of death! AMEN and HALLELUJAH!
Pray I learn to be more diligent.

(A psalm inspired by my sin)

Oh Lord give me strength to lean on You and not on the desires and callings of my flesh...I need strength from you to trust when I feel I have nothing to trust in, Lord I believe (help me with my unbelief!) and renew a clean heart in me! I ask for the reassurance of your perfect timing and not to succumb to my doubts.

I beg you Lord, give me the strength to live the life you have called me too! I know you will, and yet I falter daily. I feel like King David, though he was a man after your own heart, caught up in my follies day after day. How long, oh Lord, will you put up with a fool like me? I'm sorry for my doubts, for my sins. I'm sorry I call out to You thinking Your not there. Just because my prayer has not been answered to my pleasing Lord does not mean you do not own it and have it under control!

Please Lord, turn your face aside from this wretched sinner, I can't stand on my own. Only look at me through the blood of Your Son, who makes me pure! Help me not to take this love for granted! Help me not use this love to my advantage but to honor You and love You in return! Lord, calm my anxious heart. In Your timing, I know. No amount of tears, whining, or despairing will bring about anything worthwhile. It is only when I wait on you that my soul can truly find rest and that I can be content with the blessings you have given me. Content with the blessings? Rejoice in the blessings! Help me to rejoice in Your PERFECT timing and Your PERFECT plan and not give over to the waves of doubt that encircle me.

Lord, I have no standing on my own. I have nothing to offer you but a botched past and what feels like it will be a messed up future. Even in my failings, my daily falling, my wandering mind, my twisted tongue, my doubting heart, my contentions, my lack of trust, take me. I know Your WILL lead me in the way everlasting.

Thank You for casting my sin as far as the east is from the west.

As far as can be, now as King David cried to you in Psalm 51 I do also to "deliver me from the guilt" of my sin so that I can come boldly before You and declare my new life and heart!

I'm sorry for my crying yesterday, for my doubting that You hear my prayers, for my despair. For feeling forgotten. None of it is true. I am sorry for the secret sins of my heart, for the sins of my mouth, for the sins of my eyes. For my vanity, for my unwilling to yield heart, for my self consumed life. Take this as my confession Lord and give me the strength, I beg and plead with You though You give it freely, to live for You.


andrew Christiansen said...

I think Every Christian knows how you feel. these have helped me in my walk with Christ.

1 Cor 10:13
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God [is] faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear [it]."

2 Peter 1:4
Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

Uriel said...

Amen, I can definitely empathize with your psalm. It seems like it's a constant wobble from "of course I'm accepted, of course God's with me" to "How could it ever be that God would be close to me? How could it be possible that He's forgiven me? Does Jesus' blood really count for me?