Saturday, March 6, 2010

Reality in the form of Caffeine.

I see reality, and I don't want to accept it. I have memories...I wish I could erase them. One cannot ignore the past. I would never have bought the plane ticket, I would never have brought life back with me. If only I could erase...
I hope for the worst, isn't that horrible? I detest my thoughts.
Oh well. Because I bought that plane ticket... will never be the same.
...friends will never be the same.
...stupid me.

Who cares about the past? Doesn't everyone just let it go?

If I could change the past I never would have taken that semester off.
Because I took that semester off...
...I will never see my dearest friend again. She moved to freakin Finland.
...I will never know if I could have learned more.
...I will never redeem my attitude.
Bible college was fleeting. If I had not skipped that semester I would not have so many of the regrets I have now. I would have changed all of my conduct. I would have more knowledge.
If I had not skipped that would be completely different.

If I had been open I would never have...
...allowed things to go on.
...been walked over.

If I had been understanding I would...
...still have a friend.

And yet I still do. Because she forgave me even though I turned her away. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, I have had no reply. But we talk on the phone often. She now has a beautiful little is good.

And though I express my thoughts differently, this is how I think.
If I had my right mind I would not write any of this, all it will do is garner doubts in those who just want to know what in the world I am referring too. Stand fast, I won't tell you what I am referring too. I would rather you not ask, it would be futile. I will not answer a message asking how I am, this is always how I am I am only voicing it in this because I can. So please...refrain.
Welcome to the life in my head:disconnected thoughts riddled with the regret of a life of jumping to conclusions and making horrible decisions.


Life is good. The hubs is good. He loves me...I love him
Still...I have a past. He doesn't (not in the same way). Does he understand? Does anyone?
Thanks a lot life...its all stupid and complicated.

I wish I could start over. Me and Michael: new place.
Knowing no one.

I could be really me.
Not all this stupidity and emotion everyone pushes on me.
I could be rid of...
I better not say.

But can we just go? Now? Before people read this blog and I again have to put out fires in the mind of over sensitive people that think the world revolves around them and their bloody sensitivities?

(and Mom, rest at ease. I am not talking about you! Don't worry yourself, I love you dearly and would never want to be rid of you. i know you will be among the first to read this and so I put this disclaimer here.)


Tammy said...

I love you, Melody. You might be surprised to know what your blog made me wasn't what you expected....but I shall refrain. :o)

E. Chikeles said...

Glad you're working through things... sorry to hear of your back. (though that coming from facebook...)

Tammy said...

You're not as cryptic as you think. ;oP

Melody said...

Well, mom I actually probably am. I bet if we were to discuss this, you would have no idea what I am talking about.

Uriel said...

We got the new place knowing no one, but it's difficult to know no one for long. And it's not very nice, either. It is helpful, I think, in getting out of ruts and relations that limit what you're allowed to think and do, and in that sense is helpful in "being me" but I think that none of us is quite as exciting as we think we are. Or at least I'm not. I bore myself half the time, even when I'm being me. Because "me" still has to work 40hrs/wk, sleep, take care of hygeine, do homework, etc... Still though, helpful is helpful no matter how you cut it, I'm just saying it's not a panacea. These are my thoughts based on just the line of your blog I *think* I understand.
May you find peace.

- Sarah :-) said...

I won't ask questions, but hope for your sake that regrets won't stay around for long. They're tiring and depressing.

And you don't strike me as a tired depressed kind of person.

But I've been missing your blog for MONTHS, so I need to hush and catch up, now. :-)