I see reality, and I don't want to accept it. I have memories...I wish I could erase them. One cannot ignore the past. I would never have bought the plane ticket, I would never have brought life back with me. If only I could erase...
I hope for the worst, isn't that horrible? I detest my thoughts.
Oh well. Because I bought that plane ticket...
...life will never be the same.
...friends will never be the same.
Who cares about the past? Doesn't everyone just let it go?
If I could change the past I never would have taken that semester off.
Because I took that semester off...
...I will never see my dearest friend again. She moved to freakin Finland.
...I will never know if I could have learned more.
...I will never redeem my attitude.
Bible college was fleeting. If I had not skipped that semester I would not have so many of the regrets I have now. I would have changed all of my conduct. I would have more knowledge.
If I had not skipped that semester...life would be completely different.
If I had been open I would never have...
...allowed things to go on.
...been walked over.
If I had been understanding I would...
...still have a friend.
And yet I still do. Because she forgave me even though I turned her away. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, I have had no reply. But we talk on the phone often. She now has a beautiful little boy...life is good.
And though I express my thoughts differently, this is how I think.
If I had my right mind I would not write any of this, all it will do is garner doubts in those who just want to know what in the world I am referring too. Stand fast, I won't tell you what I am referring too. I would rather you not ask, it would be futile. I will not answer a message asking how I am, this is always how I am I am only voicing it in this because I can. So please...refrain.
Welcome to the life in my head:disconnected thoughts riddled with the regret of a life of jumping to conclusions and making horrible decisions.
Life is good. The hubs is good. He loves me...I love him
Still...I have a past. He doesn't (not in the same way). Does he understand? Does anyone?
Thanks a lot life...its all stupid and complicated.
I wish I could start over. Me and Michael: new place.
Knowing no one.
I could be really me.
Not all this stupidity and emotion everyone pushes on me.
I could be rid of...
I better not say.
But can we just go? Now? Before people read this blog and I again have to put out fires in the mind of over sensitive people that think the world revolves around them and their bloody sensitivities?
(and Mom, rest at ease. I am not talking about you! Don't worry yourself, I love you dearly and would never want to be rid of you. i know you will be among the first to read this and so I put this disclaimer here.)