Saturday, March 6, 2010

Reality in the form of Caffeine.

I see reality, and I don't want to accept it. I have memories...I wish I could erase them. One cannot ignore the past. I would never have bought the plane ticket, I would never have brought life back with me. If only I could erase...
I hope for the worst, isn't that horrible? I detest my thoughts.
Oh well. Because I bought that plane ticket...
...life will never be the same.
...friends will never be the same.
...stupid me.

Who cares about the past? Doesn't everyone just let it go?

If I could change the past I never would have taken that semester off.
Because I took that semester off...
...I will never see my dearest friend again. She moved to freakin Finland.
...I will never know if I could have learned more.
...I will never redeem my attitude.
Bible college was fleeting. If I had not skipped that semester I would not have so many of the regrets I have now. I would have changed all of my conduct. I would have more knowledge.
If I had not skipped that semester...life would be completely different.

If I had been open I would never have...
...allowed things to go on.
...been walked over.

If I had been understanding I would...
...still have a friend.

And yet I still do. Because she forgave me even though I turned her away. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, I have had no reply. But we talk on the phone often. She now has a beautiful little boy...life is good.

And though I express my thoughts differently, this is how I think.
If I had my right mind I would not write any of this, all it will do is garner doubts in those who just want to know what in the world I am referring too. Stand fast, I won't tell you what I am referring too. I would rather you not ask, it would be futile. I will not answer a message asking how I am, this is always how I am I am only voicing it in this because I can. So please...refrain.
Welcome to the life in my head:disconnected thoughts riddled with the regret of a life of jumping to conclusions and making horrible decisions.

Still...

Life is good. The hubs is good. He loves me...I love him
Still...I have a past. He doesn't (not in the same way). Does he understand? Does anyone?
Thanks a lot life...its all stupid and complicated.

I wish I could start over. Me and Michael: new place.
Knowing no one.

I could be really me.
Not all this stupidity and emotion everyone pushes on me.
I could be rid of...
I better not say.

But can we just go? Now? Before people read this blog and I again have to put out fires in the mind of over sensitive people that think the world revolves around them and their bloody sensitivities?

(and Mom, rest at ease. I am not talking about you! Don't worry yourself, I love you dearly and would never want to be rid of you. i know you will be among the first to read this and so I put this disclaimer here.)

6 comments:

Tammy said...

I love you, Melody. You might be surprised to know what your blog made me think...it wasn't what you expected....but I shall refrain. :o)

E. Chikeles said...

Glad you're working through things... sorry to hear of your back. (though that coming from facebook...)

Tammy said...

You're not as cryptic as you think. ;oP

Melody said...

Well, mom I actually probably am. I bet if we were to discuss this, you would have no idea what I am talking about.
Melody

Uriel said...

We got the new place knowing no one, but it's difficult to know no one for long. And it's not very nice, either. It is helpful, I think, in getting out of ruts and relations that limit what you're allowed to think and do, and in that sense is helpful in "being me" but I think that none of us is quite as exciting as we think we are. Or at least I'm not. I bore myself half the time, even when I'm being me. Because "me" still has to work 40hrs/wk, sleep, take care of hygeine, do homework, etc... Still though, helpful is helpful no matter how you cut it, I'm just saying it's not a panacea. These are my thoughts based on just the line of your blog I *think* I understand.
May you find peace.

- Sarah :-) said...

I won't ask questions, but hope for your sake that regrets won't stay around for long. They're tiring and depressing.

And you don't strike me as a tired depressed kind of person.

But I've been missing your blog for MONTHS, so I need to hush and catch up, now. :-)