Learning is so exhilarating. I love the line in the Count of Monte Cristo that mentions the fact that freedom can be taken away, yet knowledge they cannot take. I really love learning about words especially, where they came from, what they really mean. There are many words that we use now that do not mean nearly what we try to have them mean. For instance, our modern slang is off the mark when it comes to using words in their proper context and this drives me slightly mad.
Take that word, mad. It means to be in a mentally altered or frenzied state. Yet we say 'I am so mad right now!' with the intention of portraying anger not insanity. Curious.
I do know I have one fan in my blogging ambitions. And so I will expound on some thoughts for the tantalization of that particular mind.
Back to the original subject of Science (how did I get on that rabbit trail?). I think if I do not get married I will just be in school for as long as possible. I would like to get degree's and pHD's and just learn and learn. Of course, I will need my nursing degree first so that I can finance this ambition, but that is a triviality. I am halfway through my nursing degree and so I consider this feasible. If I can make enough to go to a very nice private college, I would be so pleased. I dream of going to a college that is better than a Technical College or State University, but I know I could never afford that. At times I am very jealous of the opportunity my little brother has to go to such a wonderful school without worrying about paying a dime for it, but for the most part I am just very proud of him. It is hard to be to jealous when I know he deserves so much more than I do!
Although I do feel at times as though I am sitting in a room with a leaky roof, my umbrella has holes in it and my raincoat is threadbare. It seems like every time I push on a door it slams in my face and the proverbial leaky roof gets hit with a monsoon. I apply for financial aid and I get none. I work to pay off school, and my grades fall really bad. I don't work and my grades are up but I am so poor. Is it supposed to be this hard?
Last night I dreamed of sitting in the library of a beautiful University. Surrounded by books and just learning. And then I remembered...I go to a technical school. I am close to nothing in the academic world. The rain keeps coming and I keep looking up at this leaky roof just hoping it will be fixed.
I would really like to learn more, to get out into the academic world and stand for creationism and the God I know is real. I would love to have my academic career run through the mud for the sake of my Lord! How amazing would that be?
I am sure that at the time I would not think it to be quite so amazing as I think it to be now, but I am drawn to Matthew 5. Blessed are they which suffer for the name of the Lord.
So, pray that I can pull get out of this rut that is paying for college. Right now I would like to cry. I really would like to know how it feels to not worry about it for awhile. I want to go to a good school so badly! Ohh...you don't even know how badly.
At times I feel as though I am just not good enough. I mean, why do things seem to work out for other people? What is it my brother did right that I did wrong? I just want to let go and rest and sleep without this hanging over my head.
Yet, I know the Lord is good. He is so good. And even if I fail, and go into extreme debt doing so, if it is the Lord's will so be it. And if His will has nothing to do with college, then I hope that I can get that and leave it behind.
Thank you Jesus for all that you have provided! I am so blessed, yet I feel as though I have room to despair.
Forgive me Father for my despair.
'Wait on the Lord, be still, take heart and wait on the Lord.'
...because Your plan is perfect.