An early morning blog.

Or a late night blog. Both are somewhat true. I haven't yet gone to sleep so I suppose it would be a late night blog. 

Anyways. So tonight I rallied the troops and we all got together for around the world ping pong at church, egyptian roadkill, president, and to end it all some great games of mafia. Seriously, tonight was fun. We also had pizza and Mt. Dew :)

Although I enjoy these times of just getting together and laughing and having a good time I really wish that we did more. I feel as though we are a bunch of young lives that have a lot of potential but we waste it every weekend by just hanging out and having a good time. I don't know what I am waiting for really, but it is something big. Maybe my next big step towards the call God has placed on my life is becoming Michael's wife. 

I keep wondering...what if the ultimate call God has placed on my life is not to be a police officer, a paramedic, a nurse, and on the SWAT team. What if I need to give up those things, those dreams I have held on to for so long and surrender to another plan? Not necessarily a bad or lesser plan but just a different one? What if the Lord has called me to be Michael's wife. His support. A good mother who raises Godly children. Can I settle with that ultimate goal? Can I do more than settle? Can I rejoice in the awesomeness of the Lord through that? I think I can. I have to learn to let go of my pride. My pride says that I need my degree to amount to something. It says that I need to get a good job and have an earthly title. My flesh screams for it. The Word of the Lord contradicts it however. 

The Bible says to not seek earthly titles. They only "puff up" the flesh. So now I am really struggling with this. I have some of the more liberal christians out there who tell me "Oh you don't have to give up your dreams! You can still do those things and be Michael's wife!" I know this but really and truly if I go biblically, a wife stays at home. Raises her children and supports her husband. The only time a woman steps up is when there are no men to do the job. Like Deborah in Judges. She had to step in to fill the gap because there were no righteous men around. Now we can look at this and say that in the modern world it doesn't apply. Life is so different now. Does this go across the board or just for this though? Are we also supposed to not follow whatever examples seem "outdated" in the Word? 

I'm not saying that I am going to be a stay at home mom and not do anything but raise my kids for my whole life. I don't know what I will do! I am just sharing what has been going through my mind lately. I want to be obedient to the Lord and He is showing me these little tidbits the more I seek Him. The more I seek Him I come to see this path as a blessing not a curse. I am excited someday to stay at home with my kids. It is a high calling. 

I am still working out in my head and my heart the surrendering part. It is hard for me to grasp but if I can't surrender this part of my life and say "Lord, take it" then what am I? A sorry christian thats for sure. I need to surrender every single part of my life and that means even the parts I have planned and be willing for the Lord to change them. I think I am willing. I hope I am willing. 

I am excited to someday marry Michael. He hasn't quite got the memo yet but I am crazy about this guy! I know it may be a long time before it happens but I am so ready and waiting. 

Later dudes I need some sleep!

Why would a christian vote for Obama?

Forreal. Look what he stands for! 

He has proposed a bill that will increase abortion by an alarming number:

(from a news website: http://www.lifenews.com/nat4359.html )

With so much attention on the economy, one area of federal legislation that can be overlooked is abortion. An old and dangerous bill that will increase abortions by an enormous amount is being resurrected by abortion advocates: the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). H.R. 1964 and S.1173...

The U.S. Census Bureau gives us projections for 2009 of females age 15-44 in each of these states. Then it’s a simple matter of cross-referencing the number of women of childbearing age in each state with each abortion restriction, and applying Dr. New’s ratio. The grand total number of abortions reduced by these laws is 124,947.6, per year.

Even with this minimum, that’s 125,000 children that were not killed this year because we have these laws, and 125,000 children (added to the existing 1.3 million abortions) who will be killed in 2009 and every year after if FOCA is passed. FOCA is indeed a staggering expansion of abortion, both in principle and in actual lives lost.

How could a christian knowingly support the murder of so many babies you ask? 

The answer is: I don't know. 

If someone can not hold life as sacred and a better thing to vote on than our economy or gay marriage? It makes me so sad! I work all day with children. I look down at the babies I hold and wonder how someone could supported shoving a pair of scissors into their head and mashing their brains and then calling it being "pro choice". Women should have the right to choose. Choose salvation or hell. Just like everyone else. And killing your child for the sake of your own personal freedom and financial security should be a capital offense.

Caribou. Again.

I realized while typing that title that I have already titled a blog "Caribou". I must spend to much time here! Anyways...

I am here tonight doing sound techy stuff for a concert by the lovely Anna Hoffbeck. She is quite good. I think she is only 15 so in a few years she will probably be amazing. Keep your eye out for this one, she has a lot of potential. 

Oh and I am doing a concert December 12th at 7pm. Come on over if you have a chance cause it is going to be fun! I am kind of excited. Actually I just walked downstairs to get a drink and the barista (who knows my name, funny) asked me if I ever wanted to do another concert here. I said  "sure!" and she handed me the calender and I signed on the line. Good stuff. I have a lot of new songs that I am stoked about introducing too.

In other news, I have Bronchitis. I thought it was just a little cold that was going to go away but alas, my mother sent me to the doctor and it is bronchitis. My doctor is pretty cool, she makes me want to finish school. lol, I was going to finish anyways but she gave me some inspiration. And she asked me some interesting questions that I only answered with "Well I'll call you when I get married and that applies!" She laughed and then said "Well is that a possibility?" I was like.....uh.....then I started thinking and said "Yes it is a distinct possibility, I just think it will take him awhile to get the nerve to ask me." She looked surprised and happy, she has known me for a long time. She said to let me know when it happens because she was interested when I told her I was his first girlfriend and that he almost died the first time he tried to hold my hand. She laughed wide eyed at that one. 

I think it will be a long time before he gets the nerve to ask me. Hopefully it won't because of every man I have and I think I ever will meet he is the best. I can't see myself with anyone else and I just want to be with him.

So today at work this little boy who is my favorite, Tayeshawn, started to become quite attached to me. He has been growing this way for awhile but today it hit a climax. When I entered the room he ran from the other side of the room and yelled "Ama ama!" that is what he calls me, and jumped at me and latched onto my legs. So obviously I picked him up and held him for awhile. Then he pitched a fit every time he saw me because I wouldn't stop and pick him up. It tore my heart up! I just wanted to stop and hold him and make him stop crying but he is in the toddler room and I work in the preschool room. It was sad. So every time I passed by he would hold out his chubby little arms and cry for me.

Anyways. Its nice to be loved, its nice to be the only person who can make him stop crying and the only one that he wants to hold him.

Michael is still gone, and I can't talk to him.

Sad life.

Hmmmm....

A horrible thought creeped into my head today.

What if Michael does not love me the way I do him?

Ah!

Ok...breathe. I would think he does but I am so good at second guessing myself. If I don't get a text that says something nice I worry. If he doesn't call when I would hope he would I worry. He doesn't remember to do the little sweet things I so long for and it makes me think that maybe he does not feel as strongly as I do! That would be horrible!

Maybe while he is gone this week he will come up with some amazing little sweet thing to do for me when he gets home that will make me know that he loves me. But...well its the little things right. And since Sarah like number points I will do some on the little things that make me know he loves me:

#1-He is so nervous to hold my hand or hug me wrong that sometimes I can tell he is thinking each movement through while he does it. 

#2-His compliments are so genuine and most definitely not scripted, which makes it way cute. 

#3-The way he looks at me.

#4-He always wants to look strong in front of me. I love it.

#5-He tries so hard to do his hair the way he thinks I will like it. He practices.

#6-He had his mom go shopping with him to find good clothes he thought I would like.

#7-The way he puts his arm around me at church.

#8-How he always holds my hand when we pray. It is like our special time.

There are more...but right now that is what I thought of. He is my special amazing dude. Yah, I know, I have become cheesy. Oh well! 

In other news...I am cold. It is positively freezing outside! My Rabbit does not do to well in the cold, she sputters a bit and spits a big cloud of black from the exhaust. I bet I look classy in her! Well I must sleep!

Bonne Nuit!

No!

Well he gave me a hug goodbye tonight and now I won't see him for a week. I was sad! He couldn't even stay late because he has a big test tomorrow that he needs to study for! Talk about rough. I mean its just a week...

Oh well I suppose I will have to get used to it eventually. A week isn't to long but its a week without him having phone reception and no email or anything. So it will be a cold turkey week! When he gets back I am going to do a happy dance. And yes Sarah, I "like" him a lot. In fact, I love the guy. He is just so shy and reserved that he has not told me in words yet, although in actions he has loved me for a long time. And no mom, it didn't hurt. It was easy. Every other relationship I had to try to fall in love and it never worked. With Michael I was just around him and then all of a sudden he had me. I couldn't do anything about it! The Lord has been so good to me to give me the desires of my heart through Michael. 

Anyways...I have to go to bed and think about the fact that I will be ALONE (well just without Michael) for the next week. 

Sad life!

Sitting waiting wishing.

Well, how so much can transpire in merely days I do not know. And yet no day stands apart in my mind as being significant above another. This life is so strange. 

Michael is leaving Thursday and I won't see him for 6 days. Its strange because it will be the longest we have gone without seeing each other since we started dating in August! Now I don't like to dredge up the past but I have too. When I dated Caleb we had about 1/3 of our relationship (all in all I think it was about 4 months long and we saw each other for 2.5 months) long distance. 2000 miles long distance, and yet I was fine. Sure it was hard because after our talks there was no hug and no anything special to say goodbye with other than "Goodbye", but when our relationship ended I was happy that we had been apart and that I could step back and realize how much we so definitely did not fit together. Even when he was here I longed for alone time and wished he could find friends so I could have girl time or anytime! Not saying he is a bad guy, just not right for me. This is all a precurser to be able to say that I am really dreading Michael going away for only a few days. Honestly, I usually like it when people leave. I like having alone time and not entertaining people or pushing activities and conversation so this is a new emotion for me. Its hard! I almost think it would be easier if he were going far away for a long time then going 200 miles away for a short time. There is a certain mysterious romance in a long distance...a constant looking forward to the next meeting and every cherished conversation. Yet, when someone travels not too far and for not too long, one looks rather stupid to be down about it. 

So over all here is my conclusion: 

#1-Long distance relationships are hard yes...but I kind of miss the mystery of it.

#2-Short term long distance sucks.

#3-Michael is the most amazing man EVER!

#4-I don't know why I made number points but I wanted too.

I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that I absolutely adore Michael. I guess its a good thing, but seriously, I am not used to falling for someone. After the men (and don't take this as an arrogant thing, more of a thing said in the way Jane from "Becoming Jane" screams "Aren't there any other women in Hartfordshire!" esque) who have fallen for me, and there have been far too many which shows that men are somewhat out of their minds these days, I feel almost silly for falling for one of their kind! Nevertheless he has bewitched me body and soul. Hopefully he feels the same! 

Oh and I got my wishes in him!

(more number points...in no particular order other than the first one)

#1-He is a Godly man

#2-He is a manly man! (I really can't stand girly drama queen men! Michael is a man's man, steak, potatoes, and a gun.)

#3-He likes to look nice, but doesn't obsess over it.

#4-We have good conversation.

#5-He is active and has hobbies beyond me, us, and our future! (This has been a problem in the past, I can't stand tunnel vision because then when the path widens they don't know what to do!)

#6-He is a strong man.

#7-I have never seen him lose a fight, and even though his younger brother is taller and looks stronger, he can't beat Michael in anything (except for running, but Michael sprained his ankle in a car accident last summer...) I love that!

#8-He lets me do his hair.

#9-He feels strongly about politics but he isn't a snob.

#10-He knows how to make things in a woodshop and can do manual labor.

#11-He would be a missionary if he felt the Lord was calling him to it.

#12-I could go on and on but I doubt any of you care.

#13-Number twelve barely even counts as a valid bullet point yet you kept reading?

Anyways. I have to get up early for work tomorrow, and I am sick so I should sleep.

I hope you like my new layout and peace be upon you!

Hurts.

It does.

Thoughts.

I am sitting in the nap room at day care listening to the sounds of little breaths and snores. It is relaxing. 

It has been a rough weekend. A friend died Tuesday and was laid to rest Saturday which was hard. Not so much because the friend was a best buddy but because I am very close to other people who were close to him and it hurts to see my friends cry. It was trying. 

Sunday was bad too. Michael was sick, and I found myself getting mad at him for being sick. I can't explain it, I am a stupid girl. My sister and I are far too alike. There was a square dance on Sunday night and I really really wanted to go. I don't know why, but I really really wanted Michael to go too. Its the stupid little things that get you down. Somehow it got into my head that he didn't want to go, not that he was sick. Oh well, I soon got over that and realized I was being stupid and selfish. 

Holli and I got to talk a lot which was a huge blessing. We never get to talk anymore, and we both have had a lot to talk about recently. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he is a pin head and a fruitcake that doesn't realize when something good hit him in the face. He didn't deserve her anyways. 

Halfway through my conversation with Holli on sunday night, a ghost from my past gave me a call. "Ghost" is always there when things in my mind get sketchy. I don't know why either. Michael couldn't come to the square dance because he was sick and I should have been more understanding. But instead...I got angry and wanted him to come. Then it came into my mind that he just didn't want to come. Then "Ghost" called me. It then came into my mind that "Ghost" had always been romantic and made me feel so beautiful and loved. Then I thought of Michael sitting at home. It was like a tug of war in my head...I wanted to go back to being with Ghost because it was easier and he was so persistent. But in the long run I know Michael is there for me, even if he doesn't think of the little romantic things that Ghost did. Those fade right? 

Michael took me to go see the movie "Fireproof" and it really rang true to me. The wife in that story is drawn away by a doctor who promises romance and excitement. He makes her feel loved and fills that missing piece of emotion in her life. I think guys don't understand just how real that is. All it takes is a moment where we feel (or is it just me?) unloved or unwanted and we want to turn to something that will offer those things. I know Michael cares for me but he doesn't show it, well few and far between. And then Ghost comes calling and offers those things. The excitement, the romance, the thrill of emotion. I know Ghost is not someone I can turn to reliably. He has turned on me so many times and lied to me. I used to want only him but I was lied to far to many times and I let him go. When I let him go a wonderful man, Michael, came into my life within weeks. And things get rocky in my head and lo and behold here comes Ghost. 

I want to be with Michael forever, but I can't live without passion and romance and at least some sort of emotion. I am, as I told my sister, far to much like Maryanne Dashwood (Sense and Sensibility) to live without passion. It seems like as soon as the promise of emotion is gone I look for it somewhere else. Ladies who read such as Sarah, Elisabeth and Malia, give me some input. Am I alone in getting distracted by things that look romantic and sound promising when the romance is gone from my life? 

I still stand by Michael, he is the one for me. But I hope he gets the memo soon enough that a girl cannot live without emotion. Thanks for reading girls (and possibly Judah) its nice to know people care :)