Saturday, March 14, 2009


My last two posts in order were Love and often the two can coincide. Should they though? Was it rightly said that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? Leaving Caleb's burial today I couldn't hold it together because I watched his mom the whole time and she was singing hymns and praises while they were shoveling the dirt on his grave...she was smiling. I was stricken. How can I be so selfish when it is not I who have lost in the first place?

I walked away in tears wanting to run and just sob because I could only picture myself standing over the grave of my child someday not being able to praise the way she was. It was hard. I don't want to have a child because then I have the possibility of losing it. Its just to hard! How does one come to terms with this? How did Sue look at the heavens and say "the Lord gives and the Lord has taken, blessed be the name of the Lord" just as Job did so long ago? 

Questions without answers save for one place...the word of the Lord and the comfort of His Son's love. I can't explain why this has me so stricken but I just can't shake it. I thank the Lord that He brought me and Michael together that I could be there to support him in this time, that I could witness a family like the Szajner's and all the cousins and be so blessed. To see a closeness and love of the Lord that is not often seen expecially in the midst of such trials. 

Oh Lord give me the strength to serve You, to praise You even if you take away. Especially when You take away. I love You Lord, please help me to live it. 

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