A watched pot never boils...

One has heard this cliché saying probably too many times to count and yet it is not true in the slightest. I was thinking as I was waiting for my nighttime tea a few minutes ago (I drink decaffeinated mint or wellness tea before bed on many nights) and it hit me: even a watched pot boils. Now I know you dear reader are well acquainted with this fact and it has probably never struck you as hard as it did me. You put water in a pot, place heat underneath and it boils. I saw this happening in front of me and in my head an analogy was drawing itself together.

The reason, it seems, that a watched pot never boils is because all of the energy and focus is on the watching. No other actions are occupying the watcher. Not preparing the tea, setting a table, reading a book. The action is consumed with simply watching. Were there to be other actions such as previously mentioned the time would not be consumed by one act that is not tantalizing to the mind or able to distract. The pot will still boil in the same amount of time whether watched or not however if, while in the waiting, one places focus in another direction the pot seems to boil in no time at all.

Could this be true in all life? Does it seem true that when one is waiting to find “the right one” or to fall hopelessly in love, the love does not come? It is when you are least expecting it. When your focus is off of the one thing you are waiting for without truly forgetting you are still waiting for it, time ticks on by.

Think of it this way: we all have character flaws. I, having many, will share with you one. I often live in doubt. I doubt that I am truly loved. I doubt that my friends actually like me. I doubt that my coworkers really mean the nice things they say. I doubt my husband actually means it when he says I am not fat and that I am beautiful. I doubt when people say they like my outfit, the way I decorate my house, that they like my singing, and so on. Most of all, and it is a shame to say, I doubt the Lord. I doubt that I am truly His beloved. I doubt that He truly fogets my sins the second I commit them. I doubt, at times, that the words of the bible are true.

This character flaw of mine is a hard one to face, yet as a watched pot, it will boil in time. Let me explain: if my sole focus on enhancing my person and my walk with the Lord is to not doubt, I do not think I will get very far. I may end up somewhere eventually but the process would be grueling if my daily walk was “you fool! Stop doubting! Just BELIEVE why don’t you!” Instead, I focus on living the truth whether I feel it or not. I still worship the Lord, I still study His word, I still try to live with right action honoring to His name. I can walk in confidence knowing that everyday in confidence whittles away the doubt inside of me.

So, you see, by not watching the simmering pot of doubt it can seemingly boil faster into something usable. Lukewarm water never does any good, does it? That is what I learned while making my pot of tea before bed.

Reality in the form of Caffeine.

I see reality, and I don't want to accept it. I have memories...I wish I could erase them. One cannot ignore the past. I would never have bought the plane ticket, I would never have brought life back with me. If only I could erase...
I hope for the worst, isn't that horrible? I detest my thoughts.
Oh well. Because I bought that plane ticket...
...life will never be the same.
...friends will never be the same.
...stupid me.

Who cares about the past? Doesn't everyone just let it go?

If I could change the past I never would have taken that semester off.
Because I took that semester off...
...I will never see my dearest friend again. She moved to freakin Finland.
...I will never know if I could have learned more.
...I will never redeem my attitude.
Bible college was fleeting. If I had not skipped that semester I would not have so many of the regrets I have now. I would have changed all of my conduct. I would have more knowledge.
If I had not skipped that semester...life would be completely different.

If I had been open I would never have...
...allowed things to go on.
...been walked over.

If I had been understanding I would...
...still have a friend.

And yet I still do. Because she forgave me even though I turned her away. I wrote her a letter saying sorry, I have had no reply. But we talk on the phone often. She now has a beautiful little boy...life is good.

And though I express my thoughts differently, this is how I think.
If I had my right mind I would not write any of this, all it will do is garner doubts in those who just want to know what in the world I am referring too. Stand fast, I won't tell you what I am referring too. I would rather you not ask, it would be futile. I will not answer a message asking how I am, this is always how I am I am only voicing it in this because I can. So please...refrain.
Welcome to the life in my head:disconnected thoughts riddled with the regret of a life of jumping to conclusions and making horrible decisions.

Still...

Life is good. The hubs is good. He loves me...I love him
Still...I have a past. He doesn't (not in the same way). Does he understand? Does anyone?
Thanks a lot life...its all stupid and complicated.

I wish I could start over. Me and Michael: new place.
Knowing no one.

I could be really me.
Not all this stupidity and emotion everyone pushes on me.
I could be rid of...
I better not say.

But can we just go? Now? Before people read this blog and I again have to put out fires in the mind of over sensitive people that think the world revolves around them and their bloody sensitivities?

(and Mom, rest at ease. I am not talking about you! Don't worry yourself, I love you dearly and would never want to be rid of you. i know you will be among the first to read this and so I put this disclaimer here.)