Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Changes.

So things change, they inevitably do. I am glad for change. At the same time I always miss what was behind. Remembering things just makes my head hurt. Thinking of instances where I could have done one thing but I did the other, and if I had done the one thing and not the other would I be where I am today or would it all be different?

The random occurrence or chance encounter theory is strange but what it? What if God's plan is tailored to what we do because He has the foreknowledge to compensate for however we may mess it up with our free will. I will give an example of one thing that came to mind as perplexing. Is it chance or providence?

If I had not gone out to California on a cheap ticket to visit my friend Rachel, so many things would be different right now. I wanted to see her but I was also trying to get a glimpse of a guy who I was obsessing over because he had convinced me he loved me and then left me with no explanation. I thought if I went out there somehow he would want me back, he would see me and realized how stupid he had been. Alas, (and thank God!) he did not notice. He saw me and turned quite pale, stopped dead in his track for a minute and just stared at me, then walked away very awkwardly glancing over his shoulder periodically as I stood like a stunned glob in the middle of the road between the dorms and the lunch room. That was all I saw of him. But not all I saw of someone else who caught my eye...

So I have never been the type to go after a guy (well other than the one mentioned above...). If I liked him I would sit and hope and pray that he would like me and come after me! Beyond that I just daydreamed of my knight in shining armor riding to sweep me off my feet. Well all this being said when I was on this trip a guy did come after me. I was a little wary at first but for some reason I was stuck on him. We had fun together, he asked me out on a date and we went to In-N-Out burger and thrift store shopping. He drove me to the airport when I left and then three days later called me and told me he thought I was the most amazing girl in the world and that he had never felt like this about a girl. Four weeks after that he moved from California to Red Wing to be near me. Wow. While I was in Cali I thought he was charming, a bit forward but charming. He wrote me the best love letters detailing why he thought I was the most amazing girl ever and he would call and leave me these voicemails while I was at work that were very sweet. He sent me flowers long distance and surprised me often. All of this and I still wasn't won by him! I was flattered to say the least and a little swept away in the romance of it all but really, I wasn't sure I liked him. 

I am a pretty tough girl and he came out here having never shot a gun, never driven a tractor, stuff like that. After about a week I knew it wouldn't work but for some reason he thought he fell in love with me and so we stayed together until September (we started dating in May). It was weird. I thought that was how it was supposed to be, that I would grow to love him in time but I never did. I was always talking about the military and he said he could care less about it (surprise surprise 3 days after we broke up he joined the Army...but its not connected with me he said :) that no one had been in the military in his family and he just wasn't about that. Oh well I thought, I will learn to love and respect him even though we value different things. To his credit he treated me like a queen. Always taking me out on creative dates and always writing me love letters and bringing me flowers or something like that. All this romance and yet my heart was not moved. 

So I broke it off. He was devastated and I was devastated for having hurt him. I was also overjoyed at the amazing feeling of liberty that I felt after having let go of a relationship that I knew was not right. I was torn, I didn't want him to hurt but I didn't want to be in a relationship that I was not in love in. So I wonder...was I ever supposed to love him? Would I have loved him had circumstances been different or was it just not meant to be? 

If I had not gone out on that trip to see another guy I would not have met him. Had Caleb not fallen for me and moved to Minnesota I would not have discovered that I didn't actually like him. Had he not came to Minnesota he would never have met any of my friends including Bekah whom he is now dating. So if I had not gotten a crazy good deal on airfare would Bekah and I have had all the issues we had this year after her and Caleb precariously started dating or would we have had the issues anyways and another catalyst would have brought them to light? If they break up am I somehow responsible for the heartache because they would have never known of each other's existence had I not wanted to go see a guy I fell for at Bible College. Oh its enough to make ones head swim. 

Now I look at Michael. I dated Cliff, I fell for a guy (who shall remain nameless though one reader knows who it is...), I dated Caleb. All the while I knew Michael and thought nothing of him. Could I have been spared all the heartache of the above men or was it meant to be to make me notice Michael? Would I have noticed him I wonder?

I sometimes think that it would have been way better if I had just never dated anyone before Michael but then sometimes I think that I needed to have dated them in order to be who I am today. Ugh. At least I won in the end by getting the best guy ever. So what if Caleb wrote me love letters with fancy words and paper, so what if Cliff sent me flowers and unnamed guy wrote me a song. They didn't love me this way. Michael prays with me, he studies the word with me, he is ready to be with me exclusively for the rest of our lives. I am the only girl he has ever dated, the only girl he has ever loved. He has saved all of himself heart and soul for me. No other guy I dated could boast that. 

Plus I didn't love any other guy. I can't explain why I love Michael but I do. I have never loved another guy before, I have liked but never loved. I have been flattered by guys with a more romantic disposition but never felt prettier than when Michael tells me I am beautiful. He is the best. I am so glad the Lord has orchestrated our lives so that they have been intertwined. 

All of this talk of chance and what ifs just makes me tired. Its a crazy thing to think about though isn't it?

What if?

5 comments:

Malia Marie said...

I know who you feel for! muahahhahahaha...lol Sorry, I had to pull out the dork card.

Melody said...

LOL I KNEW you would be the first to comment! Its so true though, he broke my lil heart! But now its all good :) I definitely won.

Uriel said...

We were just listening to "The Hiding Place" the other day, and this post reminds me of what Papa Ten-Boom said after a piece of shrapnel fell through their roof and smashed into Corrie's bed, where she would've been laying if she hadn't been watching peter hiding the radio in the stairwell: "There are no 'if's in God's kingdom, Corrie".

Melody said...

A wise word my friend.

Malia Marie said...

Okay so my response is late...but YES, Melody...You DEFINITELY won...No doubt about it. God is good...