Coinciding.

My last two posts in order were Love and Grief...how often the two can coincide. Should they though? Was it rightly said that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? Leaving Caleb's burial today I couldn't hold it together because I watched his mom the whole time and she was singing hymns and praises while they were shoveling the dirt on his grave...she was smiling. I was stricken. How can I be so selfish when it is not I who have lost in the first place?

I walked away in tears wanting to run and just sob because I could only picture myself standing over the grave of my child someday not being able to praise the way she was. It was hard. I don't want to have a child because then I have the possibility of losing it. Its just to hard! How does one come to terms with this? How did Sue look at the heavens and say "the Lord gives and the Lord has taken, blessed be the name of the Lord" just as Job did so long ago? 

Questions without answers save for one place...the word of the Lord and the comfort of His Son's love. I can't explain why this has me so stricken but I just can't shake it. I thank the Lord that He brought me and Michael together that I could be there to support him in this time, that I could witness a family like the Szajner's and all the cousins and be so blessed. To see a closeness and love of the Lord that is not often seen expecially in the midst of such trials. 

Oh Lord give me the strength to serve You, to praise You even if you take away. Especially when You take away. I love You Lord, please help me to live it. 

Grief.

It has been a hard couple of days. I have opened up this window a number of times and not been able to post anything because I can't start the words coming. 

A friend died. He was a friend to me but a cousin and friend to Michael, they were close. I'm having a hard time with the whole life and death and how it comes and goes in an instant with no warning. It's been a rough week...that coupled with stuff I've seen and heard in the ER just has had me torn up this week. I will write more later. 

Love :)

My ode to Michael! Don't read if you get sick easily, its pretty cheesy.

How could I love someone as much as I love you? Oh I don't know. It just is nonsensical to imagine.

How could I feel so loved as I do when you have your arms around me? It isn't possible. Has anyone been more loved? 

The only relationship that could ever be above the one we have is that of the Lord, yet His love is not evident in such a tangible way. Is that why He gave you to me? To show me tangibly the love He possesses? To give me a slight breeze of the reality of His rushing wind? That seems possible, my love. I believe it to be so. 

0145

Getting off work at this time in the morning is strange. When I am done I don't feel the least bit tired and always get a lot done on the computer, mainly photo editing and writing stuff. I wish I was tired but when I go to bed I stare at the dark ceiling for an hour or two before I can get to sleep. ???

So instead I am exhausted for work at my other job which I have to be at by 0900.  So now what?

Changes.

So things change, they inevitably do. I am glad for change. At the same time I always miss what was behind. Remembering things just makes my head hurt. Thinking of instances where I could have done one thing but I did the other, and if I had done the one thing and not the other would I be where I am today or would it all be different?

The random occurrence or chance encounter theory is strange but what it? What if God's plan is tailored to what we do because He has the foreknowledge to compensate for however we may mess it up with our free will. I will give an example of one thing that came to mind as perplexing. Is it chance or providence?

If I had not gone out to California on a cheap ticket to visit my friend Rachel, so many things would be different right now. I wanted to see her but I was also trying to get a glimpse of a guy who I was obsessing over because he had convinced me he loved me and then left me with no explanation. I thought if I went out there somehow he would want me back, he would see me and realized how stupid he had been. Alas, (and thank God!) he did not notice. He saw me and turned quite pale, stopped dead in his track for a minute and just stared at me, then walked away very awkwardly glancing over his shoulder periodically as I stood like a stunned glob in the middle of the road between the dorms and the lunch room. That was all I saw of him. But not all I saw of someone else who caught my eye...

So I have never been the type to go after a guy (well other than the one mentioned above...). If I liked him I would sit and hope and pray that he would like me and come after me! Beyond that I just daydreamed of my knight in shining armor riding to sweep me off my feet. Well all this being said when I was on this trip a guy did come after me. I was a little wary at first but for some reason I was stuck on him. We had fun together, he asked me out on a date and we went to In-N-Out burger and thrift store shopping. He drove me to the airport when I left and then three days later called me and told me he thought I was the most amazing girl in the world and that he had never felt like this about a girl. Four weeks after that he moved from California to Red Wing to be near me. Wow. While I was in Cali I thought he was charming, a bit forward but charming. He wrote me the best love letters detailing why he thought I was the most amazing girl ever and he would call and leave me these voicemails while I was at work that were very sweet. He sent me flowers long distance and surprised me often. All of this and I still wasn't won by him! I was flattered to say the least and a little swept away in the romance of it all but really, I wasn't sure I liked him. 

I am a pretty tough girl and he came out here having never shot a gun, never driven a tractor, stuff like that. After about a week I knew it wouldn't work but for some reason he thought he fell in love with me and so we stayed together until September (we started dating in May). It was weird. I thought that was how it was supposed to be, that I would grow to love him in time but I never did. I was always talking about the military and he said he could care less about it (surprise surprise 3 days after we broke up he joined the Army...but its not connected with me he said :) that no one had been in the military in his family and he just wasn't about that. Oh well I thought, I will learn to love and respect him even though we value different things. To his credit he treated me like a queen. Always taking me out on creative dates and always writing me love letters and bringing me flowers or something like that. All this romance and yet my heart was not moved. 

So I broke it off. He was devastated and I was devastated for having hurt him. I was also overjoyed at the amazing feeling of liberty that I felt after having let go of a relationship that I knew was not right. I was torn, I didn't want him to hurt but I didn't want to be in a relationship that I was not in love in. So I wonder...was I ever supposed to love him? Would I have loved him had circumstances been different or was it just not meant to be? 

If I had not gone out on that trip to see another guy I would not have met him. Had Caleb not fallen for me and moved to Minnesota I would not have discovered that I didn't actually like him. Had he not came to Minnesota he would never have met any of my friends including Bekah whom he is now dating. So if I had not gotten a crazy good deal on airfare would Bekah and I have had all the issues we had this year after her and Caleb precariously started dating or would we have had the issues anyways and another catalyst would have brought them to light? If they break up am I somehow responsible for the heartache because they would have never known of each other's existence had I not wanted to go see a guy I fell for at Bible College. Oh its enough to make ones head swim. 

Now I look at Michael. I dated Cliff, I fell for a guy (who shall remain nameless though one reader knows who it is...), I dated Caleb. All the while I knew Michael and thought nothing of him. Could I have been spared all the heartache of the above men or was it meant to be to make me notice Michael? Would I have noticed him I wonder?

I sometimes think that it would have been way better if I had just never dated anyone before Michael but then sometimes I think that I needed to have dated them in order to be who I am today. Ugh. At least I won in the end by getting the best guy ever. So what if Caleb wrote me love letters with fancy words and paper, so what if Cliff sent me flowers and unnamed guy wrote me a song. They didn't love me this way. Michael prays with me, he studies the word with me, he is ready to be with me exclusively for the rest of our lives. I am the only girl he has ever dated, the only girl he has ever loved. He has saved all of himself heart and soul for me. No other guy I dated could boast that. 

Plus I didn't love any other guy. I can't explain why I love Michael but I do. I have never loved another guy before, I have liked but never loved. I have been flattered by guys with a more romantic disposition but never felt prettier than when Michael tells me I am beautiful. He is the best. I am so glad the Lord has orchestrated our lives so that they have been intertwined. 

All of this talk of chance and what ifs just makes me tired. Its a crazy thing to think about though isn't it?

What if?

My love.

My Utmost for HIS Highest.

So this week I decided that I wanted to focus on the Lord more and less on just sitting worthlessly on my computer. So on Monday I changed my homepage from facebook to My Utmost for His Highest daily reading. And instead of just clicking the link for gmail or facebook right when the page loaded I stopped to read the daily passage and have been very encouraged. The link is here:http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php

I had been feeling lately that I have lost my love for the Lord. I know it is because of a lack of effort on my part. So in an attempt to reestablish contact with my dear Savior that I have put on the back burner, I did this simple act. This is the reading for today, I was very blessed to read it and so convicted. I hope you enjoy it too!

If what we call love doesn’t take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love. If we have the idea that love is characterized as cautious, wise, sensible, shrewd, and never taken to extremes, we have missed the true meaning. This may describe affection and it may bring us a warm feeling, but it is not a true and accurate description of love.

Have you ever been driven to do something for God not because you felt that it was useful or your duty to do so, or that there was anything in it for you, but simply because you love Him? Have you ever realized that you can give things to God that are of value to Him? Or are you just sitting around daydreaming about the greatness of His redemption, while neglecting all the things you could be doing for Him? I’m not referring to works which could be regarded as divine and miraculous, but ordinary, simple human things— things which would be evidence to God that you are totally surrendered to Him. Have you ever created what Mary of Bethany created in the heart of the Lord Jesus? "She has done a good work for Me."

There are times when it seems as if God watches to see if we will give Him even small gifts of surrender, just to show how genuine our love is for Him. To be surrendered to God is of more value than our personal holiness. Concern over our personal holiness causes us to focus our eyes on ourselves, and we become overly concerned about the way we walk and talk and look, out of fear of offending God. ". . . but perfect love casts out fear . . ." once we are surrendered to God ( 1 John 4:18 ). We should quit asking ourselves, "Am I of any use?" and accept the truth that we really are not of much use to Him. The issue is never of being of use, but of being of value to God Himself. Once we are totally surrendered to God, He will work through us all the time.