Coinciding.

My last two posts in order were Love and Grief...how often the two can coincide. Should they though? Was it rightly said that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? Leaving Caleb's burial today I couldn't hold it together because I watched his mom the whole time and she was singing hymns and praises while they were shoveling the dirt on his grave...she was smiling. I was stricken. How can I be so selfish when it is not I who have lost in the first place?

I walked away in tears wanting to run and just sob because I could only picture myself standing over the grave of my child someday not being able to praise the way she was. It was hard. I don't want to have a child because then I have the possibility of losing it. Its just to hard! How does one come to terms with this? How did Sue look at the heavens and say "the Lord gives and the Lord has taken, blessed be the name of the Lord" just as Job did so long ago? 

Questions without answers save for one place...the word of the Lord and the comfort of His Son's love. I can't explain why this has me so stricken but I just can't shake it. I thank the Lord that He brought me and Michael together that I could be there to support him in this time, that I could witness a family like the Szajner's and all the cousins and be so blessed. To see a closeness and love of the Lord that is not often seen expecially in the midst of such trials. 

Oh Lord give me the strength to serve You, to praise You even if you take away. Especially when You take away. I love You Lord, please help me to live it. 

γνώση=εξουσία πάνω σε νους

Knowledge: Power over the mind

Oh my Lord, knowledge is to much for me!

At times I wish I could go back to the time when I did not know things. When I could simply believe that God was God because it was obvious. When I didn't know people were going to hell.

At this moment people are dying and going to spend an eternity in hell, the epitome of suffering and despair! This knowledge is to much and it overwhelms me! How can a feeble mind such as my own comprehend or even dwell on such a subject without succumbing to madness?

And then I remember, God desires all to know Him. He has made a way for all to come to Him, and these people believe that they are above that way. Oh Lord I would intercede and pray that you would soften their hearts! That they would be won over by your gentle wooing of the soul! That they could experience this wonderful fullness of Your love!

Oh my Lord, my Love. Thank you for giving me this salvation. Thank you that I can wake without dread, without terror. That as a drift to sleep I can hear you whispering Your love in my ear. That I can feel you all around showing me daily that you Love me and that You, the Awesome Creator of the universe desire me! How can this be!

Lord help me to truly desire you and seek after you even a fraction of the way that you seek after and desire me. Why you seek me, why you would desire this heart, I do not know nor pretend to be worthy of. Nonetheless, I am overcome by it.

Oh my Lord, my Love. I desire to please you! I desire to be in Your presence, Oh if You would continue to reveal yourself and Your loving nature to me new every morning! How can I despair when there is so much love? When I am loved in such a romance, such a wonderful romance as no novel can contain! 

I thank You my Love that you promise me no more tears! That you have written in Your letter to me (and all the world) that there will be a day when we will be with you without the barrier of this flesh, when we will be with you forever without the thought of sin. I cannot comprehend what it will be like to not have to watch my back, to not have a need to distrust, to be wary. All I will do is love and be loved and sing praises to my Love who is most worthy!

At times I am jealous, wishing that I could have You to myself. And then I realize, you are the Climax, love can not get any greater than the love that you have, the love that you give. I know you can not love anyone more than you love me (nor can you love me more than you love every one) because your love cannot get any greater; it is already the greatest thing there is! You love every person with a love so perfect, so great that it cannot get any grander! Oh my Lord this is wonderful!

I thank You, my Lord and my Love for this romance! 

And Lord, at the end of this letter, my mind is settled. I know that those who go to Hell have only chosen that way willingly. My only sadness is not that they are in suffering, but that they missed out on You and Your wonderful offer of romance.