I think my brain is calling...

Wow. Thats all I can say about life right now.

So here are some of my realizations.

I have come to realize that while I enjoy the swimming, the whole carnality of vacation really gets to me. We get all geared up to spend an entire week just pleasing ourselves, spending lots of money, getting new clothes. Its so self centered. I realized when I went shopping the day before we left that I was so focused on myself I had forgotten that the sole purpose of my life really isn't to please myself. Its to spread the glory of the Lord. I can't just take a break from that and focus on myself for a week. I guess you can say "you could be focusing on the Lord, taking a break and spending time with Him." I am trying to do that but when you are on a schedule that revolves around your pleasure, it is a hard thing to do. I thank God for the beauty I see but all around me I see emptiness. I see so much carnality that is brushed off as "vacation."

I was thinking about this with my swimsuit. Sounds stupid but its true. So I worked hard to get to wear this swimsuit, went tanning 5 whole times and did a couple of weeks of dieting to try and down size the hips (didn't work to well...) but I did it because I wanted to look good and be comfortable in my new swimsuit. You see my whole life I have worn a one piece swimsuit. I am just more comfortable in a one piece, it seems more functionable. In Florida however, wearing a one piece makes you stand out. Wearing a two piece makes you blend in. I choose a modest one, no little strings or anything and wore it with some O'Neill board shorts that came down to just above my knees, I asked my dad and my brother and they both said it was ok. Yet I still felt uncomfortable and then when I stepped back and thought about it I realized why. I was so focused on myself. It could have been a full length burka and if I had the heart I had while wearing it it would have been no good. I mean I was so concerned about getting a tan and stuff on the beach that I had forgotten my purpose. I can never forget my purpose. Does any of this make sense? 

So I am not going to wear that suit anymore. Not because I thought it was immodest or because anyone told me not too, just because it feels like something as trivial and stupid as that detracts my vision from the Lord. Anything that does that shouldn't be aloud to stay in my life. 

Oh and here is another thought for the boys out there. You know what? Modesty goes two ways. Why is it we women have to worry constantly about our clothes and being modest when I bet you a guy never, or rarely if ever, looks in the mirror and asks himself if his clothing is modest. Shirts? I see a lot of em too tight and too small. Pants? Guys, where em looser. Shorts? Ok boys when your on the beach we don't want to see your bottom. Pull em up, tie em tighter. Don't think you can run around everywhere with your shirt off and then get "mad" at your christian sister's who wear a bikini or swimsuit just around. You know that girls have a lot of the same struggles guys have but none of you seem to care. Sometimes it stinks being a girl because I don't only have to worry about what I wear as far as looking good, I have to worry about being modest too. I like being modest, I get very uncomfortable when I feel like my body is at all exposed. But still, it would be nice if it went a little both ways. 

Anyways that was my probably unnecessary little soapbox but talking to Michael on the phone last night it hit me how insanely much it bothers me that I have to worry about modesty and what I wear and he doesn't. I wanted to scream. 

But back to the main point of this blog. 

I am trying to learn a balance of focusing on the Lord and pleasing myself. By pleasing myself I mean the food I eat, the clothes I wear, the music I listen too, the company I keep, how much I work. Where is the line that I need to be concerned about? How much is to much as far as doing the things I want to do? I wish I could hear the Lord giving me advice at every decision for how to walk according to Him. I know I choose the 'me' route far to often. I do all the time. UGH! I hate the flesh battling against the spirit. I just wish I was able to conquer. I know I can't...but I wish I could just completely shed my sin nature and not desire it an ounce. How to do that?

This is a devotion that just happened to be the Utmost for His Highest for yesterday. I couldn't have picked better timing. 

The natural man, or unbeliever, knows nothing about carnality. The desires of the flesh warring against the Spirit, and the Spirit warring against the flesh, which began at rebirth, are what produce carnality and the awareness of it. But Paul said, "Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh" ( Galatians 5:16  ). In other words, carnality will disappear.

Are you quarrelsome and easily upset over small things? Do you think that no one who is a Christian is ever like that? Paul said they are, and he connected these attitudes with carnality. Is there a truth in the Bible that instantly awakens a spirit of malice or resentment in you? If so, that is proof that you are still carnal. If the process of sanctification is continuing in your life, there will be no trace of that kind of spirit remaining.

If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He doesn’t ask you to make it right; He only asks you to accept the light of truth, and then He will make it right. A child of the light will confess sin instantly and stand completely open before God. But a child of the darkness will say, "Oh, I can explain that." When the light shines and the Spirit brings conviction of sin, be a child of the light. Confess your wrongdoing, and God will deal with it. If, however, you try to vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.

What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone you will know it-it is the most real thing you can imagine. And God will see to it that you have a number of opportunities to prove to yourself the miracle of His grace. The proof is in a very practical test. You will find yourself saying, "If this had happened before, I would have had the spirit of resentment!" And you will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

SO here I am...

Yep I'm in Florida. On vacation. I have been having some revelations though and when I have time to share them I will. Until then I am going to go get food and go to the beach. :)

Oh life...

Tis a wonderous thing. Working in the field I do I get to witness day in and out how blessed I am and my family is. How is it, I wonder, that God chooses to bestow blessings? That some walk around (or wheel around, or don't go around at all) on oxygen their whole lives with a feeding tube and zero comprehension while others can compete in the Olympics? How one 95 year old woman can fall over and tell me she was in a boxing match but she thinks its time to take up something a little less agressive and try wrestling. She can be so spry and witty while in the next room a 40 year old is degenerating from MS? I am so glad that the Lord is the Lord and omniscient and that I don't have to make these decisions. I am glad to know that the Creator has a plan that will ultimately bring justice and peace.

Anyways...

I saw someone come in today who had a certain type of traumatic accident a few years ago that left them in a basically unresponsive state. Body shriveling up and eyes staring into nowhere. It was a traumatic head injury and made me think maybe it is better that Caleb died then live like that. He was so active and that would have killed him more than anything. I wonder if people in that state can understand what they are missing or if the Lord blesses them with a 5 second memory, amnesia of their lives before and no ambitions beyond the next minute. I mean that may sound cruel but think of it: it would be a blessing. If I, with my mind the way it is now, were to be in that state my brain would be the thing that would kill me. I would rather my brain be gone and me not be myself than anything else. I know Caleb would have felt the same so it is a comfort. Instead of having a feeding tube he is dancing unrestrained before his Creator whom he lived to serve.

In other news...
I am trying to find health insurance for Michael and I. I realized yesterday that we do need it. You see the thing about accidents and emergencies is that you really don't know when they are coming. I hear stories of people who were doing the most unlikely things when they got hurt and landed in the ER. I mean things like gathering wood for the fire, walking to the car, climbing the stairs. And I'm not talking old and decrepid people either. I don't want to get stuck being afraid of coming to the Doctor if we need it because we can't afford it. So if you would pray that we find good rates and get well insured, I would appreciate it.

:)

A new day...

It's sunny out. I'm having a good day :)

Coinciding.

My last two posts in order were Love and Grief...how often the two can coincide. Should they though? Was it rightly said that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? Leaving Caleb's burial today I couldn't hold it together because I watched his mom the whole time and she was singing hymns and praises while they were shoveling the dirt on his grave...she was smiling. I was stricken. How can I be so selfish when it is not I who have lost in the first place?

I walked away in tears wanting to run and just sob because I could only picture myself standing over the grave of my child someday not being able to praise the way she was. It was hard. I don't want to have a child because then I have the possibility of losing it. Its just to hard! How does one come to terms with this? How did Sue look at the heavens and say "the Lord gives and the Lord has taken, blessed be the name of the Lord" just as Job did so long ago? 

Questions without answers save for one place...the word of the Lord and the comfort of His Son's love. I can't explain why this has me so stricken but I just can't shake it. I thank the Lord that He brought me and Michael together that I could be there to support him in this time, that I could witness a family like the Szajner's and all the cousins and be so blessed. To see a closeness and love of the Lord that is not often seen expecially in the midst of such trials. 

Oh Lord give me the strength to serve You, to praise You even if you take away. Especially when You take away. I love You Lord, please help me to live it. 

Grief.

It has been a hard couple of days. I have opened up this window a number of times and not been able to post anything because I can't start the words coming. 

A friend died. He was a friend to me but a cousin and friend to Michael, they were close. I'm having a hard time with the whole life and death and how it comes and goes in an instant with no warning. It's been a rough week...that coupled with stuff I've seen and heard in the ER just has had me torn up this week. I will write more later. 

Love :)

My ode to Michael! Don't read if you get sick easily, its pretty cheesy.

How could I love someone as much as I love you? Oh I don't know. It just is nonsensical to imagine.

How could I feel so loved as I do when you have your arms around me? It isn't possible. Has anyone been more loved? 

The only relationship that could ever be above the one we have is that of the Lord, yet His love is not evident in such a tangible way. Is that why He gave you to me? To show me tangibly the love He possesses? To give me a slight breeze of the reality of His rushing wind? That seems possible, my love. I believe it to be so. 

0145

Getting off work at this time in the morning is strange. When I am done I don't feel the least bit tired and always get a lot done on the computer, mainly photo editing and writing stuff. I wish I was tired but when I go to bed I stare at the dark ceiling for an hour or two before I can get to sleep. ???

So instead I am exhausted for work at my other job which I have to be at by 0900.  So now what?