Two things.

First thing that I have is something that stuck out to me whilst doing my bible study on Monday. It was in the beginning of the book of Mark verse 41 Moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, and said to him, “I am willing; be cleansed.”

How long do you think it was since that man who had leporsy had been touched? It is highly likely that the first touch he had in years was the savior touching him and telling him he would be healed. And again, Jesus touched him. People didn't just touch lepers. I am just constantly amazed by the Lord.

Secondly, 1 Peter 3:15 hit me today. Actually the first time it didn't hit me. I was reading and while I was reading I was thinking about this one morning devo from bible college given by Brian Bostic and all I was picturing was him looking at the crowd over the top of his glasses. He would always do that, not look through his glasses but peek over the top of them. It was such a funny memory that I wasn't paying attention to what I was reading. Ever do that? I made it to the end of the chapter without recollecting a word and realized that I was not studying well. So I stopped, prayed, and then reread.

This is what I found: 15 "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,"

Wow! I hope people want to ask me the reason for the hope I have. How awesome would that be?! So anyways this is my goal :)

And I would write more but the ambulance is pulling and I have to go...work is calling and the ER does not wait!

Going into class.

So I have about 20 minutes before class starts, its very strange to be back at college. I missed it because I love learning and honestly, as much as I may whine about it, I love school. I love knowing that I am learning things and even more, I love knowing things. I tried to explain this to Michael and he said he just didn't understand and that knowing things wasn't as important to him. Its not that I want to be a know it all I just like to know that I know things. Do you know what I mean? Its more for my own personal gain.

On to other news. I need to spend more time with the Lord time with the Lord.
I look at my bible and, this is awful to say, I think I will get to it later. And then I never do. And I will go hours, days, a week even without picking it up. Who knows why? Ugh...I know why.
Like I must remind myself in my relationship with my husband, love is a choice. I need to choose daily to love the Lord. It shouldn't be hard...but it is. I think it would be easier if I felt His love tangibly like I used too, because I used to didn't I? I think I did. I think the more I push him away the more my heart gets cold and the less desire it has to be warm again. Its like my heart is so unhealthy it doesn't mind being unhealthy anymore.

But it does mind, from now on, it does. I am going to commit to spending time daily. I will. I will. I must.
Thank you.

My life in pictures part one.

Facing the mirror everyday.

Coffee shops.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, a wonderful one. The ambiance they created here is superb. Deep leather easy chair surrounding a fireplace, dim lamps with rich red shades. Old painting and a large traditional coffee grinder complement the decor and make it feel relaxed, like an old study.

I love sitting in coffee shops and feeling bookish. I have so many thoughts in my head I want to write down, want to perpetuate somehow yet I am always hesitant to share them on here. Someday maybe I will get over it and share a little more openly the thoughts, songs, poems, pictures, and things that are in my head.

Thanks :)

Currently listening to some Missy Higgins music and drinking a wonderful french roast. Adieu.

Its been awhile.

So I decided it is time for another blog. I have been on a blogging sabbatical purposefully. Things in my head have been hard to sort out and so instead of bringing you all into my mess, I kept it in and let some things work through on their own. I have come to see that the world not only has no interest in hearing me spew my selfishness all over it, but that it doesn't help me work through anything to spew. It just makes more holes I have to go back and fill when I finally do work things out.

Basically, I am an emotional mess (and NO I'm not pregnant). I have just been feeling things a lot lately. I have looked around me and realized I am not so wise as I once thought I was. There are so many things I thought I knew that I now realize I was completely ignorant about. I went through some old ichat conversations last night (did you know ichat catalogues EVERY conversation?!) and I was talking about marriage with someone and I just laughed as I read about my ignorance. There I was saying what I thought about something and now I look back and think "Ha! If I knew then what I know now!" Well lets just say that my choice of words during that particular ichat session would have been different.

I am not saying anything bad about my husband mind you, and not saying I made a mistake either. I am just saying that I have had some doses of reality lately. Like the fact the I am no longer independent. I realized that when I wanted to cut and highlight my hair. Interesting story actually. I will tell.

So Michael's cousin is a wonderful hair cutter/stylist/highlighter putter inner or whatever you call it...and she agreed (because she rocks) to cut my hair for me. I so dreadfully wanted to cut it shorter, but then I remembered: Michael likes long hair. "Ugh" I thought. I just wanted to do something random and change things up a bit, put some highlights like in the "old days" of bible college and go for a different look. I felt drab and boring. Still, I just told her to trim the edges up a bit and went home without the drastic change I wanted. I cannot tell you what kind of reality check that was for me. Its like when I was little and I had to ask my dad permission to do everything, now I ask Michael and someday when I'm old and decrepit I will have to ask my kids for permission to do things!

I'm not saying I resent this having to ask but I was not expecting it. I don't know what I was expecting per say, but I think it was more of a parallel lifestyle. One in which I do what I want and Michael is still my love and we are married, he does what he wants and I am still his love and his wife. To put this in mathematical terms, I realized we have to live a linear life. Two variables that end up forming a straight line, not two separate lines that never intersect.

And so this has been an interesting reality check for me.

We drove by a boxing studio that opened in Hastings (a mere ten minute drive from our house!) and I was so excited! Michael squashed me by saying "I would never let you box" and I sat there fuming thinking "Well you won't let me box huh? OK then I won't let you ski. How about that? How about I don't allow you to do some things you want to do?!"

But then I realized how lame I was being...so I never said those things out loud. Which is sometimes worse because things escalate in my head.

So where is the balance all you married people who are so much wiser than I? Can I yet be independent and still a good wife? Should I surrender my individuality to conform to what my husband prefers? Should he surrender his? Where is this boundary?

Advise me.

Now on to the next topic.

A. I miss my nose ring, Caleb is the one who made me take it out. I want it back. Michael doesn't like them either though. And I don't think work would appreciate it...
B. I miss being more of a hippy. The days where I used olive oil in my hair and didn't shower every day, had gauged ears and spent my days chilling in California with a bunch of bible college kids
C. I really want to go back to Israel.
D. I want more interestingness.
E. I want to be content.

Memories.

Instead of many words in a blog I decided to make a movie of what is important to me, my friends and my family.

Abolution.

Realizing my need for the Lord.


Your holiness brings the friendship I need
Loneliness flees as I feel Your glory
Like morning break around me
As I decrease I find You're released
The rush of Your love,
Like the rush of Your blood
Lord, it sustains me, it sustains me

Want to tell You, tell You I love You
Just to know You, my sweetest friend

"Awake from your slumber, my dear friend"
You say
Arise and follow, for I am the way
In Me there is absolution"
I've been undone by Your holy touch
Comsumed by the fire of Your holy love
Lord, it sustains me