It's a triviality...

But really I am confused.
It's seems like life is so short, and so long at the same time. My Opa (Grandpa) and my Grandma are both going downhill and it just sucks. Yet it feels like I am permanantly stuck in this stage of my life. Its hard to think that pretty soon I will be where they are, isn't it interesting that life has that cycle and has for so many generations. Since the beginning of time actually...people are born, live, grow old and die.
Its sobering really to know that. We only have one chance to live each day, so how are you doing at that? Soon you will be old and at the end, and won't you want to be able to look back with joy at how you lived? I know I will.
I want the Lord to greet me and say "Well done my good and faithful servant, you did well with what I gave you". I need to start doing well now and not waiting for some monumental thing to happen in my life to spur me on to being extraordinary. I need to be that way for the Lord everyday.
Anyways...I have to go give an oral presentation on Graves Disease for Lab so hasta!

Taking a break.

I just finished the first out of two chapters of homework that are due tomorrow, so I figured I would blog a little. First of all, I realized that my blogs have been awful lately! I used to write so much and with fervor, now I am to busy to put any thought into it. 

So, this is going to be a good one. Its about time!

Some of the revelations I have been having lately...

1.) Some friends and I were out at Bee's the other night and we were talking about air soft. Then we started talking about a friend we don't like to play with anymore because he cheats, than it went on to badmouthing him. I knew from the first foul comment on him that I should say something about it and get everyone to stop talking bad about him, but I said nothing. In fact I contributed to the conversation. 

Needless to say, I felt pretty crappy about that. I went home and as I was doing my night time devotions I read this in 1 John 3:11 "For this reason He came into the world, that you might love one another". I was like "dang". 

I slandered the reason my Lord came into the world by not loving my brother, not just anybody but a brother in the Lord! I should love everyone, but especially my co-laborers. 

Well I repented, and then I sent out texts to everyone I had been hanging out with apologizing for my cowardice in not speaking up and sharing that verse with them.  I know that more than a few of them were as convicted as I was. Thank the Lord for pointing out sin in my life, and giving me the heart to want to change it. On my own it wouldn't matter, but because He instilled it in me I can change. 

2.) I realize how bitterness is like a disease that spreads if you let it fester. It only grows and amplifies and then will come spewing out on whomever happens to be around. It is so disgusting. I have seen it in myself, but mainly right now I can see it in others. I'm not pointing fingers mind you or saying that they need to get over it because I have been there and know how powerful bitterness can be. Its hard to let go of what you want to hold on to so bad. I mean if the bitterness leaves than you will have to love the person you once hated. 

I remember when I was little I hated Daniel. I love him now, he is an awesome brother, but when we were young we butted heads. I was so bitter towards him because I thought my parents loved him more, he had more stuff, he was a boy and could do what he wanted, him and my sister were better friends than me and my sister, and so on. He would also get me in trouble by doing something bad and then blaming it on me, and because I was a pretty naughty child to begin with my mom would just assume it was me. He would stand behind her and make faces at me as I would get lectured. So he did call for it, but no one deserves hatred. It drove me batty! 

I would dwell on it until one day I think I either pushed him or hit him or something violent like that, and the poor kid got really hurt. He sat down and cried. He didn't run and tell mom, he didn't fake it, he was hurt. And I caused it. At that moment my bitterness melted away because all of the retribution I sought was not worth seeing someone else in pain, and me at the cause of it. Haha...it brings tears to me eyes just to remember it. 

If I had let it roll, no matter how big or small, that never would have happened. Granted, he is better with no scars or damages from it. But I let my anger drive me to hurt someone, and to hate someone. Both things that the Lord looks down on. I can't imagine, or at least I try not to because it just hurts, the thought of the Lord looking down on me and just being ashamed at my actions. To look at me and say "Melody, my Son died for you so that you could do THAT?". I guess it makes me think a lot about what I should do...love.

Jesus had it rough, people hated him. When everything was taken from him, when his dignity was gone, his pain immense, and the people he loved betrayed him, he still loved them.

David prayed for his enemies. He has a number of psalms that speak of tearing down the wicked and killing them and stuff, but that is when he was being a hot head. There are other psalms where he is praying for his enemies, where he asks God why? Where he wonders without hating. The Lord constantly seems to look down on hate, even if it is an enemy. In the book of Isaiah it says that the Lord doesn't take joy in the death of the wicked. Wow! So you mean even though there is one less evil person on the world...God doesn't take joy in that? NO because it is one that He loves going into eternal suffering because of their own foolish decision. 

So why not let it go? Chances are, if your bitter towards someone, they probably need the Lord or you do. There should definitely be a revaluation of your priorities: is it loving someone into the kingdom or holding on to hatred?

3.) I need to learn how to have a better quiet time. I have been getting up in the morning and reading my bible out on the patio while listening to the birds and feeling the sun shine but I get so distracted! I think about the assignments I have due, about the things on my list to get done, about everything possible. Ad then I realize I read a whole chapter without even knowing it. 

I keep reminding myself not to lose focus. The ultimate goal of my life is to be a follower of Jesus, not successful, not a nurse, and not to have my degree. I am a servant, and that is my ultimate calling. I lose focus a lot, and then life gets to me because I feel like I am not doing enough. So I would encourage you, dear reader, to slow down and remember what the purpose of your life is. 

4.) I get so anxious. I need to stop. I need to remember that focus, and let it go. 

So basically thats it! Thats what's going on, and its all good. God is good and when I stop and think how God it takes my breath away! I was outside last night with a blanket laying out looking at the stars and realizing how small I am, and how big of a God I serve. How awesome if He! Take a minute and look at the sky, He made that with his breath. I like to let it engulf me and feel how small I am, a speck in the universe He made and yet He knows, cares for, and loves me. ME! How awesome is that?

Praise the Lord!

Oh and...

I originally had something written here that may cause offense...so i erased it but just know that i hate false doctrine and will fight it all the way! 

I love trucks.

So I have spent the last three days directing traffic and hanging out at the Little Log House Antique Power Show. Basically, that is three days of seeing big trucks, tractors, and the cute boys that drive them! Not bad, if I do say so. 

Ok, I am a hick. I'll let that out of the bag right now. I used to ride my horses in the fair, I showed chickens and pigs I mean how much more hick do you get. But I love it! I love the big truck, country music, big belt buckles and all. I love it because not only do I fit in easily without any effort, but its so much more fun than being hoity toity and going out all the time. Being in the city isn't too bad for a little while, but people are stuck up. I get so sick of that!

You put on a big belt buckle and some boots and you have about 50 close friends all of a sudden that will give you a coke (or a beer, but I said no) and let you see in their truck, its great. There is so much more acceptance and just plain fun. 

Plus, dude. I need one of those trucks. 

The guy who owned this one was really cute, and a flirt, but hey. Thats the perk of being a country girl every once in a while!

I want a lifted old 70's chevy, jet black, with a chrome tool box, tail pipe, bumpers, and roll bar!

Life.

Why are you so downcast O my soul? Why so disquieted within me?

Put your hope in God, for he will yet bring you solace. 

I have to believe that cause if I didn't I wouldn't be here tomorrow. 

What does it meant to be in the US Military?

As most who are reading this know, I love the military. I have tried to get in so many times, but they do not feel the same way about me as I do for them. Going to see my little brother graduate from infantry AIT at Ft.Benning resurfaced all the old feelings of longing I have for being a part of the military. 

But, I put it in the Lord's hands.

And then before I went to bed I read from Phillipians a bit. I read the verses that say 'Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of other' 2:3-4

WOW! Did that ever speak to me. I was planning on reading a chapter or so, but I read that and was like 'Whoa...' and then I laid down and thought and prayed about that as I went to sleep.

What are my motives? Do I want to be in the military because I want to feel high speed? Because I want education benefits? Because I want people to look at me the way they do at my brother when he walks through the airport in that uniform? 

Well...yes. 

But now I realize that is all worthless. Yeah, I do want education benefits but that is the lamest excuse ever. The military is cool, they do some cool stuff and its just awesome to me. But none of that is enough.

I guess now I realize that it is good I never got in, because my motives were wrong. I still want too, but I am asking the Lord to help change my heart. As I was going to bed I tried to picture ever woman I know who doesn't want to be in the military wearing a burka and basically being treated like a dog. I pictured the young men I know who don't feel as though they 'want' (pathetic...) to serve their country being shot by people invading. I pictured my family getting taken and tortured, my city burning, my friends being killed. I thought about all of this horrible stuff and decided that I want to go in the military because I never want to see any of that stuff happen. 

I guess I realized that there is a lot to fight for, and even if I never get to fight for it with my nation, I will still fight. I realize that the reason to be a part of it is so that the people I love can still live the way they live. So that the young and able boys I know can have the right to not want to be a part of the military because a girl stepped up! Not that I would do anything other than nursing and admin stuff, probably never touch a gun outside of basic, but all the same. I would not be the end of the spear, but one of the little pieces of wood that makes up the strong shaft that allows the head to be strong. 

Yeah! So, I will not despair. It is in the Lord's hands. At least now I know what to fight for. 

An essay.

I wrote this essay awhile back for a scholarship, it was only after completing it that I realized I was just a few months to old to submit it. Sad day. Oh well, I liked writing it. So enjoy!

“Joy runs deeper than despair”

           

Corrie Ten Boom, a Dutch woman ‘accused’ of helping Jews during the holocaust spoke this phrase after months in the notorious Ravensbruck concentration camp. How could that statement come from a woman who saw her sister and father killed by the Nazi’s? This can’t be a common theme, hope. Yet I see these fragments of light scattered throughout the bleak history known as the Holocaust.

Hope is not a word that would often be equated genocide; yet without it the prisoners would have perished in greater numbers. There is a single quote scribbled on the wall at Auschwitz shows us this truth: “I believe in the sun, even when it’s not shining. I believe in love even when I don’t feel it. I believe in God even when He is silent”. This simple phrase whether read by a religious person or not, is moving. It shows the vision of a person imprisoned and that even when faced with the savage brutality of men filled with hate, there can be resistance to evil.

Walking through the halls of Yad Vashem I feel this resistance in the air, I see it emanating from the Jews that touch the walls with tears streaming down their faces. The haunting pictures that line the hallways of the memorial stop my heart. Yet, as I walk something catches my eye. A tattered yellow star is sewn onto the back of a young man’s coat, his dirty hat covers a face that holds a smile. Could it be? I stand with tears in my eyes in awe, he stands in the midst of suffering defying it with a smile.

I who has not endured near the suffering of the 11 million victims  of the Holocaust can easily speak of hope. Yet to see it staring at me causes me to falter. His eyes don’t show fear or pain though he is thin and his clothing torn. How?

Yad Vashem shows many faces. Most are sad, pale and thin. Yet like diamonds in the rough I see smiles. I see that joy runs deeper than despair. As I leave the building and feel the sun on my face again I remember the quote from Auschwitz and realize how fortunate I am to see the sun shining.

Later in the day I notice a small crowd walking in a graveyard. The tombstones stand as defiant memorials refusing to succumb to the brutality of time. They stand strong in memorial of their person, holding the names for the benefit of future generations. The crowd advances to a particular grave, they each pass by putting a small rock on the flat tomb. Some are weeping, some kiss the rocks before setting them down. I wait from a distance realizing that the ceremony I am observing is one of the deepest gratitude.

As the people file away I advance toward the grave, hundreds of small rocks are piled on and around this particular grave while its neighbors stand empty. The name reads simply: Oskar Schindler. I now understand the emotion. The sacrifice made by this German Industrialist is surely one that deserves recognition. These rocks serve as a sign of gratitude. Maybe the small crowd ahead of me would not have been alive but for this man.

While some try to forget this bleak period in Jewish history, others know that they must remember. Yad Vashem showed me I must remember history, and that those who deny and try to forget are the ones who will someday repeat the atrocities committed.

With this weighing heavily on my mind I return from Israel and notice it is very easy to see the history of the Holocaust even in America. Escaped prisoners found solace in these lands, some reuniting with family, others starting anew. The history runs deep even here.

I pass a man at a market place. He is working and his sleeve slides up, the numbers forced into his skin are clearly seen. He seems embarrassed by them and pulls down his sleeve, quickly glancing around in the hopes that no one took notice. I hold back the tears as I walk away, he should wear those numbers as a badge of honor. Those numbers identify him as one of the most courageous and enduring people alive on this earth and although it was a shame what was done to him the shame is not his to bear.

I think back to the small amounts of persecution I have undergone in recent years, it is nothing in comparison. I proudly wear my Star of David, and while I am sad for the continued hatred, I am always proud when I get a remark towards being a Jew. I have had people refuse to speak with me in the past, for no reason other than them noticing my Star of David necklace. How people can be so petty and hateful after seeing what it has produced in the past, I don’t know. Still I am glad that I am on the side of it that holds no blame, one that is hated simply for being in existence. Because I know there is no fault of my own for being reviled, I can hold onto that hope I spoke of. The hope that allowed Corrie Ten Boom to speak of joy in the midst of sadness, that allowed captives to smile regardless, and that hope that kept the people of Israel alive. Hope in the midst of adversity. Hitler’s future showed no hope not only for the Jews, but for any person who was different. He had a thought of robotic ‘perfection’ that squandered every difference that makes the human race fascinating.

His ambitions did not work well for him. Before his brutality Israel was scattered all over the world. The last thing he intended was to unite the Jews, and yet that is what he did when Israel became a nation again after the war.

In speaking of the Holocaust, we need to show reverence. It is a time in the history of the world that cannot be looked on lightly. So many years later we still feel the acute sting of its brutality. The pictures that have surfaced from Ravensbruck and Auschwitz show gruesome details that we would like to ignore yet cannot. We need to look at the pictures and see the depravity of men bent on destruction. We also need to realize that no matter what adversity comes our way, there is always hope.

Unfortunately there is mass genocide in Darfur still today. There are people in the Sudan who are killed for simply walking in the wrong place, people in North Korea who are murdered for wanting freedom. We have learned what it takes to rise above the tragedy of the Holocaust and persevere; but knowledge is nothing if not followed up by action. It is time to use history as a guide and change the future.

In closing, I would encourage people to remember: joy runs deeper than despair.

            

Next Year...

Although 22 is not that big of a deal, I am actually going to do something organized and fun on my 22 birthday. Just so you know. 

Thanks to Brette, My parents, Nate, and my sister for giving me birthday presents! Yes...I only received four gifts, but hey they were good ones. I am still learning how to deal with the fact that this day, as important as it is to me doesn't matter to anyone else as is proved this last week.

My dad had a really good sermon today, you should listen to it on podcast. It was on psalm 63. 

Also, I want to get a motorcycle. 

And Josie is sick, so pray for her.

Also, people if you could pray for me, I have another accelerated class (actually its a phi theta kappa class too so its hard) and I have a lot on my plate academically already. So I guess if you would just pray that I stay focused, and pass all four of my summer classes that would be good. And maybe not just pass, but do really well too. 

Thats all for now folks, I should go to bed!

Birthdays.

I have realized today how really worthless birthdays are. I used to think it was the best day of the year and I would count down months away in anticipation...waiting for that day when I got my special dinner and beautifully wrapped gifts. Now its going to class in the morning, opening cards, and reading facebook comments. 

I wish that birthdays would not lose their magic, I mean remember when you turned 10? I do. It was such a big deal to me, I planned it so far in advance and I knew exactly what I wanted. I guess I am just realizing that getting older is not all its cracked up to be because then we see that in reality, nobody else truly cares much about your birthday anymore. I mean, its true for me too.

So I am going to a pub (an awesome little Irish one in St.Paul) sometime soon with my sister and brother in law. So that should be fun.

Other than that, I need to continue enjoying my birthday. Basically, I need to study for class tonight and finish my homework from my class this morning. 

Cheers!

Pipe smoking.

Heavy smoker!

Not really. Brette and I bought pipes and light tobacco. We dressed up in old clothes and went and smoked them down by the levee, and it was pretty fun. Although, I'm not sure how people do that everyday because I think I have had my pipe fill for oh like a month or more.

My life.

So it is starting to take a toll. I am pretty spread thin with all my classes and stuff. I think I am starting to get sick. I have only had maybe 2 cold sores in my life, and I think I am getting one now. And my throat feels pretty scratchy. 

So yeah!

Thats what's up.

And now I have tests to study for, psychology to do and Anatomy and Physiology that is awaiting me.

So I am going to bed now because I have class in the morning.